Justin Harris Wouldn't Know Christian Values if They Hit Him in The Face

I will be the first to admit that I cannot quote scripture with any degree of reliability. But I will also say that because of a lot of time spent in church both growing up and as an adult, I have a pretty solid understanding of the Bible and the tenets that it promotes. As I understand it, as a Christian you are supposed to be kind, helpful, loving, supportive and to help take care of those who are unable to take care of themselves. Does that sound about right?

These Christian morals forged the foundation of my belief system and were one of the reasons I have always wanted to adopt from foster care. I wanted to give a home to a child who needed love and stability more than anyone. With my little guy here, I feel complete.

That's also why I find people like (R) State Rep. Justin Harris of Arkansas completely morally reprehensible. He and his wife Marsha claim to be Christians. They adopted two little girls from foster care but after six months found it all too hard to deal with, so gave the wee ones to a guy he had actually fired from his business because the guy was unreliable. Hey, I can't give you a severance because you're a terrible employee but here...take these innocent little girls instead. Seems logical, right? The girls were four and six years old and the guy ended up raping one of them. He plead guilty and sits in jail now, where I hope he rots for a very long time. If interested, you can read more about this sad tale here.



But wait, it gets better. Justin Harris held a press conference proclaiming that HE was the victim, not the little girl who got raped because of of his callous disregard for her safety. He said that he and his wife were forced to abandon the girls because they had severe behavioral issues and DCFS wouldn't help them. He said that the child's pediatrician told them to do this. This is all hard to believe. I call shenanigans on the Harrises "Christian values" for multiple reasons:

1. It doesn't happen a lot but adoptions do occasionally not work out and state social service agencies have protocols in place for taking back foster children whose adoptions failed, for whatever reason. He claims he was threatened by DCS but I don't buy that for a minute. FYI, good Christians don't lie to save their own hides.
2. The Harrises claim that they didn't know what they were getting into but the little girls' foster mom says they were told exactly what to expect and said that they had resources in place to help. This is what Cheryl Hart says: "i am the foster mom of the kids he discarded. We all tried to tell Marsha and Justin of the difficulties they would endure with the girls. They would not listen. They kept bragging about their degrees in early childhood development and their experience with children. Plus they insisted they had all the therapists on hand at their preschool to help with their problems. Plus they said God called them to do this and he would get them through anything. We tried to not send the girls there and Cecile Blucker pulled strings and blackmailed DHS workers. I would love to correspond with you about this tragic preventable catastrophe." That is a comment on this Change.org petition, which I have signed.
3. The Harrises continued to cash the subsidy given to them by the state even after they abandoned the girls. Um, fraud much?? I guess they forgot about that whole, "thou shalt not steal" Commandment when reading their Bible Cliff Notes.
4. Justin Harris is a state representative in Arkansas. One would think that he would use his power and stature as an elected official to unlock doors and change laws, granting more support to families like his own. However, there is absolutely no evidence that he did anything. Instead he introduced legislation that would allow daycare centers and pre-schools not be forced to have sprinkler systems (FYI, he and his wife own a "Christian" pre-school).
5. And most importantly, there is help available. Lots of it. For free. I know this because I've been there myself. Christopher came to me with some of the same history that these girls had and believe me, I get how difficult it is to raise kids with complex trauma history. I got called home from work one day because my son had threatened to kill his nanny that day. On multiple occasions, adults have had to intervene when Christopher started attacking other children with a stick. All this was very scary to me but you know what I didn't do? I didn't hand my child over to a pedophile. Instead I got him help. A lot of it. There was a point where he received therapeutic services three times a week and I also got him referred to the Boston Children's Hospital Developmental Medicine Center for even more intensive therapy. His behavioral pediatrician there specializes in foster and adoptive children with complex trauma histories and has been an incredible resource for us. The best thing of all is, these services are all free because foster children (in Massachusetts at least) get free healthcare until their 18th birthday. This is done to help incentivize an adoption because let's face it....healthcare is really expensive and these kids need a lot of it. But if you get the services, they really do work. Anyone who has ever met Christopher will tell you that he is a completely different child today, for the better. It doesn't happen overnight and requires hard work and patience. Too bad that the Harrises just couldn't be bothered.

I am so sorry for the two little girls that have had to repeatedly suffer at the hands of people who were supposed to be there and protect them. This story makes me both angry and sad. I can only hope that the media attention this story has generated helps save another child from potential harm. I posted this story to my Facebook page asking people to volunteer time and/or money to children's charities because we need more caring, loving people to ensure the safety of our nation's most at-risk children. I would also like to ask, dearest God, please watch over the foster children who need you and help to keep them safe from harm. Amen.

Why Gluten Free Works for Us

There's an article making the rounds of Facebook entitled "Science Proves Gluten Sensitivity Isn’t Real, People Are Just Whiners" that you can find Here if you're so inclined to read it.

As the mom of a kiddo who's on a gluten-free diet, articles like this tend to piss me off. Not because there is disagreement about the benefits of a gluten-free diet because I actually think healthy debate is a positive thing and I'm all for better education about what people choose to eat. And I get that some people are just jumping on the gluten-free bandwagon as yet another fad. If Jimmy Kimmel makes fun of you because you don't even know what gluten is and you're on a gluten-free diet, well, you might want to read up on your dietary options.

What bothers me is the headline has to mock people to make its point. Quite honestly, if the only way you can get your point across is by making fun of people, then you are immature and your argument has no credibility in my opinion. I don't argue with children.

I don't really care what some hipster, trying-to-be-too-cool, I-act-like-I-know-everything-but-I-still-live-at-home-with-my-parents "author" has to say about anything. They haven't lived any sort of real life yet and I don't see it as my responsibility to educate them.Whatever. Just go back to posting your ironic photos on Instagram of you and girlfriend at SXSW, stay out of my family's health choices and we'll all be fine.

For the grown ups out there though, let me tell you a little bit about what a gluten-free diet has meant to us. My son, because of his early childhood experience with trauma in foster care, has severe ADHD. He was put into foster care at the age of 2, bounced around NINE homes and finally landed with me at the age of 3. This was extremely traumatizing for my little guy and although he has a stable, loving home now, the damage has been done. His brain just didn't develop the way a "normal" child's would and he is extremely hyper, lacks impulse control and has trouble learning. We get care through the Developmental Medicine Center at Boston Children's Hospital and I also keep him on a strict routine, strict diet and make sure he gets enough sleep. It's a small sacrifice on my part to see a huge difference in his behaviors and that makes it all worthwhile.

My son's diet is both gluten free and artificial dye free and both help his behaviors tremendously. For the record, I don't think he has a reaction to gluten per se but more of a reaction to the wheat, which breaks down into a simple carb, spikes his blood sugar and makes him go crazy out of control.

So the issue really is wheat....not gluten. But no one really says let's have a wheat free diet. It's a gluten-free diet. It really is just a name though.

Of course, people might say that we've been eating wheat for thousands of years without issue so why are so many different people all the sudden saying that they're intolerant of gluten? The fact is, we've been eating wheat for thousands of years yes but we have only been eating "modern" wheat for a few decades. It's a fact that the modern wheat we eat today is not the same wheat we ate a generation ago. The Dwarf Wheat we have today is more compact and it is also processed differently so it's much less nutritious and jam-packed full of carbs. Through processing, we are now able to mechanically separate the nutritious components of the grain (the bran and germ) away from the endosperm, which is where most of the starchy carbs are contained. This change has led to an obvious reduction in nutrient density, contributes to rampant weight gain and gives refined wheat the ability to spike blood sugar very fast. That's where my son has his issues. Rapidly spiked blood sugar in a kid that has ADHD is never a good thing.

That being said, I will admit that recently I started to speculate whether my son was really affected by gluten or if it really was all just a myth. So a few months ago, I started to relax his diet because he was not gaining weight and he complained about missing bread. I felt like a guilty mommy denying my son something he loved so much. So I started letting him have peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast, which he LOVED.

Unfortunately, I did not LOVE his peanut butter sandwich breakfasts because all the behaviors came right back and he started acting completely out of control again. I couldn't get him dressed in the morning and we'd be late for camp or school. Every day was a constant battle and I was starting to feel overwhelmed.

It all came to a head one morning last week when I was worn out from a night of insomnia, stressed about the day of work ahead and the kiddo was running around the house, screaming and throwing his toys. He wouldn't put on his clothes, was downright mean and mocking to me and then on top of it all, ended up peeing in his pants. I lost it and started yelling, which made him cry and which made me feel terrible. This is not the kind of relationship I want to have with my child and it certainly would not work long term. Something had to change.

Since then, I've put Christopher back on his strict gluten-free diet and it has worked tremendously well for him. He still has a lot of energy in the morning and requires some redirection to get dressed but I am at least in control of the situation and that's a good thing. When I drop him off at school in a good mood, I can relax and feel good about our relationship and about my parenting. If it means he's not getting whatever he wants for breakfast, well that's just the price we have to pay for a good life.

Unlike Buzzworthy, NPR has news written by actual grown-ups and there's an article that says there is still a great deal to learn about gluten that science hasn't figured out yet. This is especially true regarding how diet affects kids with ADHD, Autism and learning disabilities. We definitely have a lot to learn. I would also like to recommend a book called Wheat Belly by Dr. William Davis. It's very enlightening.

For the record, my son ate Leapin' Lemurs GF cereal mixed with Corn Chex for breakfast an hour ago and right now he is quietly watching a video on the Kindle while I type this blog post up. I certainly cannot complain about that!

Summertime Ups and Downs

Here we are at the beginning of August already. How is it that summertime flies by so quickly and the winter just churns on and on and on and on and ....

Anyway, we've had a lot of fun this summer and as many great times as we have had, Christopher's been way off his routine more than I had wished. This does create some issues for him too.

For example, when Christopher gets really over-stimulated with lots of activity and other kiddos around, his medication simply stops working. So a few weekends ago when we were up in Maine, you would not even know he was taking meds. He was hitting, kicking and fighting with his cousin which really made me lose my cool a few times.

Also, even though his medication is a 12-hour lasting dose, it does wear off at some point. So here we are at dinner in a lovely restaurant with extended family and Christopher starts to melt down. Loudly. I even had to put my hand over his mouth at one point to keep him from scaring the other patrons because he was that loud. Luckily my family helped out and were able to calm him down because this frazzled mom was staring to feel overwhelmed.

One day this past week Christopher went to bed way too late and woke up way too early so he didn't have enough sleep. That day he was like a walking zombie all day and I felt bad for him. I tried to get him to take a nap but he wouldn't do it, instead just choosing to stare at his toys for a while. This was way out of character for him and I made sure that the following evening he got to bed earlier. His medication really does require that he get enough sleep and this is clearly what happens when he doesn't get it. Poor kiddo.

Last but not least, being off of his normal strict routine seems to exacerbate his PTSD and all of the sudden, once summer started, Christopher became deathly afraid of all bugs; spiders and black flies especially. He shrieks loudly, darts his eyes back and forth and runs to me, needing to be held. Let me tell you, in New England in the summertime, there are a lot of bugs so this has been an issue for him. I keep trying to remind him that he's safe but he's struggling with this the most. I will say that this past week on Cape Cod, he was not the only child afraid of the bugs because one of my sister's friend's daughters was also afraid. Plus my niece became scared yesterday as well. So I don't think that this fear is entirely uncharacteristic of children. However when you have a child who has experienced trauma, I guess the reactions are all just a whole lot stronger.

Now onto the good stuff. We had so much fun in our travels this summer. Best of all, my sister and her kids, who live in Colorado, were visiting this summer so we got to spend TONS of time with them. We just love them so much!

One weekend, we went to the new Legoland Discovery Center here in Boston. The kids had a blast but man, it was loud and exhausting. I was glad to come home after that experience.

On the following weekend, we went to Maine to see some extended family. For my brother's birthday, we all went to the local bait/tackle/gun shop to enjoy a fresh lobster and clambake. It was a unique setting...but very tasty.

We just got back from a week on Cape Cod where we got to stay at our family's lighthouse. Yep....my grandmother bought a real lighthouse in 1936 and it's been in the family ever since. We were truly blessed with amazing weather too so no complaints there.

It was fun because we got to host a lot of friends and family and enjoy a beach with hardly any people on it. How often does that happen in the summertime?

We all get clamming licenses so that we can go clamming and enjoy really really fresh clams that evening. I have to say, those are the most amazing, tasty treats. Nothing beats a fresh, grilled clam!

Even my dog loved the vacation. Nothing like getting wet and dirty in the sand with your family!

When we weren't traveling hours away, we managed to enjoy some closer to home activities this summer as well. For example, here's a photo I took in Gloucester last weekend, where we went for a day trip with a good friend of mine.

And even closer to home, I had a few barbecues this summer right on my front porch. The weather didn't always cooperate--for example it poured down rain on the 4th of July--but that did not deter me. I'm not going to melt. I just braved the elements for a while and next thing you know, I had some yummy grilled salmon and corn on the cob.

So yes we've had to take the good with the bad this summer but still things are better this year than they were last summer when Christopher was just so out of control. A year ago I didn't know what to do about Christopher's behaviors. He was just stuck in overdrive, couldn't slow down and would just get violent with other little kids. I also didn't know about the need for routines and a clean diet and we were still on the wait list for our intro appointment at the Behavioral Medicine Clinic at Children's Hospital. Since Christopher started getting treatment there, life became so much easier. Routines plus clean diet and medication have made a huge difference, along with Christopher just maturing and also believing more that this is his forever home. Each year it does definitely get easier. So that's great. The tough thing though is that as much as I'd love to be able to help other kids get out of the foster care system, Christopher is still such a handful that I just don't think I could handle another child with any sort of special needs. And let's face it, all kids from foster care will have some sort of special needs, right? The trauma alone will mess with a kid's head and they will need help. I just don't have it in me to do more though. My hands are full!

Today is Friday August 1st and I'm still on vacation till Monday. Plus it's an absolutely beautiful day so I've decided to keep the vacation fun going. I've got a few errands to run and a ton of laundry to do but that can all wait till tomorrow when it's supposed rain all day. I think I'll take the kiddo to the beach today. More memories to come!

The ADHD Mom and Children's Parties: No Fun!

As many of my readers know, my son was diagnosed last September with ADHD and we've had a great deal of success using a multi-pronged approach of diet, structure and medication to treat it. Our normal day to day lives are so much easier now because of that approach. And that's a very very good thing.

What are you supposed to do when you can't follow your normal routine though? Do you keep your child from going to parties that would be fun for him but a nightmare for you? Or do you say let's let him have this one day of fun and you just suck it up because you want to give your kid a "normal" life?

Case in point: Friday night starting at 6pm, Christopher's school had the end of the school year "Spring Fling". It was an ice cream party (no real food) with lots of sugar and artificial dye, loud music and crazy loud little kids running around screaming. Describing the evening as "chaotic" would be an accurate assessment.

I was nervous about the event and also tired from a long week of being a hard working career-building single mom. But how could I say no to Christopher going when all his friends would be there? He'd cry on Monday if he missed this opportunity.

I will say though that the event as well as the next 24 hours were no fun for me. First of all, the party was at the end of a long week and Christopher was tired. It's a lot harder to control yourself if you're tired. Also, his meds had long since worn off so he didn't even have that going for him. The party was SO loud and so Christopher was completely over-stimulated. Not to mention, Christopher ate so much sugar...for dinner. This kid is normally on a gluten free, dye free, processing free diet so for him to eat all this crap with nothing healthy in his stomach was basically like giving him crack as a snack and letting him loose on society. He was a whirling dervish of chaos waiting to happen.

As much as I hate the idea of being a helicopter parent, I had to shadow Christopher the entire party to ensure he didn't hurt himself or the other kids. To make it even more "fun", the school provided these blow up beach toys in the shape of ice cream cones and the sun. This picture below isn't the exact toy but it's similar. They're made out of the same material as a blow-up beach ball and Christopher and the other high energy boys spent the evening pummeling each other with them. I had to pull another kid off him multiple times, his best friend was so wound up he was literally jumping off of furniture with them and Christopher kept whacking kids to the point that I was afraid he'd hurt someone.

Fun right???

We finally left after 2 hours and went home. I walked the dog, gave Christopher some real food, got him a bath and let him unwind for a bit watching the Kindle. By the time he got into bed, it was 10pm, which is a full hour past his normal bed time. He was exhausted. So was I.

The real fun began on Saturday after Christopher woke up at 5:30am with only 8.5 hours of sleep. He was off schedule, off diet and now didn't have enough sleep and we had to go to soccer at 8:30. Normally he is an amazing little soccer player but this day he was whiny, sluggish and cranky. I was tired and cranky too, so that was not a great combo; even worse considering I'm the coach of the team. I had to send him into a time out at the other end of the field at one point, screaming and crying, leaving my team behind. Thank goodness I have an assistant coach who could take over for me. Sometimes, I really wonder what the parents of the other kids think about us.

After the soccer debacle, I canceled plans for the rest of the day and took Christopher home. I was hoping he'd nap but no, he was just all sorts of cranky all afternoon. Considering I had also been awake since 5:30, I was pretty cranky too. Ugh.

Nothing made me happier than putting Christopher to bed at his normal 9pm bedtime last night. I went to bed soon thereafter and we both woke up in much better spirits today. Thankfully it's still the weekend and we have another nice day to enjoy outside.

Meanwhile, tomorrow (Monday), one of Christopher's friends has a birthday party starting at 5pm. I'm like, are you kidding? A party for 6 and 7 year olds on a Monday night? Initially I had RSVP'd yes for the party but I think after the weekend's festivities, I've changed my mind and will RSVP no. It's one thing to have a party and then have the weekend to recover. It's a whole other story to do this on a Monday and then have to go to school (and work) all tired and cranky for the next four days. No thank you.

But now it's time to get outside and enjoy this great weather. Happy Sunday to all.

Watch "Removed": An Award Winning Short Film About a Foster Child

A friend posted to my Facebook page earlier this week a link to the award-winning movie "Removed"; the story of what it's like to be a foster child in America. It's only 12 minutes long so I do recommend if you have some time to watch this. The end literally made me cry. Tears and everything.

The story was very realistic. It showed the abuse that this little girl and her brother endured, which caused them to be removed from the mother's custody and placed into separate foster homes. You could see the sadness and confusion on this little girl's face and she was moved from home to home, carrying all her belongings in a garbage bag.  I'll never forget that Christopher's clothes were handed to me in three drawstring garbage bags so this is very true and accurate to real life.

The movie also shows the little girl's anger and the behavioral issues that emerge because she feels she has no control over her life. And it shows the lack of trust these children learn to have. Oh how I can relate to that! For the first year and a half I had him, Christopher didn't trust me and didn't trust his pre-school teachers. He had been taken away before so why get close to these people if they were only going to hurt him? He used to act out in defiance, just willing us to give up on him. The screaming tantrums, the "you're not my favorite mommy" comments, and just acting out, that happened all the time. It was exhausting. Truly exhausting.

The little girl had flashbacks from her old life which shows she probably should have a diagnosis of PTSD. She started screaming when she got a new dress from her foster mom that reminded her of the domestic violence she witnessed at her mom's home. This of course confused the foster mom as she had no idea what caused the outburst.

Christopher has a diagnosis of PTSD and would freak out over thunderstorms, smoke alarms and swimming over the drain at the YMCA pool. I was of course confused as well and his therapists would tell me that there are a lot of experiences this little boy had that I just don't know about. So when he would scream and cry like that over what seems silly to me, I would just comfort him and let him know he was safe.

The movie also showed the conflicted emotions that these children have over visits with their birth mom. In the movie you see the little girl refusing to interact with the mom during a visit. She's angry at her and for good reason. Mom failed to keep her safe.

Christopher's last visit with his birth mom resulted in a screaming tantrum when we got home and a punch in my eye. For a three year old, he has a remarkable strong right hook, let me tell you. He was angry though because his mother had told him out of spite that he was going to be given away again and that this wasn't his forever home. She was angry that she couldn't have her child so she wanted to hurt him, which of course is a big reason why she couldn't have her child. I mean seriously, who does that? That one comment messed with his head for months, by the way. It was probably the single worst thing she could have said to him at the time.

Like the little girl in this movie though, Christopher eventually began to heal and to trust. We still have our struggles and I still often have to remind Christopher that this is his forever home but at least now he believes me when I tell him.

I don't want to give away the end of the movie but I do want to say...it made me tear up. You need to see it for yourself.

To watch "ReMoved", please click here.

What a Rough Week!

I am so glad this week is over and I'm sure my kiddo is glad too.

Christopher came home from school with notes every single day this week. Here is a roundup of our less than stellar week:

Monday: Threw pencils at kids across the room
Tuesday: Hitting, biting, pushing and spitting on kids in the after school program
Wednesday: I didn't even read the note
Thursday: Kicked a girl in the head in the after-school program
Friday: Crying in class; Jumped on friend because he wanted the book she had in her hands

Aaahhh the joys of an ADHD former-foster kid.

What happened this week? We had been doing so well the last few months and now it seems almost like we're back at square one again. I do have some theories:

1. Christopher's therapy is about to end and the therapy team told him on Monday that he was going to "graduate" next week. Christopher has lost two therapists before these two because they had left the practice to get new jobs. Each time Christopher transitioned away from the old therapist to a new therapist, he acted out in ways similar to the above. It makes sense that Tuesday was his worst day because that was the day after he was told he was losing Mary and Mike.
   
   I asked Christopher on Wednesday evening if losing Mike and Mary was upsetting him and he said yes. I also asked him if he thought he was going to be taken away again and he said yes to that as well. Ugh. So my child is acting out because he's afraid he's going to taken away and put into another stranger's foster home. What a heartbreaking thought. I can't imagine always being afraid that I was going to lose my home and my family but this is the reality for so many kids unfortunately. Thankfully that's not the reality for MY kid though and I reassured him that this was his forever home and that he was stuck with me.
   
   It's frustrating because clearly this kid needs some sort of help but what do you do when the services your child gets to help him with his trauma history is what is actually causing the problems? I can talk to the therapists but what can they do? They're "graduating" him next week. Then we're on our own. Not really what I need but it is what it is.
   
   I spoke with Christopher's teacher and she said he could see the therapist at the school if he has an IEP. We are scheduled for IEP testing later this month so hopefully he qualifies and can start receiving services through the school.
   
   
2. After being off school for two weeks, Christopher is way off of his routine. Christopher does not do well at all when he's off his routine. He may need some time to re-adjust to his long days at school and the after-school program again. Lots of kids. Lots of stimulation. And lots of being tired by the end of the day. All those factors can be rough on a kid with ADHD. Hopefully he adjusts next week.
   
   
3. I may have forgotten to give Christopher his ADHD medication on Tuesday. Oops on my part. I too am off my normal routine and with trying to remember so many different things in the morning, I think I forgot possibly one of the most important. After his tough day on Tuesday though, I will never let that mistake happen again.

We'll see if next week is better and I truly hope it is, or else I'll have to figure something out. We'll see. Wish us lots of luck. I think we may just need it.

Parenting Tips for Raising an ADHD Child

I've seen that there are so many parents like myself struggling with how to provide the best care to our ADHD children for optimal results. I am blessed because I have worked hard to give my ADHD kid the assistance he needs and the results have been tremendous. My son went from being highly aggressive, disruptive and in constant time outs. He would complain that kids didn't want to play with him and parents would either glare or yell at me on the playground. My kiddo also had lots of trouble focusing in school.

Fast forward to today and now he has friends, he loves sports, rarely gets put into a time out anymore and does well in school. The difference in my child is actually pretty huge.

This journey wasn't quick or easy but it can be done and some of the results are immediate, which will make it worthwhile right out of the gate. My son is living proof. So that said, I thought I would share some of the tactics I've used to help the kiddo be a successful, meaningful, happy member of the community.

Medication

Some kids' ADHD symptoms can be managed without medication but my child is not one of those kids. I give him 10 mg of Metadate CD and it has made a world of difference. Before medication, he lacked impulse control which resulted in him hitting, pushing and scratching children, mostly when he was really excited. He also had trouble focusing in school. Now that he takes meds, he can control himself and focus better in school. I've seen the dramatic difference and so have my friends.

I only give my son enough medication to make it through the school day and just deal with the crazy child when he's home with me in the evening. That way he is able to sleep at night. I've heard that insomnia is a symptom of medication and I definitely want my child sleeping at night. Right now he sleeps like a ROCK so that's good.

Just so you know, the idea of medication initially scared me because I heard about all these terrible side effects. However if you can keep the dosage low, there are no side effects, at least with our meds. Also, you need a top-notch medication like Metadate. I'm lucky that our insurance covers its cost because I've heard that not all parents' insurance plans qualify. I'm sorry to hear that. I was lucky in that the first med we tried works wonders for my kiddo but I do understand that for some families, that is not the case. Please be patient and work with your doctor to get your child the help he/she needs. The child will thank you for it in the end.

Diet

We are gluten free, dye free and I limit the amount of processed sugar my child can have. We are heavy into the Paleo lifestyle (lots of protein, fruits and veggies and very organic). This has worked wonders for my kiddo and also allows us to keep the medication dosage low, so that we don't have any issues with side effects. Even before I started the medication, I noticed a difference in his behaviors. He was still impulsive but not nearly as aggressive. So the clean diet has eliminated about 60% of the problem and the low dosage of Metadate does the rest.

Just an FYI, if you're going for a clean diet, you'll need extra time at the grocery store because you are now going to be reading every. single. label. This takes times. Also, you'll need to know where all the truly healthy food is shelved and this also adds to the time you need. It's confusing and time consuming, but so worth it in the end.

Vitamins

I give my son a dye-free multi-vitamin called Yummi Gummy Bears. Yes I know that there is sugar in the gummies but it's such a small gummy and the kiddo thinks it's a treat because it tastes so yummy. I just have to make sure he brushes his teeth well after eating one.

Side note: I had tried out the Omega-3 and DHA gummy but discovered it made my son super sleepy. I noticed it but thought at first he was just fighting off a bug or something. But then it became so bad that his Kindergarten teacher actually emailed me to say he was "foggy" in school, so I immediately stopped giving it to him. I don't know why this happened but I just wanted to let people know in case you experience this for yourselves.

Magnesium vs. Melatonin

Some ADHD kids have trouble sleeping and I've discovered that Magnesium is a GREAT cure for insomnia. My son doesn't suffer from insomnia but I have all my life. I've started taking magnesium every evening and now sleep SO well. I've also discovered that it has cured my migraines, which I had been getting daily due to the changing seasons. I have read that 50% of migraine sufferers have a magnesium deficiency so there's apparently a known correlation. So if you have migraines, you might want to try magnesium as well.

Side note: Some parents choose to give their kids melatonin for sleeping but I've read you should not do this on a daily basis. It takes away the body's ability to naturally get tired on its own. Plus, kids will eventually build up a tolerance and will need a higher and higher dosage. I've read about kids getting nightmares from the higher dosages so I stay away from all that. Magnesium is definitely a much better way to go.

Regarding magnesium, you could give a supplement or give your child (or yourself) a lavender Epsom bath of no longer than 20 minutes (or else you start to sweat it back out). Epsom salts are full of magnesium and so a bath is a healthy, relaxing way to get the magnesium you or your child needs to sleep.

Exercise

My very active son needs tons of exercise. If he doesn't get exercise starting first thing in the morning, he often gets himself into trouble. Unfortunately, "first thing" to my child is often 6am so as a mom who is NOT a morning person, this has been rough. I've had to change my own ways in order to accommodate the needs of my child and I do it because that's what we moms do. So if you find your ADHD kiddo acting out in the morning, make sure they're getting the exercise they need to provide an outlet for all that energy. The saying, "idle hands are the devil's workshop" is SO very true for ADHD kids!

My son goes to the before-school program at 7:15 every morning. He LOVES it. Why? Because he gets to run around the gym for an hour before he has to sit for several hours at a time. It gets all that little boy hyper energy out so that he has the ability to sit still for the rest of the day.

Sports

My kiddo is active in the town's U6 soccer league and also takes swimming lessons at the YMCA. Side note: Soccer only worked well once we started medication because he needed that impulse control that medication provided. He stopped hitting and pushing the other kids, made friends, scored goals and felt great about himself. The fall session of soccer has ended but we are already signed up for the winter session, which starts in January.

Swimming was great even before we started medication. Quite honestly, my son cannot hit or push kids if he's swimming because he needs both of his hands just to keep himself afloat. Plus, it wears him out, which is pretty huge for a hyperactive kiddo. If you're having trouble with energy and impulse control for your ADHD kid, I highly recommend swimming as an activity.

Become an ally with your child's teacher

Your child spends a good chunk of his or her day at school and the teacher is a big component of whether your child will fail or succeed in life. You need a strong relationship with your child's teacher. You may not always agree with them but you do need to listen to them. And you need to know how to effectively communicate with them so your child's needs are met without creating any animosity. Too many parents go into school demanding to get their way and that is not the way to handle the situation.

Work with your school and don't fight them unless they are blatantly disregarding the needs of your child. This does happen of course and there are resources out there to help you if that does happen. However I think the first effort at working together needs to occur with open communication.

Setting your child up for success in the classroom

Also, remember that your child is only one of at least 15 kids that the teacher oversees. If your child is hitting other kids and can't be controlled in the classroom, it disrupts all the other kids and that certainly isn't fair to anyone. Do what you need to do to make sure that your child is calm and focused before entering the classroom. That includes ensuring they have enough sleep at night, have a healthy, protein-filled diet (no artificial dyes and processed sugar!) and medication, if necessary. You as a parent have a role to play in ensuring the success of your child in the classroom. Take that responsibility seriously.

The right school services

My son is in an integrated Kindergarten, which means the class size is smaller and there is more focused attention. This has worked wonders for my kiddo because he is getting the help he needs to succeed in his school work.

Individual Education Plans (IEPs) vs. 504s

We are also in the process of getting testing for my son for special education services. His doctor at Children's Hospital thinks he will qualify for an IEP because of his ADHD and so I've got a mountain of paperwork to fill out right now, sitting on my dresser. I will take care of that this weekend.

I honestly don't know anything about a 504 but have read that they exist. I know you can have an IEP or a 504 but not both. But that's really all I do know. If you want to learn more about this option, you will need to research that on your own.

Structure and routine

I have discovered that the structure and routine of school makes a huge difference in my son's behaviors. I actually paid a boat-load of money for a nanny over the summer, thinking that my son needed a break from all that routine but it turned out that this wasn't the best choice for him. It was crazy expensive for me and my son's behaviors actually got worse because he didn't have a strict routine anymore. Once school started again, he was so much better behaved and honestly, really quite happy. He tells me he loves school and that thrills me. And it's a lot cheaper for me too. So win-win all around.

Take care of basic needs first

Is your child hungry, tired or over-stimulated? Is he/she getting enough positive attention from you? Or is your child in need of exercise and thus acting out? Many times an outburst can be avoided if you realize what your child needs and act accordingly. Yes, sometimes that's very hard to do because hey, you want to focus on yourself occasionally. But if you do, just know that your kiddo will probably act out in reaction. No one said parenting an ADHD kid was easy.

Get help when you need it

There are times when your child's needs are bigger than you. That's when you need to get outside help. For example, my family receives weekly in-home therapy to help me manage my son's impulsive behaviors at home. My son also attends weekly play therapy to help him work through his issues and he also has a therapeutic mentor, which is kind of like a Big Brother but comes with a social worker degree. These services have been huge for us as a family and I can honestly say that Christopher is a much different, much better child today than he was when he came to live with me two years ago as a foster child. I am also a better parents because of it. I can't rave enough about the services we've received.

Discipline

ADHD is a diagnosis, not an excuse and you as a parent need to set firm boundaries and follow through on punishment, as appropriate. Your child needs to respect you as a parent and also needs to understand the consequences of their actions, if they break the rules. 

We follow the 1-2-3 Magic plan and it works well for us. If I start counting "mississippi's", my son knows to stop whatever he's doing before I get to "5 mississippi's", or else he will face the consequences. The consequences generally mean he loses out on something he loves so you may have to take away whatever that reward is a few times before your kid realizes, hey, mom isn't kidding. It's no fun to listen to your child scream and cry but once again, no one ever said parenting an ADHD kid was easy.

Time Outs

If my child is feeling over-stimulated and acting out he gets a time out in his room. I set the timer on the stove for 5 minutes (one minute per year of his age) and if he tries to come out early, I add a minute to the timer. That has worked well to calm him down but also give me a few minutes to calm down as well. Hey, sometimes we parents need as much of a break as the kids do!

Lots and lots of love, encouragement and patience

ADHD kids often lack self-esteem because of their behavioral issues and inability to focus in school. They want to be good but just don't always know how to be. So that's where patience and extra amounts of hugs and kisses come in, to make sure our kiddos know we still love them no matter what they do. My son feels insecure sometimes and he needs a lot of extra reassurance that I will always love him, forever and ever. Just this morning at 6am he starts jumping on my bed and I told him as calmly as I could, "if I get mad at you, I will yell and you don't want that. So please stop jumping on my bed before I get really angry". The kiddo immediately stopped jumping but started crying, saying I didn't love him anymore. I needed to reassure him that of course I still love him but that he needs to listen to mommy too. That worked and he went into the other room to watch Henry Hugglemonster on Disney Jr. I got another 30 minutes of sleep after that, so all was good. Win-win all around.

Get Time for yourself when you need it

Being a parent of an ADHD kid can certainly be exhausting and sometimes you need some fun time as well. That's why I love babysitters! I've got a weekly babysitter who comes every Monday night, who plays with my son and allows me to go shopping, out to dinner with friends or to the gym. Whatever it is I choose to do, it's always about ME. Sometimes we need that and you should never ever feel bad about looking out for your own needs. I think taking a break helps make me a better parent.

Remember...you're only human

Raising an ADHD kid is tough! In writing all the stuff above about how I'm able to help my son, I want you to know that it's not all sunshine and roses. Sometimes I'm tired or stressed or just running late and I will yell at my son. Nothing vicious...just more along the lines of, I TOLD you to put your shoes on! Do it NOW!!" Some days I feel overwhelmed by life and those are the days I just want to cry. And you know what? That's okay too. Something else I've been battling lately is that I'm just reeeallly tired. Like all the time. My little "alarm clock" wakes me up at 6am every day, regardless of the day of the week and unfortunately, he doesn't come with a snooze button. When he's ready to go, it's time to get up. And right now, I'm feeling so worn out because of it. So we're going to have a quiet afternoon today. The thing is, you do the best you can and try to be kind to yourself when you can't be Super Mom 24x7.

These are just a few of the ways I am able to best care for my ADHD kiddo but honestly, I could write a book on the subject. And maybe someday I will! In the meantime, I hope these tips were helpful and be sure to share any feedback on what works for you and your ADHD family.

Thank Goodness for Angry Birds!

After living with me for two years, Christopher finally asked to sleep in his own bed for the first time. This is huge! He used to be so afraid of sleeping by himself -- he was afraid of monsters in the closet, the dark and the smoke alarm scares him too. He used to be afraid of thunderstorms but he actually got over that in the last year. So cross one fear off the list, thank you very much. But the fear of the dark, monsters and the smoke alarm persisted.

That's a symptom of PTSD by the way; irrational fears like the smoke detector and loud thunderstorms. His therapist tells me that I don't know what happened when he was in foster care; that he probably felt scared when there was a thunderstorm and didn't have anyone there to comfort him. He feels safe and protected in my house so no more fear of thunderstorms or smoke alarms. Yay!

I used to battle with him to sleep in his own bed because I thought it was important that he sleep on his own. I'd put him to bed and he'd jump out four or five times and run around the house. Sometimes he'd be up until 11pm and I'd wonder how he was going to function the next day. I wondered about myself too actually. I was very tired a good chunk of the time.

After the Marathon bombing, I gave up on fighting with him at bedtime because I just didn't have it in me anymore to battle with him. I decided it was doing more harm than good to make him sleep in his own room and maybe he just needed his mama near him in order to feel safe. I stopped the hard nosed stance and changed to a much softer approach.

I've been telling him that if he sleeps in his own bed overnight, that he would get to play Angry Birds on the Kindle in the morning. He loves Angry Birds. And he loves the Kindle. So every morning he would get out of my bed and ask to play Angry Birds on the Kindle and I would say no. This was a reward for when he slept in his own room. He'd cry but I held firm. Last night, he finally worked up the courage to sleep in his own room by himself and I held up my end of the bargain: he is playing Angry Birds on the Kindle right now. Win-win all around!



I never thought I would say this but...thank goodness for Angry Birds!

Was Medication for ADHD The Right Choice?

It has been one week since my son's ADHD was diagnosed and I started him on medication. Truthfully, he received the diagnosis week ago Thursday but I was so flat out swamped with work and then sick with an awful bout of food poisoning, that I couldn't get the prescription filled until Sunday. Not enough hours in the day sometimes.

Anyway, I really struggled with the choice to medicate Christopher because the idea of medication that comes with side effects can be a bit scary. But ultimately I have to say it was the best decision I could have made. Christopher is doing amazingly on the medication and it has really improved his life.

The kiddo is on 10 mg of Metadate CD, which as I understand is the "hot, new" ADHD medication. Hey check us out. We're trendy. Who knew? Anyway, I'm happy with it because it really works and I don't see any side effects other than Christopher's appetite is a bit wonky. Some days I have trouble getting him to eat anything but then it all seems to catch up with him and he's starving a few days later and eats everything in sight. I need him to have all his nutrients though so I do worry on those low hunger days. I guess it's just important to ensure there's always foods that he likes in the house so that I can get him to eat something when I need him to eat something those days.

Other than that, Christopher has done GREAT on this medication. He tells me he loves the way he feels too. He said he could complete his school work more easily and that he didn't have any "do-over" work on the table (which I guess is what you get if the first time you do some work, it's not perfect and you need to do it over. Yeah they are working these 5 year olds pretty hard).

I've also noticed that he's just calmer and his teachers tell me they see it as well. He's not hitting or slamming into kids in the after-school program anymore, which is huge since that was a problem for us.

The big test was soccer yesterday. Christopher has a way of getting a bit intense on the soccer field and next thing you know, every little kid around him has been knocked down as he fights to get the ball into the goal, like he is a one-man soccer team. Last week they actually stopped the game five minutes early because of the intensity and the coaches were afraid someone was going to get hurt.

This week, Christopher was a soccer playing superstar. He has all the speed and all the agility of a fierce competitor but none of the aggression. He's competitive and was matching up pretty well against two kids on the other team that were amazing players (as far as five year olds go) as well. Christopher went after the ball, not the kids and that was awesome to watch. Christopher scored FIVE goals yesterday and I credit his medication for giving him the ability to focus and control himself so that his skills were able to shine instead of his behaviors.

I know it's a personal decision that every parent needs to make based on the needs of their child but in our case, I'm really confident we made the right choice. Please note that I also still think diet plays a HUGE role and so Christopher is still gluten free and artificial dye free. Plus I've started him on a multi-vitamin that has Omega-3 in it since I hear that helps with ADHD behaviors. I figure that I can keep him on a lower dosage of medication if I also treat his disorder with diet as well. This way I can stave off any potential weird side effects that I read about and which make me nervous. So far so good though and I'm hoping for the best.

Diet Fail This Week

Christopher got into trouble at school this week for pushing kids. Plus I realized he was acting out at home again. I actually had to put him into a time out the other day for the first time in weeks. This surprised me because he had been doing so well.  But soon I realized this was entirely my fault. I had gotten lazy on enforcing his diet and he ended up eating gluten and artificial dyes, which make him act aggressively. I know this and yet I still let it happen. Bad mommy!

My kid had been doing so well... SO well on his gluten free, artificial dye free diet. He was listening and respectful and he was keeping his hands to himself. I know he still had the impulsive thoughts (because he told me so) but he was able to override while he followed the elimination diet.

However this week, I knew he was getting a Pop-tart each day during the after-school program and I didn't stop it. I also saw that one of the kids had a birthday and brought in Blow Pops for each of the kids in the program to take. I let Christopher have one so I wouldn't seem like the "mean mommy". On another day, the kids played Bingo and when each child won a round, they'd get a lollipop. So Christopher had yet another no-no food this week and I allowed it because I didn't want to be mean.

Last but not least, I *thought* I had bought gluten free ice cream cones at Whole Foods but I bought organic, wheat-based cones instead. So every night, I think I'm giving Christopher a healthy GF treat for dessert and lo and behold, instead I'm actually contributing to the problem. Mommy fail.

After being told that Christopher's behavioral issues had returned and seeing his hyperactivity for myself, I realized I needed to be super strict with his diet. This mom had learned her lesson the hard way but I learned!

So now I will provide a Gluten-free, artificial dye-free snack + dye-free juice to the after school program every day. I'm also throwing away the remaining ice cream cones. Lastly, when Christopher comes home with a dye-filled piece of candy, I'll just switch it out with an approved treat. He really likes Lucy's Brownie Cakes so I will always keep a stash of those in the house. They're a bit pricey but I think all kids should still be able to enjoy tasty treats and this also helps me not feel like "mean mommy".

So now Christopher's week-day diet will look something like this:

Breakfast

Chocolate milk

Sliced fruit

Handful of garbanzo beans

Lunch

Honest Kids Juice (favorite flavor is grape)

Two turkey roll-ups

Sliced fruit

School Snack

Pirate Booty

After School Program Snack

Honest Kids Juice 

Lucy's chocolate brownie

Ta da! This will work. Christopher will still have a fun, tasty treat with the other kids while also ensuring that he maintains a strict diet that helps regulate his behaviors more effectively. So we'll just have to see how it goes. Wish us luck....

We FINALLY Got Our Eval From Children's Hospital

Children's Hospital, Boston

After an almost unbearable eight-month wait, Christopher finally had his neuro-eval at Children's Hospital. Yay! Hopefully we're moving in the right direction for a long-term solution now. I hope so at least.

The appointment went well. Christopher met with the therapist for about two hours and I met with the behavioral pediatrician. I told the doctor all about Christopher's history as well as the issues that have brought me to Children's.

Once the discussion ended, the doctor told me that she recognizes that Christopher's behaviors are probably not typical ADHD simply because of his trauma background but that he may have more of a ADHD *like* scenario going on. I agreed that his background plays a huge role in Christopher's life today. He won't sleep in his own bed, he has irrational fears and he worries that I will give him away when I get mad at him. But that's not the behavior stuff I want addressed. I can manage those things myself. I want to address the ADHD-like stuff because that's what's keeping him from integrating well into society. I hope that came through in our conversation.

I think it's possible to have an ADHD diagnosis in addition to all the trauma stuff he has had to work through. It's tough to unravel everything going on with my little guy, I'm sure. But we need to try to see each piece on its own, as much as we can.

A Revelation

In going through the questionnaire that I completed, we discussed the concept of "food hoarding". I said that Christopher has been known to hide food ]behind pillows and to sneak into the refrigerator when I'm asleep or taking a shower. He will also pick up random food and drinks off the street and try to eat or drink them, with me running after him, yelling for him to drop it. It's gotten to the point where I lock some treats in my car to keep him from sneaking them (or else I just don't buy them).

I never really thought about these actions in the context of his history but apparently they stem from the fact that early in life, Christopher never felt certain that he would get fed. A child who is chronically hungry develops a primal fear that he or she will never have enough food. They learn to eat whatever they can, wherever they can find it or they stash it away...just in cse. Thus his actions are the sad result of early abuse, neglect or deprivation. Well that just kind of breaks my heart. I can assure you though...this little guy wants for nothing now. He just needs to be able to accept that.

Next Steps

I go back on September 26th to discuss Christopher's diagnosis with the behavioral pediatrician and therapist. I'm looking forward to hearing what she has to say and to figuring out how we could best treat my awesome little guy so that he's a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kiddo.

This Was Random...

When we were leaving the hospital, all the sudden I heard from behind me, "Christopher?" I turned around and there in front of us were Christopher's last foster parents. They live three and a half hours away so the idea of running into them at Children's Hospital in Boston is completely shocking to me and obviously even more so to Christopher. (They were there getting some treatment for their grandson.)

He didn't recognize them at first and when they reminded him who they were, I could tell he didn't know how to take that. He started acting out. Running around the lobby. He climbed on top of the Information Desk and just acted a bit out of control. He wouldn't speak to the former fosters. I decided I needed to get him out of there because hey, it had been a long day (3 hours of evaluation) and now he was going to deal with the emotions of his last placement. It was too much. So we left. I asked Christopher if he wanted to hug the former fosters before he left and he said no. That's pretty telling because this kid hugs everybody. I didn't push it though and left it up to him. At that, I said goodbye to the fosters and we left. Christopher calmed down as soon as we got outside and has been calm ever since. I haven't brought up the former fosters and won't unless he does. 

And with that now we wait for the next step. So stay tuned. More to come!

Do Weighted Blankets Calm Kids (And Grown Ups) Down?

I have long had a feeling that putting mild pressure on a kid with some sensory stuff going on calms them down but it wasn't until recently that I realized that there is some scientific evidence to back this feeling up.

My examples are purely anecdotal. My super sweet niece and nephew both had a really tough time calming down as babies and my sister would intuitively bounce or swing them (which is a therapy for sensory processing disorder. She just didn't know that) to get them to calm down. One time when I was in the car with them my niece literally would not stop crying for over an hour, no matter what we tried. I finally as a last resort, decided to go into the back seat, put my hand on her chest, apply some mild pressure rubbing back and forth and within five seconds she was sound asleep. Yes, it was that quick. We were a bit shocked actually but very very relieved. As much as I love my niece wow all that crying was hard to handle.

When I took my now adopted son on his first airplane ride, during the ascent, when he felt the mild pressure on his chest due to gravity pushing him down, the same thing happened. He literally fell asleep in five seconds. At first I thought that he had gotten the wind knocked out of him because it happened so quickly. But a quick look at him showed he was just snoozing quite peacefully.

My nanny also commented that when the kiddo is strapped snugly into his car seat, he seems to be his calmest. He is relaxed, calm and often either falls asleep or at least seems really almost drugged, no matter what time of day it is.

Seriously, something about all this feeling of mild pressure or of being swaddled is so calming to kids with sensory processing stuff going on.

Unfortunately I can't afford to take a flight somewhere every night so that my kid gets a good night sleep. Nor can I drive around all night with him strapped snugly into his car seat. I need a better solution There is an answer though: Weighted blankets.

What is a Weighted Blanket?

A weighted blanket is simply a heavy blanket; filled with weights throughout, usually between 4 and 15 lbs. You can wear it on your lap, around your shoulders or to cover your whole body while you sleep. When a weighted blanket is applied, it provides relaxing, deep pressure touch stimulation. The pressure causes the wearer to release seratonin and melatonin, known relaxers naturally found in the body.

I found several blogs where the writers said that the weighted blanket really helped their child.

From adhdmomma.com:
[My son] won't sleep without his weighted blankets now -- they bring a level of comfort to him that would be hard to replicate in any other form.

And from Shadowdaughter:

It’s beautiful.  It’s wonderful.  It’s very calming and soothing.  It feels like a super-heavy beanie-baby.  Many companies use ball-bearings as weights in their blankets, but Salt of the Earth uses fine-grade river stones.  It feels like sand.  The cotton is also a great texture, nice and stiff like the cotton of a good top sheet. My husband (who has been diagnosed with ADHD) loves it as well. 

It sounds like these blankets are quite helpful but a search of online retailers show that they cost a good $100 bucks. Before I spend money like that, I want to make sure I know it works. Maybe I'll do a little more research and see....

Patience With Behaviors is Hard!

They say that "sorry" is the hardest word but for me, the hardest word sometimes is "patience".

In some way Christopher is a normal, high-energy, inquisitive little boy. Sometimes I forget he has a long trauma history and when I'm tired or frustrated ... or both, I lose my patience.

I know all parents yell and I don't get upset with myself for raising my voice when Christopher ignores my requests to pick up his toys. I hear parents at the YMCA yelling at their kids to listen all the time.

But there are times when Christopher's fears drive his behaviors but I don't realize it and then feel terrible when I yell at him.

For example, we've had a terrible time with going to bed. Christopher simply won't sleep in his own bed all night by himself. My social worker had told me that I needed to be firm about this so I would battle with him every night, bringing him back to his bedroom after he hops out, time after time after time.

One Monday night a few months ago, Christopher quietly got out of bed, went into the pantry, opened a container of sugar and proceeded to throw the sticky crystals all over his bedroom. I was in my own bed down the hall but heard the noise, went into his room, saw the mess and went ballistic.

I had no choice but to put Christopher into my bed while I cleaned the mess up, which of course is what he was trying to achieve (my kid is scary smart). When I was done cleaning (45 minutes later) though I was exhausted and furious. And he got an earful from me.

When I'd calmed down, I finally asked him why he did this. At first he just shrugged. But after I pressed him, he said that he was afraid he was going to be taken away again. I asked him why. After all, Christopher had been living with me for a year and a half and had been officially adopted. He knew this. So why was he still acting out?

Apparently Christopher had been thinking about his last foster home and how he thought they were going to be his forever family too. He loved his foster mom so much and was heartbroken when she gave him away. He was only there for six months but that was enough to create the bond and he's been hurting about that event ever since he came to live with me. Even two years later, the pain is still there.

Yes I felt terrible now. This poor kid is hurting and here I am getting upset with him. I was so glad he told me what was going on with him so that I could hug him and nurture him and make him feel safe and loved though.

For the record, I don't even bother with trying to put him to bed in his own room anymore. I just can't handle the battles anymore. I figure at some point he's going to feel secure enough to sleep on his own but until then I just let him stay with me. We'll make the transition to his own room when he feels ready I guess.

A Revolving Door of Therapists

Christopher has been living with my for less than two years but he is now officially onto his fifth therapist.

The upside to having a kid on MassHealth is that you get free health insurance. The downside is that you often get what you pay for.

For the record, Christopher still gets MassHealth because he was a very hard to place child (six foster homes two of which were intensive foster care placements and one disrupted pre-adoptive placement). He has behavioral issues that are difficult to manage and that require extensive and ongoing care. The state sweetened the pot, so to speak, by allowing me to keep him on MassHealth until his 18th birthday. As a single mom seeing my own healthcare costs going through the roof, this has been very helpful to me. And it also allows me to get services for Christopher that I might not have been able to afford otherwise.

However as I mentioned above, sometimes you get what you pay for and these therapists do not make a lot, so they move on to make more money elsewhere within (on average) two years. I can't say I blame them. Everyone deserves to make a decent salary. And this is not an easy job.

First Therapist
Christopher's first therapist was the most difficult for him to lose. We'll call her Kate (Not her real name as I don't like to use any identifiers without their permission.). Kate helped Christopher through his transition to me and through his adoption. He became very close to her and I leaned pretty heavily on her for support as well. When she left after just under a year, Christopher was devastated and I was depressed. She was great for him and a big help to me. Lots of acting out and way too many tears came out of that loss.

Second Therapist
Next up, Kate's supervisor Jane became Christopher's therapist. I didn't love hear nearly as much as Kate but Christopher became quite attached to her so I kept my mouth shut and stuck this one out. After eight months, she also left her job. She did eventually email me to say she'd landed in her new role and that she'd take Christopher back as a patient but he'd already suffered the trauma of another loss and was with another therapist so I stayed where we were.

Third and Fourth Therapists
All through this, Christopher has also received in-home therapy. He started off with a pair of therapists named Marla and Diane. Marla has been consistently there for over a year now but Diane left after only a month in. Next it was Marla and Elena but Elena has now also left. Marla's been partnered with a man named Matt and Christopher met him for the first time on Thursday. Christopher doesn't seem too affected by this change thankfully but I think that's because Marla is still consistently there. We'll see what happens when she moves on though. Apparently they all do eventually.

Was this list of therapists confusing? Yeah, for us too.

MassHealth or Private Health Insurance?
People tell me that I should consider putting Christopher on my health plan and getting him therapy using my insurance. Life is just so expensive right now though with the summer nanny and increased grocery costs (due to Christopher's new diet) that I can't afford to do that right now. I think having therapists work as a team is working for now though and I might just try sticking with that for a bit. If one therapist leaves, he still has the consistency of the other on the team. He seems okay with Marla and Matt and in my opinion, let's stick with what works for now. I don't know if others have the luxury of having a therapy team working with their kids but if you can do it, I recommend it.

A Fun Day With Others Like Us

Yesterday I took my son to an outdoor event sponsored by the Department of Children and Families (DCF). The party was held in a nearby park and was a celebration for kids in foster care and for their families (both actively foster and adoptive). It was totally fun for my kiddo because it had everything this 5 year old little boy loves: a bouncy house, lots of kids his age to play with and fun arts and crafts. It was also fun for me because the people there were all like us: foster/adoptive kids with  trauma histories and the families that support them. I felt like I had found my tribe!

Another reason I could relax was in case Christopher acted out I wouldn't be dealing with it all on my own for once. I knew if anything happened, that there were licensed social workers on hand who were trained to deal with kids with trauma histories. And lastly, for one day I also felt like no one was judging my parenting without really knowing what was going on. If Christopher acted out yesterday, it would have been better understood and dealt with as opposed to someone just coming at me to tell me what I'm doing wrong as a parent.

It's surprising how often people just judge my parenting without understanding what we're dealing with on a daily basis. From the family members who've raised kids and are therefore parenting experts to complete strangers at the playground, everyone has an opinion and feels way too comfortable sharing it with me. It can be so exhausting for me to deal with Christopher's behaviors and then have to battle with people who feel compelled to inject themselves into the situation.

I remember when I took Christopher to the 4th of July Parade. I thought that he would really enjoy the festivities but wow, was I wrong! I put him in a stroller and stood at the end of the parade route, ready to cheer on the floats, clowns and military personnel as they walked by. Unfortunately he hated it and started to act out instead. The parade was too loud and too overwhelming for my sensitive little guy and instead of loving the event, he started screaming and crying. Not knowing what to do (I'd only been parenting a few months at this point) I took him a few feet away and tried to calm him down. That didn't work and he continued to cry and scream.

In the midst of all this, a know-it-all woman comes over and starts yelling at ME. What are you doing??? You're traumatizing that kid! Why don't you LEAVE?? Apparently because she's a grandmother (or so she yells) of course she knows all and felt like she had the right to force her extremely strong parenting opinions upon me all while I'm actively trying to calm down my kid.

I'm so frazzled with the screaming kid and with the screaming woman that I don't know what to do. What I should have done is tell the woman to shut up and mind her own business and to leave us alone but instead I just skulked away, embarrassed and upset. An entire year later, this experience still haunts me.

I can name episode after episode where someone has made me feel bad because my kid wasn't acting "right" in their opinion. And I can name countless times I've been forced to listen to advice that I know is not right for my situation. But being a single mom with no one to back me up, I've often felt overwhelmed by my child's actions and just couldn't deal with fighting another person as well. So I end up sitting there and getting reprimanded, like I'm a petulant child myself. I'm angry and upset and feeling so very much alone as this all goes on. These scenarios really suck.

When I was at the event yesterday, someone gave me some great advice on how to deal with situations like this. Literally, just shut the person down and don't allow them to engage. "Thank you but this is none of your business," would have been the appropriate response to the rude woman yelling at me at the parade. Other situations call for, a simple thank you for your advice. As a first time foster mother, I'm learning as I go along. If you have any experience with children with trauma history, I'd love to hear that.". And then stop them there. Do not let them go on and on with their supposed expert advice that only makes things worse. Because in the end, they really don't understand kids with trauma histories and their opinions don't help.

But that's why yesterday was so nice. Everyone there could relate to what I was going through and so for once I didn't feel all alone. No one was judging me and telling me what I'm doing wrong. Instead they were thanking me for all my hard work and actually appreciating all my efforts. And for once I could let my guard down and just have a good time. And so I did and you know what? It was a pretty awesome day.