#Lovewins

This past week there was an absolutely legendary decision handed down by the Supreme Court of the United States, which stated that the right to marry is fundamental and guaranteed by the 14th amendment of the Constitution to all Americans, regardless of sexual orientation (Obergefell v. Hodges). As anyone not currently living under a rock, this is huge news! I'm so proud to be an America this week. I totally agree with the popular hashtag: #lovewins.

That said, I recognize that there are a lot of people who are disappointed or outraged even by the SCOTUS decision and are looking to make social change based on their Christian beliefs The photo above is from a rally on the Mall to gain support for a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Their point is that every child deserves a mother and a father and therefore, gay marriage should be made illegal.

The thing is...I believe that every child deserves a HOME and whether that parent is gay or straight is irrelevant, as long as he/she takes great care of the child/ren. When conservative states have laws restricting the rights of the LGBT community, it is not only members of that community that suffer but also many children in need of loving homes suffer as well. That is because there are any LGBT people who have made the choice to foster or foster adoption children in need and if states don't allow them to take this action, then these children will continue to needlessly suffer in foster care, even though great homes are available to take them in. When I was going through the homestudy process, I met a few gay couples interested in adopting and they were pretty cool. I hope they were successful in their adoption quest.

The thing is, people who say YOU can't foster or adopt because you're gay are apparently acting in this way because they want to protect children. But they should really be saying, you know what? I care so much about children that I am going to foster or adopt myself...but often times, they do not. They only pass judgment on others while the kids in need continue to suffer. There are 100,000 children in foster care waiting for a forever home and hundreds of thousands of children in need of temporary foster care. A religous group passing judgment means needy children go without care. Meanwhile in more liberal parts of the country there are many members of the LGBT community truly doing God's work and caring for children who deserve a forever home. God bless them.

That said, I would like to provide my heart-felt congratulations to the LGBT community on a truly monumental ruling and I hope that this is only the beginning of the conversation on how we can make #lovewin across cultures, across generations, across all demographics we have here.

Happy Mother's Day!

Last weekend we celebrated Mother's Day here in the US and for us it was a beautiful day, if not just a little over-scheduled. Starting at 8am, I volunteered for a Mother's Day 5K and Christopher got to run in the Kids Fun Run. After that, we moved onto an hour and a half of soccer and then we went to a barbecue. On top of all that, it was a very hot day for New England--over 80 degrees. For those of you in hotter regions, that may not seem very warm but considering the below zero temps we had all winter, to us, 80 degrees feels like we've moved to the desert. We drank a lot of water and were dressed appropriately, which helped.

Christopher did okay behavior wise 75% of the time but when he did not do well, he was very very naughty. He was great at the 5K but wore himself out so by the time we got to soccer, he was melting down big time. The other parents don't understand our journey so they must really wonder what the heck is going on when Christopher just starts screaming I HATE YOU!!! at the top of his lungs and then tries to hit me repeatedly. I dragged him out of the game and sat him on the sidelines to try and get him to calm down, but with only limited success. I kept hoping he'd be able to pull it together but he was just too worn out. In retrospect, I should have just given him my phone and let him relax but I would test out putting him back into the game, which didn't work so well. He full on tackled some kid on the opposing team, which of course the parents didn't appreciate. Sometimes it's hard being the coach because I should have just taken him home after the 5K. But it is what it is and lesson learned.

After soccer, I did take him home for some quiet time so by the time we got to my friend's barbecue, Christopher was a LOT calmer. She even commented on how well he was doing. It was a small, quiet gathering with very healthy low carb foods so that helped. 

It was a long day with a few ups and downs but overall, we survived just fine. Even with all the challenges and the screaming and frustration though, I wouldn't give up my life for anything because I LOVE being a mom. I love Christopher for than anything on this Earth and am so glad I finally got this opportunity to become a mom. I'm sad for him that he had to endure so much pain and trauma before coming into my life but I'm so happy that I was able to take him away from all that and give him a happy, safe, healthy home. I just wish that all children could have a happy, loving home and that foster care could always be a stepping stone to a better life.

That said, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there and I hope you are feeling as truly blessed these days as I do.

No Poop For You!

My son does not handle change very well. No matter how minor the change seems to us, anything that deviates from the normal routine sends my son into a tailspin.

With spring here, the days are longer and my son has an extra abundance of energy because of it. Additionally, his first grade teacher left about a month ago to go on maternity leave, after giving birth to a set of twin girls. At first Christopher's class had different substitute teachers but now thankfully they have settled on one teacher for the rest of the year.

That's a lot of change and Christopher has responded by refusing to go to the bathroom. At first, this resulted in poop accidents in his pants. That happened several times out of the blue. Now, however, he has gotten better at holding it in so now he becomes horribly constipated as a result.

When he does go, the stools are huge and rock hard. Imagine a golf ball passing through a 7-year-old's colon and rectum and you can imagine the screaming, crying and bleeding that has been going on in our house of late.

Last week, I took the kiddo to see his pediatrician and the doctor prescribed a tablespoon of Miralax once a day, in order to soften the stool and make it easier to pass. Several days later and with no noticeable change, I upped the dosage to two tablespoons (with the blessings of his doctor of course). Yesterday, even after two tablespoons, Christopher still hadn't gone in two days and was screaming, crying and in pain. At this point I gave him a kiddie laxative, feeling somewhat desperate.

This worked and he pooped twice. In his pants of course because he's still too afraid to sit on the toilet. And it was still rock hard although definitely smaller in size and no blood this time. Yay for small miracles I guess.

I think I'm going to have to resort to daily laxatives and then 30 minutes later make him sit on the toilet to get the poop out of him. I feel a little like I'm potty training again but like I said, change does not happen well in our house and this is clearly regressive behavior based on change.

Let's hope that this issue clears up sooner rather than later because I'm already doing my second load of laundry today because of it.

The Boston Marathon

I wish I could say "Happy" One Boston Day but considering the reason that today is #OneBostonDay is because of the Boston Marathon bombing two years ago on this date, it doesn't seem fitting to say "happy".I can't believe the bombing was two years ago. It seems like it just happened yesterday. I remember it perfectly. It was a beautiful, sunny day and I was out on the course with my friend Jan and her two kids, my son, our dog and my friend Sue. We were hanging out around the mile 21 marker cheering on the runners. When I saw my friend Dee run by, we left to go find a late lunch. A police car zoomed past us, sirens blasting but I didn't pay it any heed. I assumed some poor soul had fallen and needed medical attention. If only. My heart still goes out to all the victims affected by the events of that day, as well as their families.

Two years later and all our bad memories from the day have been resurrected with the Dzhokhar Tsarnaev trial and related media attention. I'm glad he was convicted but I cannot believe that there are actually conspiracy theorists out there that think this is all a great big hoax. Talk about crazy people.

The thing is, life does go on and our spirits are resilient. We can't let the terrorists win! As both a former runner of and volunteer for the Boston Marathon myself, I will continue to support this special race any way that I can.

This past winter, Christopher and I supported the race by volunteering our time to the Melrose Running Club Sunday Long Run program. Every Sunday we were out there handing out water to the runners as they trained for Boston. This past winter was brutal and we had to stand out there in sub-zero temperatures, surrounded by six feet of snow...but we did it!

Here is a photo of the runners on the day that they ran the 22-miler from Hopkinton to Boston College. They are a totally awesome crew!

We had fun helping out but man....it was cold! In case you forgot, this is the winter we had this year:

We tried to have fun with it.....

....but man, it was cold!

Thankfully my kiddo had fun with it too. Here he is making snow angels.

So here we are, just a few days away from the 2015 Boston Marathon and I'm choosing (as you can see) to have positive thoughts about the day and what it means to me. There is a special quote that has inspired me regarding this experience and I would like to end my post with that quote:

I would like to believe that I am one of those people who helps. I am #BostonStrong.

Turning Off Violent and Rude Television Programming

Now that my little minion is seven years old, he has outgrown a lot of the cute, educational toddler programming that he used to love and that I used to enjoy watching with him. Shows like "Peppa Pig" and "Curious George" have been replaced by "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", "Sponge Bob" and "Fairly Odd Parents".

There is absolutely nothing of value beyond pure mindless entertainment in the shows that the kiddo wants to watch now. Not only that, some of the programs are disturbing to me. For example, the characters on "Sam and Kat" are just plain rude. I don't want my child emulating that type of behavior with others in real life.

But even more disturbing to me is the inherent violence in programming targeted to young boys. One day I sat next to Christopher while he watched some cartoon called "Teen Titans Go" starring Robin (from Batman and Robin). In this show, Robin woke up, got out of bed, picked up a big stick and then walked around the house whacking people and animals over the head with it and then laughing about it. That was the entire plot of the first five minutes of the show. Hitting and laughing, hitting and laughing, hitting and laughing.

I looked over at Christopher and every time Robin laughed, Christopher laughed. He was enthralled and I was appalled. He thought it was funny to attack people because Robin thought it was funny to attack people. I cannot believe that this show was even allowed to be on the air. For the record, this show lasted for five minutes with us before I stood up and turned of the TV. After that, I had to listen to Christopher scream and cry in protest but I was not going to give in on this because this show was awful. Then Christopher threatened to hit me if he didn't get his way and at that point, I REALLY knew I was doing the right thing. If his response to not getting to see a violent program is to get violent with his mother, then yeah, we need to redirect.

I want to be especially careful with Christopher because he does come from an early childhood of violence and was diagnosed with PTSD at the age of three. I have done a lot of work to undo the tendencies he learned from living in a home filled with domestic violence and I wasn't about to negate all that because society allows total crap to be on TV.

I've done a little research and learned that even if a child has healthy behavioral beginnings, violent programming at a young age could affect them quite negatively. Some of the symptoms I've learned could result are:

• Increased propensity to violence
• Callousness towards victims
• Exaggerated fear of being victimized by violence
• Depression
• Isolation

Considering we have had a dramatic increase in the number of violent attacks in public places like schools and shopping malls, I would say that the concerns I have are pretty valid. I've gotta say it all kind of freaks me out now because even if I protect my own child from violent programming, so many people think it's "no big deal" and with violent TV programming so easily accessible, it will only become a bigger issue. This means even if my child isn't violent, he could be in the company of others who are, such as at school or maybe at the YMCA. This is all very scary to me.

I know I cannot control others and can only control my own child. So with that I do what I can just to focus on Christopher's behaviors. For the record, after we turned of Teen Titans Go, I found a documentary on Nat Geo Wild about Nomura Jellyfish that Christopher really liked. Apparently because of global warming, this species of jellyfish is growing to gigantic proportions and Christopher thought they were really cool looking. We talked about global warming after that and although he didn't really completely understand it all, at least the conversation was intelligent. I've also discovered that he enjoys watching "Word Girl" on PBS, which I like for him too. So there are options out there. I simply have to try harder to find them for him. I just hope and wish that other parents are making the same efforts with their kids.

ADDENDUM:
After I finished writing this post, I read on Twitter that a police officer who was a member of the Boston Youth Violence Task Force was shot in the head in a Roxbury shootout last night. The suspect is dead and the officer is in an induced coma, fighting for his life. As if I needed any additional proof that violence has negatively permeated our society, this is it. My thoughts and prayers are going out to Officer John T. Moynihan right now.

Justin Harris Wouldn't Know Christian Values if They Hit Him in The Face

I will be the first to admit that I cannot quote scripture with any degree of reliability. But I will also say that because of a lot of time spent in church both growing up and as an adult, I have a pretty solid understanding of the Bible and the tenets that it promotes. As I understand it, as a Christian you are supposed to be kind, helpful, loving, supportive and to help take care of those who are unable to take care of themselves. Does that sound about right?

These Christian morals forged the foundation of my belief system and were one of the reasons I have always wanted to adopt from foster care. I wanted to give a home to a child who needed love and stability more than anyone. With my little guy here, I feel complete.

That's also why I find people like (R) State Rep. Justin Harris of Arkansas completely morally reprehensible. He and his wife Marsha claim to be Christians. They adopted two little girls from foster care but after six months found it all too hard to deal with, so gave the wee ones to a guy he had actually fired from his business because the guy was unreliable. Hey, I can't give you a severance because you're a terrible employee but here...take these innocent little girls instead. Seems logical, right? The girls were four and six years old and the guy ended up raping one of them. He plead guilty and sits in jail now, where I hope he rots for a very long time. If interested, you can read more about this sad tale here.



But wait, it gets better. Justin Harris held a press conference proclaiming that HE was the victim, not the little girl who got raped because of of his callous disregard for her safety. He said that he and his wife were forced to abandon the girls because they had severe behavioral issues and DCFS wouldn't help them. He said that the child's pediatrician told them to do this. This is all hard to believe. I call shenanigans on the Harrises "Christian values" for multiple reasons:

1. It doesn't happen a lot but adoptions do occasionally not work out and state social service agencies have protocols in place for taking back foster children whose adoptions failed, for whatever reason. He claims he was threatened by DCS but I don't buy that for a minute. FYI, good Christians don't lie to save their own hides.
2. The Harrises claim that they didn't know what they were getting into but the little girls' foster mom says they were told exactly what to expect and said that they had resources in place to help. This is what Cheryl Hart says: "i am the foster mom of the kids he discarded. We all tried to tell Marsha and Justin of the difficulties they would endure with the girls. They would not listen. They kept bragging about their degrees in early childhood development and their experience with children. Plus they insisted they had all the therapists on hand at their preschool to help with their problems. Plus they said God called them to do this and he would get them through anything. We tried to not send the girls there and Cecile Blucker pulled strings and blackmailed DHS workers. I would love to correspond with you about this tragic preventable catastrophe." That is a comment on this Change.org petition, which I have signed.
3. The Harrises continued to cash the subsidy given to them by the state even after they abandoned the girls. Um, fraud much?? I guess they forgot about that whole, "thou shalt not steal" Commandment when reading their Bible Cliff Notes.
4. Justin Harris is a state representative in Arkansas. One would think that he would use his power and stature as an elected official to unlock doors and change laws, granting more support to families like his own. However, there is absolutely no evidence that he did anything. Instead he introduced legislation that would allow daycare centers and pre-schools not be forced to have sprinkler systems (FYI, he and his wife own a "Christian" pre-school).
5. And most importantly, there is help available. Lots of it. For free. I know this because I've been there myself. Christopher came to me with some of the same history that these girls had and believe me, I get how difficult it is to raise kids with complex trauma history. I got called home from work one day because my son had threatened to kill his nanny that day. On multiple occasions, adults have had to intervene when Christopher started attacking other children with a stick. All this was very scary to me but you know what I didn't do? I didn't hand my child over to a pedophile. Instead I got him help. A lot of it. There was a point where he received therapeutic services three times a week and I also got him referred to the Boston Children's Hospital Developmental Medicine Center for even more intensive therapy. His behavioral pediatrician there specializes in foster and adoptive children with complex trauma histories and has been an incredible resource for us. The best thing of all is, these services are all free because foster children (in Massachusetts at least) get free healthcare until their 18th birthday. This is done to help incentivize an adoption because let's face it....healthcare is really expensive and these kids need a lot of it. But if you get the services, they really do work. Anyone who has ever met Christopher will tell you that he is a completely different child today, for the better. It doesn't happen overnight and requires hard work and patience. Too bad that the Harrises just couldn't be bothered.

I am so sorry for the two little girls that have had to repeatedly suffer at the hands of people who were supposed to be there and protect them. This story makes me both angry and sad. I can only hope that the media attention this story has generated helps save another child from potential harm. I posted this story to my Facebook page asking people to volunteer time and/or money to children's charities because we need more caring, loving people to ensure the safety of our nation's most at-risk children. I would also like to ask, dearest God, please watch over the foster children who need you and help to keep them safe from harm. Amen.

Parenting the High Energy Child During the Never Ending Blizzards of 2015

Stop Snowing Already!

Those are just a few shots of the three major snow storms we've already experienced here in the northeast. Now of course, it's snowing outside as I type this, yet again. By the time this storm ends, we will have approximately 70 inches of snow on the frozen, icy ground that will need to be plowed and shoveled somewhere. To put this all into perspective Boston normally gets 42 inches per season and since it's only mid-February we'll (probably) more than double that before winter comes to a slow painful end. I checked weather.com this morning and found out that there's more snow already scheduled for next Tuesday and Sunday so my prediction of doubled snowfall is fairly safe. Sigh. Anyone want to move to Florida with me?

I took this photo in front of my house after storm #1. Yes, this is how much snow I had to shovel in one two-hour session:


The arctic temperatures are not helping either. Yesterday I decided to help out my running club with water stop assistance because the Boston Marathon training team still needed to get their long run in. The run started at 7am on Saturday morning and the runners were going for 16 miles. The run started so early because the runners have to run in the street (too much snow on the sidewalks) and it's safer earlier because there are fewer cars on the road. That said, this is a picture of the temperature gauge in the car, which of course doesn't take into account wind chill. I was standing outside for two hours and it took me a good chunk of the rest of the day to warm up afterwards.


Aside from shoveling and being cold, the snow has presented quite a few other challenges for us as well. Christopher's school has already had eight snow days this season, which means I've lost a lot of work productivity so far. Through the first few storms, I worked some and played some with Christopher and I took one day off entirely. Here is a photo of my little man outside in the snow with me during storm #1:


But my work started backing up so by storm #3, I had to put in longer days on my work from home days. This past week, I've had three 12-hour work days now and the To Do list does not seem to be getting any shorter.

I feel like an awful parent on these days because Christopher is playing on his own, watching TV or playing games on the Kindle. He's not getting the stimulation that I want him to have but I am a working mom and sometimes I just have to work. I cannot take the entire month of February off so that I can be the attentive mom that I want to be.

The work is still backing up because even though school is in session, public transportation is not quite so accommodating. I won't get too deeply into the mess that is the underfunded MBTA right now but basically trains are not running and when they do, they run with massive delays. Today is the third day that the T has shut down for the entire day. I take the Orange Line to work and this past week on the days the train was running, my normal 40-minute commutes have turned into hour and a half commutes. Each way. With three hours of commute time, I get into work late, have to leave early-ish to be able to pick up Christopher, which means logging into work from home in the evening in order to catch up. Needless to say, I'm exhausted all the time. I'm just glad today is Sunday and tomorrow is Presidents Day because I won't have to battle into work until Tuesday, which by the way, is the day of the next forecasted snow storm. Ugh.

Even on the days when I try to be attentive to Christopher, I end up feeling guilty yet again because his high energy is really trying my patience. I may feel stir crazy sitting at home but Christopher is really, really, REALLY stir crazy. Yesterday he was up by 5:30 am, looking for attention. And today it's only 7:30am on a Sunday morning but I have already told him at least 10 times to stop yelling. This weather pattern is really pushing me to my limits in way too many ways.

The US Postal Service doesn't help much either. Our mail is also either delayed or not showing up at all. I requested a refill of Christopher's medication from Boston Children's Hospital last Monday and a week later, the prescription still hasn't arrived. (Because his medication is a controlled substance, I have to call it in to a prescription line voice mail, they fill it and mail the hard copy prescription and then I have to take the hard copy to the pharmacy to be filled). Christopher will take his last available tablet on Tuesday morning, which means I've got to call the Hospital tomorrow, leave a message, wait for them to call me back and then drive there to pick it up in person. The trip alone will take two hours, there and back, plus I will have to pay for parking. All this because our mail isn't getting to me.

The storm is getting expensive for me as well. With each storm, we have to pay a plow company $150 to plow our parking lot. We also just had to pay someone $400 to shovel our roof, so that it doesn't collapse under the weight of seven feet of snow. Since my condo has only 3 units, our account will be soon depleted and we'll need to add more money outside of our normal monthly condo fees in order to cover the costs. I will say, at least we are lucky that our roof isn't creating ice dams because those telltale icicles cause leaks in your home and require costly repairs.

I just checked the weather report and it said that the temperatures will drop as the day goes on and it's best to get your shoveling in as early as possible so you don't freeze. Considering it's only 18 degrees out right now, this is a bit disheartening. I've just eaten and I'm dressed so although it's only 7:47 am, I might as well get a jump on the shoveling process. It's probably a good opportunity to get Christopher out of the house for a bit so he gets that energy out before the temps drop even lower though so off we go.

However, in an effort to end this blog post on a positive note, at least New England has this to savor during our cold, blustery winter days:

Way to go Patriots! I got to sleep in after the game too because it was yet another snow day.

Why the school assignment to bring a baby picture to class can be traumatizing to foster and adopted kids

Things have been going really well with Christopher lately. December was a bit rough because of all the excitement surrounding the holidays but he has settled down nicely in January. As long as the routine stays status quo, then I could anticipate that Christopher's behavior would be manageable.

Of course, the key phrase in that sentence is "status quo" and in life, you just have to expect the unexpected sometimes. I learned that lesson the other day when I received an email from Christopher's teacher requesting the following:

"Please send in a baby picture of your child in an envelope or baggie by 1/27/15. It is for a writing activity and will be returned."

Please send in a baby picture.

Sounds like an innocuous request right? What kid doesn't have adorable baby pictures? It would seem like the hardest part of this project would be to find only one adorable photo out of the thousands you have to send in.

Not always so.

In our case, Christopher came to live with me at the age of 3-3/4. I have one baby photo of him because his birth mother gave it to his social worker before she lost parental rights. She had wanted Christopher to know where he came from and I do respect that. Someday I will show him this photo...but it will not be forced by a school assignment when Christopher is too young and still too emotionally vulnerable to be able to handle it. Not to mention, in the photo he is in the arms of his birth father--a man he hasn't seen since he was 18 months old. How would Christopher write about THAT? He doesn't even know this man. 

This assignment is forcing Christopher to address his early childhood trauma, his loss of his birth parents and it's making him explain things to his classmates that he doesn't have the tools to do. Also, the kids in his class really don't have the emotional maturity to handle the message. That's an awful lot for a first grader with PTSD due to early childhood trauma to take on by himself.

Not knowing what to do about this issue, I posted it to my Facebook page to see if any of my school teacher friends had any insights. A few did respond.

K wrote:

The personal time line will come up a couple of times in MA Curriculum Frameworks and this is exactly why teachers push back. As you struggle with this, understand other families with adopted children - some from equally as scary situations but in other parts of the world - are also struggling with this assignment. The point of the exercise right now is to understand we all come from someplace and have roots from which we grow. I have seen parents do things like, "This is a picture from when I was born, but these are pictures from my home...."

R wrote:

We normally give the option of doing a "fantasy" or fake family such as the Simpsons.

S wrote:

I think growth and maturity will lend a hand on his acceptance of being "different" but I think a good teacher would embrace this as a moment of learning and acceptance in the classroom. Good luck on this journey. You are a terrific person and a great Mom, you'll own this. Xo

I was starting to feel a little bit better abut this assignment because it seems like other teachers have handled it well. But then a fellow adoptive mom posted this same exact question to a listserv I am on for parents of kids adopted from foster care (nice to know I'm not alone). There has been a firestorm of responses because it's a difficult assignment for all our families. Here are just a few of the responses I saw there.

You are wise to be concerned about this. My daughter made the mistake (in 4th grade) of openly disclosing to kids in her class that she was adopted, including some of the sad truth of why the state put her into foster care, the whole 9 yards -- after which many of the kids who'd previously befriended her started to avoid her and/or publicly tease her. Her teacher, an adoptive parent himself, explained to me that at that age, the thing a kid worries about more than anything is not being safe and secure with their parents, and so because of that fear would avoid anyone/anything that could make them worry more about losing their parent(s). "If it could happen to them, maybe it could happen to me."

Yikes! The last thing I want is for my child to risk being bullied and harassed because he was adopted. The poor kid doesn't want to feel different...he wants to have friends and just be "normal" like everyone else.

Another response from a mental health crisis counselor scared me as well:

I was called to a school on an MCI (mobile crisis) call for a kid who was 'out of control'. She ended up being hospitalized. What triggered it? No surprises.

Apparently all the kids had to bring in baby pictures, hang them on the wall and everyone had to guess who everyone was. The girl didn't have one, so with the parent and teacher talking, it was agreed that she was able to bring in one of when she was older. She brought one from when she was adopted at 8yrs of age. The kids made fun her because she didn't have a baby picture.

The issue was, her classmates were not okay with it. They asked tons of questions and when she said she didn't have one, they made fun of her. Kids are not as sensitive to others' feelings like adults are.

Some children, DX with PTSD, these type of projects can open a box that shouldn't be opened in front of a classroom of their peers and only should be opened with a trained professional that deals with trauma.

Suddenly this "innocent" assignment doesn't appear to be so innocent after all does it? In the scenario above, the teacher clearly handled it poorly by not intervening and explaining why this child did not have any baby pictures. That said though, I think it's asking a lot of the teacher to understand early childhood trauma. Teachers are teachers...not trained mental health professionals and they are extremely busy just trying to teach 25 kids. They already have their hands full and then some.

This is all new territory for me but I figure the best thing to do in this scenario would be to enlist the assistance of the school and work as a team. So with that in mind, I've emailed both the teacher and the school psychologist to ask their help. I haven't heard back yet from either yet but we are in day 4 of snow day-cation (thank you Blizzard Juno!) so I suspect they won't be back online until Monday. The photo is due on Monday however and since I can't send a baby photo into school with Christopher, I may send a picture of him with his extended (adoptive) family, along with a note on why I'm doing this. The teacher can choose to do whatever she likes with the assignment I guess at that point but I do want to have the school psychologist at least aware in case the teacher chooses to move forward with some sort of birth story.

This is a tough assignment for any family that does not come from traditional circumstances. In Christopher's case, he's adopted from foster care but there are kids adopted from overseas with tragic histories who would have trouble with this. And what if your family was traditional but you lost all your photos in a fire? Or the hard drive where you stored your digital photos crashed and you lost everything. These can all happen and what then? The kid will still feel different and that's just not right.

Considering my town has a large DCF office, I suspect this isn't the first time Christopher's teacher has had to address this issue and based on what I've been reading on the MA foster adoption listserv, it won't be the last. We'll see what happens on Monday I guess.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I can't believe it's been over a month since I last wrote. The holidays seriously flew by! Between a crazy busy work project that my team needed to complete by December 21st and my attempt to compete with Martha Stewart in all things holiday-inspired, I needed to prioritize my to-do list and blogging didn't make the cut unfortunately. I have missed sharing our story however and am happy to be baaaack!

This year I've been working on a high profile technology project that will be going live in a few weeks. We had a big deadline to meet right before Christmas so that meant some long days. There was one weekend that I worked until 1 in the morning after working until 11pm the week nights before that. I definitely burned the midnight oil there for a bit but am happy to report that the deadline has been met and life is going to be a lot quieter now going forward. Phew.

In addition to work, Christopher also celebrated his 7th birthday in early December and I threw him a fun little party at Fuddrucker's with 6 of his friends. I decided to get all Suzy Homemaker on the event and make my own birthday cake complete with fondant frosting. The theme was to be Minecraft and I found cake decorating ideas on Pinterest for inspiration

I spent way more money buying the cake pan, fondant and food dye than I would have if I just bought the kiddo an actual cake. And I definitely spent way more time (hours) making and constructing the cake. But in the end I loved the way it turned out. It's definitely not a professional looking cake but hey, I do the best I can.

Just as we were about to leave for the event though, I found out that I was not the only one who liked this cake. Apparently the dog liked it too. When I was in the other room organizing the goody bags to give out, Christopher started screaming. I come back into the kitchen only to find out that ... the dog has eaten the cake. The cake I labored over for hours! BAD DOG!!

People asked me afterwards if the dog got sick from all the sugar and chocolate and to that I say no but I did notice the next day he was pooping green. That freaked me out a bit until I remembered that he ate the kiddo's birthday cake. 

You'd think that I'd learn never to let my dog near treats again but I'm apparently a slow learner. A week later Christopher came home from school with a gingerbread house project that he made in his class. It was super cute and Christopher was so proud of it. I put it into the dining room and pulled the chairs away from the table, thinking that would keep the dog off the table since he's just a little guy. On that front, I was wrong because later on I discovered the gingerbread house on the floor and the dog, yep, eating it. BAD DOG!! Once again though he did not get sick. Lucky me since I certainly wouldn't have wanted to clean that mess up off of my rugs.

The kiddo was heartbroken so we went to Trader Joe's and got a new gingerbread house kit and invited his friend Grace to come over and have a gingerbread house baking party with us. It was fun and the latest creation turned out well. I finally learned to close the door to the dining room so the dog couldn't get in there but the down side to that is that now we can't see it unless we go into the dining room.

I also hosted friends for our annual fondue and cookie baking party. Once again, a super fun day! I made my usual Linzer cookies which turned out sooooo yummy.

Last but not least, I ran my favorite 5K right before Christmas, the Jingle Bell Run, which is a super fun time. Everyone dresses up for the race and afterwards it's a big party with food and drink. I got to see a bunch of running friends I haven't seen in eons and enjoyed the holiday attire as well.

Christmas finally arrived and Christopher who was completely wrapped up in the magic of the holidays, was thrilled with everything Santa brought him. He really enjoyed the day and I loved hosting with a tasty Christmas dinner as well.

After Christmas I finally had some down time and immediately once the adrenaline was gone so was my ability to fight off any sort of infection and I got sick. I've spent the last week battling a really nasty cold and ended up working from home two days earlier this week so I wouldn't get anyone else sick. Everyone I know is sick so it doesn't surprise me that I got sick too. Better now than when all those activities were happening at least.

Now that the holidays are over, Christopher's a lot calmer too, which helps. The kiddo was reeeally wound up all month and that made life a bit challenging. Now he's less stimulated and more relaxed and that makes my life infinitely easier.

So now that I made it through the crazy busy work project and a whirlwind of holiday activities, it's time to slow life down a bit. Later today I go to my friend Kate's house for a post-new year's get together and it will be nice to have someone other than me hosting for a bit. Let her clean her house top to bottom for a change! Haha. No but seriously it's been a great season even if I did go a bit over the top at times. I'm not sure that I would have changed anything if I had the chance to get a do-over so that clearly says something.

On that happy note, merry Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate) and happy new year from the kiddo and myself!

Philadelphia Marathon...Done!

Two days ago I ran the Philadelphia Marathon. I am DONE and couldn't be happier about it. I had a goal of completing within 5 hours and I finished in 5:13, so I was a bit slower than I had hoped. But I can honestly say I gave this race everything I had and I still ran faster than I did the Boston Marathon four years ago so I really can't complain. I ran not one but two marathons!

My friend and I at the finish line on Sunday

This was the first time I went away without Christopher and I was really nervous about it. I made sure he stayed at our home with people that he loved. At night, his babysitter "Pammy" stayed with him. During the day two of my friends entertained him and he knows them all quite well so I knew he was in good hands. But I still worried about him because I know he has real separation anxiety due to his trauma history. Was he going to be able to handle two days away? Was I going to be able to handle two days away???

I am very relieved to say that all went well. I called home several times and Christopher seemed happy and well cared for the entire time.

That didn't mean I didn't worry about him and miss him The Entire Time though.

I thought about Christopher just about every waking moment and I missed him SO much! And of course I felt terribly guilty about the fact that I was doing something for myself for two days instead of dedicating myself 120% to caring for the physical and emotional well being of my child...all by myself as a single mother of course.

For the last three years, I have focused completely on Christopher's needs over my own and I've been happy to do it. I mean come on...this kid needed someone to seriously love on him and the attention he's received has made a dramatic difference for the better. He's really a different kid, in a very good way/ But after three years, I'm spent and I realized that I need a little break occasionally.

So that's why I trained for this marathon. I missed having something that was just about ME. I've made sure that Christopher had great care while I was of running and he really enjoys the time he has with his babysitters, so that has helped. This is probably because when I'm home, I'm cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and running errands, while the babysitters just play with him. It's like a great big play date several days a week for him. Who wouldn't love that?

That said, I've gotten this break all out of my system, for a while at least, so I'm back to focusing on the kiddo again. I want to spend more time playing with him and less time being distracted and/or exhausted. I want to focus on doing homework, to ensure he's meeting his potential academically. I also want to just sit on the sofa with him, doing nothing and enjoying our time together. Christopher's at a great age and I want to enjoy this time for as long as I can. Someday he's going to be a teenager that has no interest in being with mom so I am going to enjoy this time while I can. That is, until I need another break, of course

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

This morning I ran 11 miles with the Melrose Running Club. This was our last long run together before a group of us heads off to Pennsylvania next Friday to run the Philadelphia Marathon on the 23rd. It's a bit chilly out today but dry and we had a great run.

It's amazing that I, a single working mother with a behaviorally challenged former foster kid could train for a marathon but I've been truly blessed with the most amazing community of friends through the Melrose Running Club.

Whenever I've fallen down (which I did twice, scraped and bloody), they've been there to bandage me up. When I needed help with childcare, they stepped in to watch Christopher. They refused to let me run alone at night in the dark. They got me through some hot weather long runs where I didn't think I'd be able to finish but did because they were there running beside me. One week when I was feeling overwhelmed with life, I almost started crying on the running trails and they hugged me and said it would be okay. And after a good night's sleep, it all was.

After spending so much time with these amazing, warm, compassionate people, I know that if, God forbid, some illness or accident were to befall me, that they would be there to help me in whatever capacity I needed them. It goes without saying that I would do all the same for them as well. Quite frankly, the friends I have made through the Melrose Running Club have become my community and I feel truly blessed to have them in my life.

Just two of the amazing rock stars that I ran with today

I recognize that this lovely community I am a part of is very special and not everyone has this much support. For example, I have a dear friend from college who is a faithful reader of this blog and I feel so badly for her because she is going through a very difficult time right now. I wish I could be there to help support her but she lives so far away from me that all I could do is send money and a lots of virtual hugs. I know she's having a tough time navigating life on her own right now and I wish she had a community of support like I have because I think she could really use some help. I hate hearing how difficult life is for her right now. Hugs to you my friend.

I'm also a member of a Facebook support group for parents of children with ADHD and I see the struggles these parents have; very similar to many of the ones I've experienced as well. When life gets them down (which sadly, it often will) they come to the support group looking for a little understanding and camaraderie from a group of people who get what it's like to raise a child with ADHD. It's hard! And with so many people getting in your face to tell you that you're just a bad parent because ADHD doesn't really exist, sometimes it can feel even harder. How can you pick yourself back up when people all around you are telling you it's your fault for being down in the first place? Life can be so demoralizing.

At one time in history, we thought "it takes a village" to raise children. Nowadays everyone's so isolated and doing everything on their own, which makes the daily grind so difficult. On top of that, people can be so unbelievably judgmental! Plus, we're at a point in America that seems to be dominated by people who are all about "me, me me" and there is a serious lack of compassion, even from people who claim to be Christian. I have to say, you can claim to be whatever you want but unless you choose to be kind and supportive towards people who are suffering, then you are not following the path that Jesus forged. Selfish and Christian are mutually exclusive and frankly you need to pick one.

That is why I feel so blessed. I have friends who truly care about me and are there to support me when I need them (and I am happy to be there for them as well). It's a tough world out there and we all need all the help we can get. I hope our society stops choosing to be so selfish and narcissistic but in the meantime, at least I've got my community and you know what? I will take it.

Just Another Day in the Life

This isn't me but sometimes I feel like this sure could be me: overworked mom multi-tasking with cleaning, shopping, laundry and the occasional quick work out so you can somehow manage to keep your sanity And as for that smile on her face? That's not happiness. It's called embracing the chaos. That smile is frozen there on her face due to lack of sleep. Trust me...been there done that. Too many times.

Lately it seems like I keep saying, "this weekend I'm going to..." and I finish that sentence with, catch up on emails to friends or organize the spare room or do something else equally productive. For example, I really need to swap out my old wallet for a new one because every time I open it now, I have to hold onto my credit cards in place because the sleeve that holds them is ripped and they've on more than one occasion, come flying out all over the floor in front of me, so I have to stop whatever it is I'm doing (buying groceries, going through the turnstile at the train station, etc.) to pick them up. And I'm always afraid I'm going to miss picking one up and some random stranger will max out my account just because I'm too frazzled to switch out my wallet.

But then somehow the weekend comes and goes and it's Sunday night and somehow I've gotten none of these things done. How is that? 

It's because my life is CRAZY. Sometimes just super crazy. Like for example, last week, I had a one hour lunch break before I had to be back for a work meeting, so i decided to run a quick errand. I drove the car literally two miles, parked in a parking lot of a sunny, warm fall day, came back to the car and...it wouldn't start. Ugh. Seriously? I asked around for anyone with jumper cables and thankfully a very nice man responded yes. He jumped my battery, I thanked him profusely and then he handed me some Jesus literature.  I was like hey sure, thanks. Good to know that Jesus was looking out for me in downtown Malden I guess.

After that experience, I took the car directly to the gas station up the street to have them replace the battery since it was obviously dead. Took them literally 30 seconds to tell me, nope. It was the alternator. Double ugh. Long story short, my car runs again but I am now $360 poorer. The good news is that I did manage to somehow miraculously make it back in time for my 1pm meeting. Impressive right?

Earlier this month, I also discovered that my dog walker was stealing from me! I've noticed stuff disappearing over the course of the last few months but they were such random things (Christopher's flip flops, my Uggs, etc.) that I really just thought I was losing my mind. I also thought that maybe i was just cleaning the house and forgetting where I put them. But I live in a small condo and that argument could really only just go so far.

Then one day my Kindle disappeared and I knew something was going on. I turned my condo upside down and it was just gone. So I emailed the woman who owns the dog walking service I use and asked her if she had heard anything about Kathy (dog walker) stealing. She said OMG, I was the second person in just a few days to say the same thing and she was now totally disgusted. 

Okay on the one hand I was relieved because I finally knew that I wasn't actually losing my mind, On the other though...SHE'S disgusted?? I am the one who's seriously disgusted. I let this woman voluntarily into my home, paid her money and she stole belongings from my 6 year old son? Who steals from a child??? The dog walking service replaced my stolen stuff and I changed my locks thankfully but this did NOT make me happy. By the way, changing your locks yourself is HARD. It took me several hours and a lot of F-bombs before I finally got it right. I am not destined for a career as a locksmith, that is for sure.

In other unrelated news, my dog has horrible seasonal allergies and the poor thing is literally scratching himself raw, like he's got the DTs or something. I feel so badly for him. And I feel badly for me because he would wake me up in the middle of the night scratching, and shaking my bed and I wasn't getting any sleep for weeks on end. I gave him liquid Benadryl but he hated the taste and would run away and hide under the bed, which made giving it to him rather difficult. Not to mention, Benadryl only lasts four hours so he'd wake me up at 2am with more scratching and then I was really awake.

Turns out if I change his diet to this super high end dog food, the scratching is cut way down. I went to Petco last weekend and spent $40 on dog food for just one 12-lb dog and that was with a coupon. Seriously, this dog eats more expensive food than my son and I do!

Oh and on top of all this, I am also training for a marathon! I will be running the Philadelphia Marathon on November 23 with several friends from my running club. Thankfully I'm in taper mode now so life is a bit calmer but I've been running a LOT the last few months to prepare my body for 26.2 crazy miles through the streets of Philadelphia. I've fallen and scraped my shins twice and also pulled one calf muscle but I'm all healed now and excited for my race. Hoowah!

And that my friends is why I said I am not able to change my wallet out or organize my spare bedroom right now. Because I'm insanely busy! The good news is though that I did email my best friend who I kept saying I need to email and she wrote me right back saying she was happy to hear from me. So check that off the To Do list. Only 400 other items to go!

Happy Halloween!

Happy belated Halloween to all my loyal followers! And a happy All Saints Day today.

This year, my little dude dressed up as the Minecraft Creeper and I was the Cat in the Hat. We got a fair amount of use out of these costumes this year too because there were just so many events to attend. On Monday we went trick or treating at Texas Roadhouse and then inside for dinner.They had little stations set up in the parking lot where you could get candy and coupons from area businesses. On Tuesday I had the Melrose Running Club Ghost Run (yes I washed my costume before wearing it again!) and then yesterday, Christopher could wear his costume to school where there was a costume parade featuring the Kindergarteners and first graders. O course after that, there was Halloween night trick or treating. Whew. Yeah I'm tired today.

It was no small feat getting this costume together for Christopher either. He really wanted to be the Minecraft Creeper but the head mask was an adult size and I knew that it would be too big. But he reeaally reeeaallly wanted it. And he promised that he would wear it all night (right) and begged me to buy it for him. So I did. After that, I went to Amazon to buy a Creeper-themed sweatshirt I saw. After I ordered it, I waited. And waited. And waited some more. On. Oct. 27 I finally sent the vendor an email asking, hey where's my sweatshirt? They wrote back saying it was out of stock. Um, seriously? When were you planning to tell me that the item I bought and paid for wasn't in fact going to arrive??? 

So at this point, I am scrambling for back up costumes. My friend loaned me her son's old cape and Batman costume but Christopher refused to wear either. He still wanted to be a Minecraft Creeper, big head and no sweatshirt be darned.

So all I could do at this point is get him some camouflage clothes (shirt and shorts), put the head mask on and call him Minecraft. It wasn't the most well-coordinated costume, considering the amount of time I put in. I went to Party City twice! But he was happy, so that's what really matters I guess.

Christopher loved his Minecraft head when we went trick or treating on Monday night and also for the costume parade at school. However trick or treating in the dark did not work so well last night. That head came off about 10 minutes into the night and guess who got to hold it the rest of the time? Yep...me. I decided to be a kind, generous mommy and give the kiddo my Cat in the Hat hat so that he was more costume-y. And thus, the Creeper in the Hat was borne.

For the last three years, we've gone to the Beacon Hill neighborhood in Boston for some of the country's best trick or treating. I mean, where else can you walk along cobblestone streets next to beautifully decorated homes while also getting candy from the wife and daughter of our current US Secretary of State? In the picture below, that's Teresa Heinz Kerry on the right (wife of Secretary of State John Kerry) handing out candy to kids. It is not the same experience from when I was a kid, that's for sure.

This year was great because (a) Halloween was on a Friday so today we get to chill out and recharge and (b) this was the first year that Christopher didn't get completely overstimulated and was able to control himself all evening. That was huge! The last two years I dealt with a kid who would try to run away constantly or who had some epic meltdowns, which would make us have to leave immediately. This year no such problem. We spent about two hours trick or treating among the throngs of people and then called it a night at 8:30.

The weather held off yesterday but today's pouring down rain thanks to a nor'easter coming for a quick visit to New England. That means we'll have a great reason to be lazy and do nothing all day today. After such a busy week, I have no complaints on that one either.

Practical Solutions for Saving Children

This week I read a couple of articles about children and foster care that really disturbed me:

Scary Mommy shared a story about the heartbreak a foster child feels, not understanding why no one will ever love him. It does not end well. Articles rarely make me cry but this one affected me for a few days.

Children's Rights posted an LA Times article about the effects of the latest recession on impoverished children. The statistics are incredibly depressing. Did you know that:

• Five children die every day from gun violence
• One child dies every seven hours from abuse or negect
• Child poverty is at its highest level in the last 20 years

I also learned about the death of 2-year-old Colton Turner. This was a little boy well known to Texas Child Protective Services. Several complaints of abuse had been lodged against the mother. Family and friends said the child was being abused by the boyfriend. There were photos posted to Facebook that were apparently very disturbing. CPS talked to the mother each time but said they didn't see any examples of abuse even though there were photographic examples of bruising on social media. So life goes on until finally the boyfriend kills the child and buries his tiny body in the woods. Only then does the police department jump into action and launch an investigation. Um...it's a little late now don't ya think?

It makes me so sad that I keep having to read stories like this over and over and over again but nothing ever seems to change. The thing is, there are some really practical things we could do to protect children but no one ever wants to change the status quo because of "parent rights". Instead we just keep reading these stories of horrific abuse and terrible heartbreak and then go on about our day until the next story comes along. What about children's rights??? This is SO not the way things should be!

I've thought about it a lot and I think there are some pretty easy ways that we could improve childhood safety. Here are some examples.

1. Adequately staff DCF so that there are enough resources to follow up on all accusations of abuse and neglect. Yes I know that would cost taxpayer money but this is a subject definitely worth the investment
2. Change the laws so that a bio parent has a finite amount of time to get his/her act together. I say 18 months tops. Bouncing children back and forth for years on end only causes further trauma. Then by the time the state finally releases the child for adoption, the child is too old and very difficult to place. I am sure that's what happened in the case of poor young Steven in the Scary Mommy article and that's just sad. There are too many children out there like Steven.
3. Parental probation: When parents regain custody of their child(ren) the foster care system should require probation for the parents. The parents had to follow a service plan in order to regain custody so we need to make sure they are following it by staying away from people they need to be staying away from, remaining employed and drug free. There should be inspections of the home, employment checks and random drug tests. Someone convicted of stealing a candy bar from the grocery store will get probation but abusive and neglectful parents have no such requirements. That's just crazy.
4. Create a Big Brother/Big Sister program specifically for foster kids. These kids need someone stable and caring in their lives because everything and everyone else around them creates total chaos for their lives. This would also help DCF keep tabs on children who might be falling through the cracks now.

These are just a few of the way that we could do a better job of protecting and caring for at risk children in our country. It's an election year so how about we decide to hold our elected officials accountable for the children of our state? I know I am going to email this story to both Martha Coakley and Charlie Baker, who are the gubernatorial candidates for Massachusetts. What will you do???