I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

This morning I ran 11 miles with the Melrose Running Club. This was our last long run together before a group of us heads off to Pennsylvania next Friday to run the Philadelphia Marathon on the 23rd. It's a bit chilly out today but dry and we had a great run.

It's amazing that I, a single working mother with a behaviorally challenged former foster kid could train for a marathon but I've been truly blessed with the most amazing community of friends through the Melrose Running Club.

Whenever I've fallen down (which I did twice, scraped and bloody), they've been there to bandage me up. When I needed help with childcare, they stepped in to watch Christopher. They refused to let me run alone at night in the dark. They got me through some hot weather long runs where I didn't think I'd be able to finish but did because they were there running beside me. One week when I was feeling overwhelmed with life, I almost started crying on the running trails and they hugged me and said it would be okay. And after a good night's sleep, it all was.

After spending so much time with these amazing, warm, compassionate people, I know that if, God forbid, some illness or accident were to befall me, that they would be there to help me in whatever capacity I needed them. It goes without saying that I would do all the same for them as well. Quite frankly, the friends I have made through the Melrose Running Club have become my community and I feel truly blessed to have them in my life.

Just two of the amazing rock stars that I ran with today

I recognize that this lovely community I am a part of is very special and not everyone has this much support. For example, I have a dear friend from college who is a faithful reader of this blog and I feel so badly for her because she is going through a very difficult time right now. I wish I could be there to help support her but she lives so far away from me that all I could do is send money and a lots of virtual hugs. I know she's having a tough time navigating life on her own right now and I wish she had a community of support like I have because I think she could really use some help. I hate hearing how difficult life is for her right now. Hugs to you my friend.

I'm also a member of a Facebook support group for parents of children with ADHD and I see the struggles these parents have; very similar to many of the ones I've experienced as well. When life gets them down (which sadly, it often will) they come to the support group looking for a little understanding and camaraderie from a group of people who get what it's like to raise a child with ADHD. It's hard! And with so many people getting in your face to tell you that you're just a bad parent because ADHD doesn't really exist, sometimes it can feel even harder. How can you pick yourself back up when people all around you are telling you it's your fault for being down in the first place? Life can be so demoralizing.

At one time in history, we thought "it takes a village" to raise children. Nowadays everyone's so isolated and doing everything on their own, which makes the daily grind so difficult. On top of that, people can be so unbelievably judgmental! Plus, we're at a point in America that seems to be dominated by people who are all about "me, me me" and there is a serious lack of compassion, even from people who claim to be Christian. I have to say, you can claim to be whatever you want but unless you choose to be kind and supportive towards people who are suffering, then you are not following the path that Jesus forged. Selfish and Christian are mutually exclusive and frankly you need to pick one.

That is why I feel so blessed. I have friends who truly care about me and are there to support me when I need them (and I am happy to be there for them as well). It's a tough world out there and we all need all the help we can get. I hope our society stops choosing to be so selfish and narcissistic but in the meantime, at least I've got my community and you know what? I will take it.

Just Another Day in the Life

This isn't me but sometimes I feel like this sure could be me: overworked mom multi-tasking with cleaning, shopping, laundry and the occasional quick work out so you can somehow manage to keep your sanity And as for that smile on her face? That's not happiness. It's called embracing the chaos. That smile is frozen there on her face due to lack of sleep. Trust me...been there done that. Too many times.

Lately it seems like I keep saying, "this weekend I'm going to..." and I finish that sentence with, catch up on emails to friends or organize the spare room or do something else equally productive. For example, I really need to swap out my old wallet for a new one because every time I open it now, I have to hold onto my credit cards in place because the sleeve that holds them is ripped and they've on more than one occasion, come flying out all over the floor in front of me, so I have to stop whatever it is I'm doing (buying groceries, going through the turnstile at the train station, etc.) to pick them up. And I'm always afraid I'm going to miss picking one up and some random stranger will max out my account just because I'm too frazzled to switch out my wallet.

But then somehow the weekend comes and goes and it's Sunday night and somehow I've gotten none of these things done. How is that? 

It's because my life is CRAZY. Sometimes just super crazy. Like for example, last week, I had a one hour lunch break before I had to be back for a work meeting, so i decided to run a quick errand. I drove the car literally two miles, parked in a parking lot of a sunny, warm fall day, came back to the car and...it wouldn't start. Ugh. Seriously? I asked around for anyone with jumper cables and thankfully a very nice man responded yes. He jumped my battery, I thanked him profusely and then he handed me some Jesus literature.  I was like hey sure, thanks. Good to know that Jesus was looking out for me in downtown Malden I guess.

After that experience, I took the car directly to the gas station up the street to have them replace the battery since it was obviously dead. Took them literally 30 seconds to tell me, nope. It was the alternator. Double ugh. Long story short, my car runs again but I am now $360 poorer. The good news is that I did manage to somehow miraculously make it back in time for my 1pm meeting. Impressive right?

Earlier this month, I also discovered that my dog walker was stealing from me! I've noticed stuff disappearing over the course of the last few months but they were such random things (Christopher's flip flops, my Uggs, etc.) that I really just thought I was losing my mind. I also thought that maybe i was just cleaning the house and forgetting where I put them. But I live in a small condo and that argument could really only just go so far.

Then one day my Kindle disappeared and I knew something was going on. I turned my condo upside down and it was just gone. So I emailed the woman who owns the dog walking service I use and asked her if she had heard anything about Kathy (dog walker) stealing. She said OMG, I was the second person in just a few days to say the same thing and she was now totally disgusted. 

Okay on the one hand I was relieved because I finally knew that I wasn't actually losing my mind, On the other though...SHE'S disgusted?? I am the one who's seriously disgusted. I let this woman voluntarily into my home, paid her money and she stole belongings from my 6 year old son? Who steals from a child??? The dog walking service replaced my stolen stuff and I changed my locks thankfully but this did NOT make me happy. By the way, changing your locks yourself is HARD. It took me several hours and a lot of F-bombs before I finally got it right. I am not destined for a career as a locksmith, that is for sure.

In other unrelated news, my dog has horrible seasonal allergies and the poor thing is literally scratching himself raw, like he's got the DTs or something. I feel so badly for him. And I feel badly for me because he would wake me up in the middle of the night scratching, and shaking my bed and I wasn't getting any sleep for weeks on end. I gave him liquid Benadryl but he hated the taste and would run away and hide under the bed, which made giving it to him rather difficult. Not to mention, Benadryl only lasts four hours so he'd wake me up at 2am with more scratching and then I was really awake.

Turns out if I change his diet to this super high end dog food, the scratching is cut way down. I went to Petco last weekend and spent $40 on dog food for just one 12-lb dog and that was with a coupon. Seriously, this dog eats more expensive food than my son and I do!

Oh and on top of all this, I am also training for a marathon! I will be running the Philadelphia Marathon on November 23 with several friends from my running club. Thankfully I'm in taper mode now so life is a bit calmer but I've been running a LOT the last few months to prepare my body for 26.2 crazy miles through the streets of Philadelphia. I've fallen and scraped my shins twice and also pulled one calf muscle but I'm all healed now and excited for my race. Hoowah!

And that my friends is why I said I am not able to change my wallet out or organize my spare bedroom right now. Because I'm insanely busy! The good news is though that I did email my best friend who I kept saying I need to email and she wrote me right back saying she was happy to hear from me. So check that off the To Do list. Only 400 other items to go!

Happy Halloween!

Happy belated Halloween to all my loyal followers! And a happy All Saints Day today.

This year, my little dude dressed up as the Minecraft Creeper and I was the Cat in the Hat. We got a fair amount of use out of these costumes this year too because there were just so many events to attend. On Monday we went trick or treating at Texas Roadhouse and then inside for dinner.They had little stations set up in the parking lot where you could get candy and coupons from area businesses. On Tuesday I had the Melrose Running Club Ghost Run (yes I washed my costume before wearing it again!) and then yesterday, Christopher could wear his costume to school where there was a costume parade featuring the Kindergarteners and first graders. O course after that, there was Halloween night trick or treating. Whew. Yeah I'm tired today.

It was no small feat getting this costume together for Christopher either. He really wanted to be the Minecraft Creeper but the head mask was an adult size and I knew that it would be too big. But he reeaally reeeaallly wanted it. And he promised that he would wear it all night (right) and begged me to buy it for him. So I did. After that, I went to Amazon to buy a Creeper-themed sweatshirt I saw. After I ordered it, I waited. And waited. And waited some more. On. Oct. 27 I finally sent the vendor an email asking, hey where's my sweatshirt? They wrote back saying it was out of stock. Um, seriously? When were you planning to tell me that the item I bought and paid for wasn't in fact going to arrive??? 

So at this point, I am scrambling for back up costumes. My friend loaned me her son's old cape and Batman costume but Christopher refused to wear either. He still wanted to be a Minecraft Creeper, big head and no sweatshirt be darned.

So all I could do at this point is get him some camouflage clothes (shirt and shorts), put the head mask on and call him Minecraft. It wasn't the most well-coordinated costume, considering the amount of time I put in. I went to Party City twice! But he was happy, so that's what really matters I guess.

Christopher loved his Minecraft head when we went trick or treating on Monday night and also for the costume parade at school. However trick or treating in the dark did not work so well last night. That head came off about 10 minutes into the night and guess who got to hold it the rest of the time? Yep...me. I decided to be a kind, generous mommy and give the kiddo my Cat in the Hat hat so that he was more costume-y. And thus, the Creeper in the Hat was borne.

For the last three years, we've gone to the Beacon Hill neighborhood in Boston for some of the country's best trick or treating. I mean, where else can you walk along cobblestone streets next to beautifully decorated homes while also getting candy from the wife and daughter of our current US Secretary of State? In the picture below, that's Teresa Heinz Kerry on the right (wife of Secretary of State John Kerry) handing out candy to kids. It is not the same experience from when I was a kid, that's for sure.

This year was great because (a) Halloween was on a Friday so today we get to chill out and recharge and (b) this was the first year that Christopher didn't get completely overstimulated and was able to control himself all evening. That was huge! The last two years I dealt with a kid who would try to run away constantly or who had some epic meltdowns, which would make us have to leave immediately. This year no such problem. We spent about two hours trick or treating among the throngs of people and then called it a night at 8:30.

The weather held off yesterday but today's pouring down rain thanks to a nor'easter coming for a quick visit to New England. That means we'll have a great reason to be lazy and do nothing all day today. After such a busy week, I have no complaints on that one either.

Practical Solutions for Saving Children

This week I read a couple of articles about children and foster care that really disturbed me:

Scary Mommy shared a story about the heartbreak a foster child feels, not understanding why no one will ever love him. It does not end well. Articles rarely make me cry but this one affected me for a few days.

Children's Rights posted an LA Times article about the effects of the latest recession on impoverished children. The statistics are incredibly depressing. Did you know that:

• Five children die every day from gun violence
• One child dies every seven hours from abuse or negect
• Child poverty is at its highest level in the last 20 years

I also learned about the death of 2-year-old Colton Turner. This was a little boy well known to Texas Child Protective Services. Several complaints of abuse had been lodged against the mother. Family and friends said the child was being abused by the boyfriend. There were photos posted to Facebook that were apparently very disturbing. CPS talked to the mother each time but said they didn't see any examples of abuse even though there were photographic examples of bruising on social media. So life goes on until finally the boyfriend kills the child and buries his tiny body in the woods. Only then does the police department jump into action and launch an investigation. Um...it's a little late now don't ya think?

It makes me so sad that I keep having to read stories like this over and over and over again but nothing ever seems to change. The thing is, there are some really practical things we could do to protect children but no one ever wants to change the status quo because of "parent rights". Instead we just keep reading these stories of horrific abuse and terrible heartbreak and then go on about our day until the next story comes along. What about children's rights??? This is SO not the way things should be!

I've thought about it a lot and I think there are some pretty easy ways that we could improve childhood safety. Here are some examples.

1. Adequately staff DCF so that there are enough resources to follow up on all accusations of abuse and neglect. Yes I know that would cost taxpayer money but this is a subject definitely worth the investment
2. Change the laws so that a bio parent has a finite amount of time to get his/her act together. I say 18 months tops. Bouncing children back and forth for years on end only causes further trauma. Then by the time the state finally releases the child for adoption, the child is too old and very difficult to place. I am sure that's what happened in the case of poor young Steven in the Scary Mommy article and that's just sad. There are too many children out there like Steven.
3. Parental probation: When parents regain custody of their child(ren) the foster care system should require probation for the parents. The parents had to follow a service plan in order to regain custody so we need to make sure they are following it by staying away from people they need to be staying away from, remaining employed and drug free. There should be inspections of the home, employment checks and random drug tests. Someone convicted of stealing a candy bar from the grocery store will get probation but abusive and neglectful parents have no such requirements. That's just crazy.
4. Create a Big Brother/Big Sister program specifically for foster kids. These kids need someone stable and caring in their lives because everything and everyone else around them creates total chaos for their lives. This would also help DCF keep tabs on children who might be falling through the cracks now.

These are just a few of the way that we could do a better job of protecting and caring for at risk children in our country. It's an election year so how about we decide to hold our elected officials accountable for the children of our state? I know I am going to email this story to both Martha Coakley and Charlie Baker, who are the gubernatorial candidates for Massachusetts. What will you do???

Please Say a Prayer for a Child

There are very few times that I've asked someone to send a prayer. I'm just really not the praying type. I prefer to act than to pray but there have been a few instances where I've felt I needed the collective help of the community to solve a problem.

The first time I sent out a prayer request was when I was trying to become a mom and I asked friends and family to pray that an angel would bring me a little boy or girl to love...and believe it or not, just a few months later it happened, and very quickly at that. The Universe heard our prayers apparently.

Three years later I am sending a prayer request for my friend Mama B. She and her husband have been foster parents to "Mickey" since he was 10 months old. They wanted to adopt a baby and when they found out about Mickey, everyone was thrilled beyond belief. He wasn't free yet but at their disclosure meeting, they were told that Mickey was low legal risk and would be available for adoption soon.

Unfortunately, the courts didn't agree and have dragged out the process for over two years now. Bio mom wanted him back and it didn't matter that she was a homeless, drug-addicted prostitute who disappeared for months at a time. The courts decided to give her a chance. Again.

Then last year, bio dad appeared out of nowhere and decided he wanted custody of little Mickey too. Bio Dad was abusive to bio mom. He was also in prison awaiting trial for murder. Not a good guy.

A few months ago, Bio Dad escaped from prison and he's now on the run, living who knows where. My friends found this out when a local police officer knocked on their door and told them to be careful. Apparently Bio Dad had seen some paperwork at the DCF office he wasn't supposed to see and now had the names and address of my friends. They were told Bio Dad was armed and dangerous and could very well be on his way to their house. Of course they packed up their belongings and went to a hotel to be safe, at their own expense, I might add.

They have since gone home and there is no sign of Bio Dad thankfully. However now Bio Dad's Sister has appeared out of the woodwork saying she wants custody of Mickey! Of course Mickey has no idea who she is, as this woman has had no interest in him for the last two years. Also Bio Dad apparently used to store his illegal guns at his sister's house. She's clearly no law abiding citizen here.

The reason I'm asking for prayers now though is because Mickey's trial is next week. If the judge decides to, he will remove Mickey from the only home he's ever known, taken away from parents who love and adore him, to live with complete strangers, just like that.

My friends are scared they will lose the toddler they love with all their heart. We are all also scared for Mickey's safety. He would be leaving a warm, loving home to live in squalor with complete strangers who simply will not love him the way Mama B and her husband do. Mickey hasn't been traumatized by foster care yet but my friends won't be able to protect him any longer from the harsh realities of the world if the courts take him away. And this child so desperately deserves to be protected. He's only 2 years old!

By the way, while all this is going on, my friend Mama B's own father is dying of Cancer. She can't go visit him two states away though because she wants to spend as much time as she can with Mickey in case she loses him next week. The whole story is just too heartbreaking.

That said, I am hoping this story is worthy of a few prayers and all I ask is that you take a moment to pray for the safety of little Mickey and for a positive outcome to this difficult situation.

Thank you very much.

Why Gluten Free Works for Us

There's an article making the rounds of Facebook entitled "Science Proves Gluten Sensitivity Isn’t Real, People Are Just Whiners" that you can find Here if you're so inclined to read it.

As the mom of a kiddo who's on a gluten-free diet, articles like this tend to piss me off. Not because there is disagreement about the benefits of a gluten-free diet because I actually think healthy debate is a positive thing and I'm all for better education about what people choose to eat. And I get that some people are just jumping on the gluten-free bandwagon as yet another fad. If Jimmy Kimmel makes fun of you because you don't even know what gluten is and you're on a gluten-free diet, well, you might want to read up on your dietary options.

What bothers me is the headline has to mock people to make its point. Quite honestly, if the only way you can get your point across is by making fun of people, then you are immature and your argument has no credibility in my opinion. I don't argue with children.

I don't really care what some hipster, trying-to-be-too-cool, I-act-like-I-know-everything-but-I-still-live-at-home-with-my-parents "author" has to say about anything. They haven't lived any sort of real life yet and I don't see it as my responsibility to educate them.Whatever. Just go back to posting your ironic photos on Instagram of you and girlfriend at SXSW, stay out of my family's health choices and we'll all be fine.

For the grown ups out there though, let me tell you a little bit about what a gluten-free diet has meant to us. My son, because of his early childhood experience with trauma in foster care, has severe ADHD. He was put into foster care at the age of 2, bounced around NINE homes and finally landed with me at the age of 3. This was extremely traumatizing for my little guy and although he has a stable, loving home now, the damage has been done. His brain just didn't develop the way a "normal" child's would and he is extremely hyper, lacks impulse control and has trouble learning. We get care through the Developmental Medicine Center at Boston Children's Hospital and I also keep him on a strict routine, strict diet and make sure he gets enough sleep. It's a small sacrifice on my part to see a huge difference in his behaviors and that makes it all worthwhile.

My son's diet is both gluten free and artificial dye free and both help his behaviors tremendously. For the record, I don't think he has a reaction to gluten per se but more of a reaction to the wheat, which breaks down into a simple carb, spikes his blood sugar and makes him go crazy out of control.

So the issue really is wheat....not gluten. But no one really says let's have a wheat free diet. It's a gluten-free diet. It really is just a name though.

Of course, people might say that we've been eating wheat for thousands of years without issue so why are so many different people all the sudden saying that they're intolerant of gluten? The fact is, we've been eating wheat for thousands of years yes but we have only been eating "modern" wheat for a few decades. It's a fact that the modern wheat we eat today is not the same wheat we ate a generation ago. The Dwarf Wheat we have today is more compact and it is also processed differently so it's much less nutritious and jam-packed full of carbs. Through processing, we are now able to mechanically separate the nutritious components of the grain (the bran and germ) away from the endosperm, which is where most of the starchy carbs are contained. This change has led to an obvious reduction in nutrient density, contributes to rampant weight gain and gives refined wheat the ability to spike blood sugar very fast. That's where my son has his issues. Rapidly spiked blood sugar in a kid that has ADHD is never a good thing.

That being said, I will admit that recently I started to speculate whether my son was really affected by gluten or if it really was all just a myth. So a few months ago, I started to relax his diet because he was not gaining weight and he complained about missing bread. I felt like a guilty mommy denying my son something he loved so much. So I started letting him have peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast, which he LOVED.

Unfortunately, I did not LOVE his peanut butter sandwich breakfasts because all the behaviors came right back and he started acting completely out of control again. I couldn't get him dressed in the morning and we'd be late for camp or school. Every day was a constant battle and I was starting to feel overwhelmed.

It all came to a head one morning last week when I was worn out from a night of insomnia, stressed about the day of work ahead and the kiddo was running around the house, screaming and throwing his toys. He wouldn't put on his clothes, was downright mean and mocking to me and then on top of it all, ended up peeing in his pants. I lost it and started yelling, which made him cry and which made me feel terrible. This is not the kind of relationship I want to have with my child and it certainly would not work long term. Something had to change.

Since then, I've put Christopher back on his strict gluten-free diet and it has worked tremendously well for him. He still has a lot of energy in the morning and requires some redirection to get dressed but I am at least in control of the situation and that's a good thing. When I drop him off at school in a good mood, I can relax and feel good about our relationship and about my parenting. If it means he's not getting whatever he wants for breakfast, well that's just the price we have to pay for a good life.

Unlike Buzzworthy, NPR has news written by actual grown-ups and there's an article that says there is still a great deal to learn about gluten that science hasn't figured out yet. This is especially true regarding how diet affects kids with ADHD, Autism and learning disabilities. We definitely have a lot to learn. I would also like to recommend a book called Wheat Belly by Dr. William Davis. It's very enlightening.

For the record, my son ate Leapin' Lemurs GF cereal mixed with Corn Chex for breakfast an hour ago and right now he is quietly watching a video on the Kindle while I type this blog post up. I certainly cannot complain about that!

Welcome to First Grade!

Two weeks ago, my little man started first grade and thankfully he loves it.

The night before was a little rough because he doesn't handle new experiences all that well (I think we can all figure out why) so there were quite a few tears and wails of "I hate school....don't make me go!" And I had a heck of a time getting him to go to sleep that night. 

And that morning he clung to me like I was his last lifeline and when he had to line up with the rest of his class, he seriously looked petrified. Poor thing. So I of course worried about him all day and hoped he was okay.

Thankfully when I picked him up at 2:15, he came out with a big smile on his face. (Whew!) I asked him how his day was and he said, "I had an excellent day. I didn't punch a single kid."

I know that sounds funny but when Christopher gets overwhelmed or overstimulated, his ADHD takes off and he has been known to hit a kid at summer camp or in soccer on a few occasions. So he must have been pretty worried that he wasn't going to be able to control himself at school. Thankfully that wasn't an issue. School really is easier for us than summers are.

The great thing about school that is that it is ideally suited for kiddos like Christopher. The classrooms are low stimulation (except for recess), rule-based and highly structured. Christopher thrives in an environment like that. Plus it helped that he's already spent a year there, had friends already and also kept his skills fresh over the summer with a reading/math workbook. 

Since then, school has continued to go well and he has come home with a lot of "happy faces" on his school work. It took a week for the before school program and after school program to start so it's been a bit stressful for me, trying to juggle work and family but we can finally get our routine in place now, so that's good. Of course there are still these "teacher appreciation days" where there's no school so I have to figure out what to do with him on those days so I can work, which is annoying. Quite frankly, I'd appreciate my son's teacher more if she would just go to school and teach. But I digress.

The only bummer is that I found out that the school psychologist has left, which means Christopher no longer gets weekly therapy through the school. I remember when I met her last year I had told her that his previous therapists kept leaving and that it was stressful for him to keep getting attached to someone, only to see them leave. She told me that she had been at this school for 16 years and wasn't going anywhere so I could feel confident in knowing that he could build a long, solid relationship with her. Yeah, that didn't even last a year. 

Other than that though, I'd say all in all, a good start to the school year. Let's hope it continues on in that way.