Dear Governor Patrick....Hire ME as DCF Chief!!!

Dear Governor Patrick. Please hire me as the next Director of DCF. I would do a much better job and the kids would all make it out alive and safe. Better than what we have now, that's for sure.

A Little Background
Here in Massachusetts THREE children in nine months have now died in DCF care and finally...FINALLY our lawmakers have decided to fire the head of the Department of Children and Families.

Good LORD in the private sector, you can lose your job if your company doesn't make specific revenue projections but in child welfare three children have to die before the DCF chief will be fired. What is wrong with our state?

The worst case of course was little Jeremiah Oliver, whose little 5 year old body was found in a suitcase along the Mass Pike just a few weeks ago, allegedly beaten to death by his mother's boyfriend. In that case, the DCF worker was fired but the governor stood behind Olga Roche, the director of DCF.

Then two more babies died and in one case, it was because of a total attitude of "I don't give a $hit" and this has made the news as well. Little Aliana Lavigne died because the DCF worker in charge of faxes went on vacation and nobody was in charge of faxes when she wasn't there. Meanwhile, that week, a police officer filed a 51A (report of abuse or neglect) and the fax sat in the DCF office for a week until the worker came back from her sunny vacation, saw it sitting in her inbox and decided to do something about it. Unfortunately it was too late because the baby had already been killed. Sigh.

Now the governor has finally decided to fire Olga Roche but has replaced her with....someone from the Registry of Motor Vehicles? Seriously? Has anyone ever been to the Registry? Are they nice to you when you need to get your license renewed? Do you have to wait in a really long line? Is there bureaucracy? Come on. Seriously. How is it a good idea to hire a "hard working manager" from the Registry of Motor Vehicles to be in charge of ensuring the safety of our most vulnerable citizens??? Talk about a really bad decision. Come on!!!

Dear Governor Patrick. I would like to make a recommendation for the Director of DCF job: Hire me! Seriously...hire me! I come with a host of experience and I'm certainly a better candidate than someone that has just instituted a computer-based system at the Registry of Motor Vehicles.

Why You Should Hire ME
What makes me so special? Well let me tell you:
1. I will put the needs of the children first. Historically, DCF has been all about reunification, even if that was the worst thing for the child. Kids who've been abused both physically and sexually, should not be subjected to further abuse because that is what the parents want. Cut ties with those parents now and give those kids a chance. That's what I would advocate for as Director of DCF.

2. I have technology experience too. I am an experienced Project Manager and Business Analyst. I have implemented CRM systems and Sales Enablement technology at my firm. If DCF is hiring Erin Deveney as interim Chief of DCF based on her experience implementing technology at the Registry, then I would like the governor to know that my experience is even more robust.

3. I understand the issues. I am raising a son I adopted from DCF and I understand what it's like to be a foster child. If I were hired as the Director of DCF, I would work tirelessly to make sure every child gets out of foster care as soon as possible.

4. I would be pro-child's rights and get these kids into happy, stable homes as early as possible. Too many children bounce around the foster care system and then age out of foster care because they're too old to be adopted. Uh uh. Not on my watch. If I were Director of DCF I'd make sure that the state followed an 18-month mandate to get that child either safely reunified or adopted. No more bouncing back and forth.

5. I am pro-Education for birth families. Some birth parents just need to be taught how to be good parents because they did not have strong role models themselves. For that reason, I would require parenting classes of all parents with children in foster care. This is the only way many of these kids could have a successful reunification. Maybe the birth parents are good people underneath it all but just don't know how to be good parents. How about we give it a shot and try to teach them? It sure as heck can't hurt.

6. I have a marketing background and know how to handle the PR machine. Look, DCF has had some awful publicity lately. Some of it is obviously earned but some of it, not so much. With my marketing background I'd use the media to our benefit and do a MUCH better job of controlling the message.

Unlike so many of our legislators, I'd fight for the rights of our children, so how about it Governor Patrick? Are you going to hire me as Director of the Department of Children and Families? I will be awaiting your phone call soon.

For more information on the sad story of children dying in Mass DCF, feel free to click here.

The Flu and The New Job

Two weeks ago I started a new job. I work for the same company but for a different department now, with a new manager and on a new, high-profile project. It didn't come with any additional money or an upgraded title but it does come with a great opportunity to learn something new that I can (hopefully) parlay into more money and prestige once the project completes. So for now I bide my time.

My new manager is based out of our London office and she came to the US offices to meet with people and to spend time with me. She was in Boston for several days then went to NY and then came back to Boston for two days. We have a tight deadline to get a presentation done by Tuesday so we were planning to spend a lot of time together this past week to get things done.

So of course while she's here this week, Christopher comes down with a terrible case of the Flu. He was terribly sick and had a high fever that spiked to 103.5 degrees. Of course I had to stay home with him but that meant telling my new manager (who's only here for two days now) that I won't be seeing her those two days. She was not pleased.

I should also note that my new manager is unmarried with no children and she seems to live and breathe her job. She has lived in Boston, London, Luxembourg and Hong Kong for the company. She's definitely committed her life to her work and she's quite good at it.

This of course is the polar opposite of me. I'm a single mom raising a behaviorally-challenged former foster kid. I work hard during the day but in the evening and on the weekends, I'm focused on the kiddo. I'll work when I need to in the evenings and on weekends but I don't make a habit of it. I strive for work-life balance. Oh and I like sleep.

This work-life balance concept is at odds with the lifestyle the new manager has and I worry that I'm starting this new job off on the wrong foot because I needed to work from home two days this week. At the same time, I am not even sure I could put the types of hours into work that she does even if I wanted to do so.

For example, my new boss put in a full day in the Boston office on Wednesday, hopped on a red-eye back to London and then went straight to the office, putting in a full day (and then some) at her desk there. She also worked a full day on Friday and mentioned that she was planning to work all weekend too. Holy cow, that's a lot of work. And something I'd never ever be able to do...even if I wanted to.

I am ambitious and do want to move up the corporate ladder. I want more responsibility, more money and a VP title. And I feel like I've earned that. I work hard and am productive while I'm at the office. At the same time, I want to be able to have a life outside of the office too and don't want to have to sacrifice one aspect of life completely for the other. I want to be able to be relaxed with my child, not exhausted and stressed. I also want to have time with friends and hobbies. Is it possible to have both? Especially as a single mom raising a child with special needs?

Two years ago, I was putting in a lot of 12-hour days at work and was rather cranky and stressed when I was at home. Christopher took my mood to mean that I didn't love him anymore and was going to give him away, so he started acting out. I can't fault him for thinking this because obviously this very action happened to him several times before and he had reason to feel insecure. I did my best to reassure him but hated that my actions were contributing to his insecurity. Once that project was completed, I vowed not to let that sort of imbalance happen again. And I need to stick to that vow for the benefit of my family.

Regarding the two days I worked from home this week, the issues do seem to have blown over and as long as it doesn't happen again a lot, I should be okay. Thankfully I have built up goodwill at my company and found out that my now most previous manager spoke to the new boss and told her that I do work hard and that it's extremely rare for me to take time off for a sick child (which is actually true). And by the time I was back in the office, she did seem to be calmer about my need to work from home two days. Unfortunately she was already back in London so we didn't get our face time but it is what it is. Just bad timing.

Hopefully this was just a minor bump in the road and that I'll be able to move forward with my career smoothly after this. We'll see how it goes.

Watch "Removed": An Award Winning Short Film About a Foster Child

A friend posted to my Facebook page earlier this week a link to the award-winning movie "Removed"; the story of what it's like to be a foster child in America. It's only 12 minutes long so I do recommend if you have some time to watch this. The end literally made me cry. Tears and everything.

The story was very realistic. It showed the abuse that this little girl and her brother endured, which caused them to be removed from the mother's custody and placed into separate foster homes. You could see the sadness and confusion on this little girl's face and she was moved from home to home, carrying all her belongings in a garbage bag.  I'll never forget that Christopher's clothes were handed to me in three drawstring garbage bags so this is very true and accurate to real life.

The movie also shows the little girl's anger and the behavioral issues that emerge because she feels she has no control over her life. And it shows the lack of trust these children learn to have. Oh how I can relate to that! For the first year and a half I had him, Christopher didn't trust me and didn't trust his pre-school teachers. He had been taken away before so why get close to these people if they were only going to hurt him? He used to act out in defiance, just willing us to give up on him. The screaming tantrums, the "you're not my favorite mommy" comments, and just acting out, that happened all the time. It was exhausting. Truly exhausting.

The little girl had flashbacks from her old life which shows she probably should have a diagnosis of PTSD. She started screaming when she got a new dress from her foster mom that reminded her of the domestic violence she witnessed at her mom's home. This of course confused the foster mom as she had no idea what caused the outburst.

Christopher has a diagnosis of PTSD and would freak out over thunderstorms, smoke alarms and swimming over the drain at the YMCA pool. I was of course confused as well and his therapists would tell me that there are a lot of experiences this little boy had that I just don't know about. So when he would scream and cry like that over what seems silly to me, I would just comfort him and let him know he was safe.

The movie also showed the conflicted emotions that these children have over visits with their birth mom. In the movie you see the little girl refusing to interact with the mom during a visit. She's angry at her and for good reason. Mom failed to keep her safe.

Christopher's last visit with his birth mom resulted in a screaming tantrum when we got home and a punch in my eye. For a three year old, he has a remarkable strong right hook, let me tell you. He was angry though because his mother had told him out of spite that he was going to be given away again and that this wasn't his forever home. She was angry that she couldn't have her child so she wanted to hurt him, which of course is a big reason why she couldn't have her child. I mean seriously, who does that? That one comment messed with his head for months, by the way. It was probably the single worst thing she could have said to him at the time.

Like the little girl in this movie though, Christopher eventually began to heal and to trust. We still have our struggles and I still often have to remind Christopher that this is his forever home but at least now he believes me when I tell him.

I don't want to give away the end of the movie but I do want to say...it made me tear up. You need to see it for yourself.

To watch "ReMoved", please click here.

Dealing with the schools: Taking Precautions or Overreacting?

I said something to my son the other day about showing empathy to other kids. He didn't know what the word "empathy" meant (he's in Kindergarten) so I explained to him that "empathy" is like when a classmate is having a rough time and crying and if he went and hugged the classmate, that meant his was being "empathetic" towards his classmate.

Christopher's response was, "but mama, we're not allowed to hug people in school." I said, "you're not?" And he said, "yes no hugs." I have to admit I thought that was a little sad. And it got me thinking too.

I've heard a lot of stories in the news lately about how schools are creating rigid rules that are designed to keep kids safe but I wonder if they're just a little bit over the top? Here is a quick list of some of the things that I've heard are being banned in US public schools now:

• Dodge Ball (because kids could get hurt)
• Post game handshakes and Tag (because a fight could break out)
• Playing with balls during recess
• Sharing lunches (because some kid might have an allergic reaction)
• Hugging (because it could turn into inappropriate touching)
• Party Invitations (because a child's feelings might get hurt if they aren't invited)
• Homemade lunches (because the school believes it can provide healthier food choices)
• Milk (seriously?)

I tend to think some of this is over the top. I was allowed to hug my friends when I was little and I turned out okay. We also got to play dodge ball, four square, kick ball and all sorts of other sports with balls and to my knowledge, no one was ever seriously hurt playing outside during recess.

A friend posted an article on Facebook about a month ago, about a school in New Zealand that is going the opposite route with kids. They are letting kids go outside and have fun without a ton of rules and are finding that the kids are paying more attention in class and that bullying and vandalism are down in numbers.

Why? I think it's because kids are allowed to get their energy out (instead of sitting for long periods of time without break) and they are learning how to make mistakes in a safe, structured environment. When we act like helicopter parents (or in this case helicopter teachers and administrators) our kids don't have the opportunity to work through situations on their own. 

According to the article: "AUT professor of public health Grant Schofield, who worked on the team leading the study, said children develop their brain's frontal lobe when they are taking risks, which allows them to calculate consequences."

So basically what he is saying that when we coddle our children we aren't letting their brains develop correctly. That's a little scary to think about as a parent.

Someday our kids are going to grow up and they're going to have to make big decisions that will have consequences for themselves and for others. Isn't it better to teach kids to discern right from wrong now than to wait for them to be out in the great big world and have to say, now what? 

My own son is very impulsive. This comes from his years in foster care and I genuinely think because of all the trauma he experienced, that his brain didn't quite develop correctly. I will say that with lots of work on my part, as well as on the part of his teachers and of his therapy team, that he is doing much much better. I mean seriously much better. There was a time that I would worry about Christopher opening the front door and running out into the street. Now I don't worry about that at all because his brain development has definitely caught up with his age. He has not liked all the time outs he gets for making bad choices. But he's learning and that's what I want for my child. I do think that the schools are short-changing our kids a bit by enforcing so many rules. Kids will be kids...if we let them.

I Love Three Day Weekends

Happy Presidents Day everyone! Today is a three-day weekend for me and school vacation week for the kiddo. The downtime feels so nice.

It's funny how three-day weekends used to be times to plan short trips to visit friends and experience adventures within driveable locations. Now three-day weekends mean I can get everything done I need to get done without completely exhausting myself.

This past week was rough because we had not one but two snowstorms so in addition to my normal crazy schedule, I also had to add in longer commuting times and shoveling to my day.

For example, here was my last Thursday, when we got 4 inches of snow throughout the day:

• Woke up at 5:30am -- 15 minutes before the alarm
• Bundled up and took the dog out for a 15 minute walk
• Back at home got myself ready for work and the kiddo ready for school
• Drove the kiddo to school
• Commuted by train in the bitter cold into downtown Boston for work
• Put in a full day of work
• Commuted (slowly) back to our town
• Went grocery shopping
• Picked up the kiddo
• Came home and walked the dog
• Spent 45 minutes shoveling the driveway in the cold and dark
• Went back inside and made dinner
• Fed and bathed the kiddo
• Read books before bedtime then tucked the kiddo in 
• Bundled up one more time to take the dog out to do his thing
• Came home, put PJs on and climbed into bed
• Was asleep by 9:30

So yes you can see why this long weekend was so appreciated. I actually stayed in bed until 8am today! Sure the kiddo came in and tried to get me up at 6:45 and then again at 7:15 but I held firm and got that much needed rest regardless of his "pay attention to me" efforts.

Also, my house is actually clean enough where I'd feel comfortable letting an outsider come visit. It's not spotless by any means but I spent enough time sweeping, doing laundry, organizing and de-cluttering that I feel satisfied. For now at least.

I've already completed my grocery shopping for the week and make crock pot meals for lunch and dinner for the next several days. Even the dishes, pots and pans have been cleaned and the counter tops wiped so we're good to go there too.

And last but not least, the kiddo and I are having fun! On Saturday we went to a friend's house and played in the park, where we built a snow fort. 

Yesterday we went sledding. And today we will go ice skating on the Frog Pond. Fun times right?

So I am glad for the three-day weekend and I wish I could somehow manage working four days a week but unfortunately this mama has a mortgage and bills to pay. I think once it stops snowing every other day (literally) it will be easier to manage the routine. Apparently we're getting another storm tomorrow, which makes me kind of want to cry. But at least I will be well rested and it will be a shorter haul to next weekend. And the good news is that the weather's warming up to high 40s during the week and that will make life infinitely easier as well. Soooo looking forward to that!

School Rules: Keeping Kids Safe or Overreacting?

I had a rough Monday with the kiddo's school and it really got me thinking about the role that schools play in caring for our children vs what parents want for our children.

Early Monday morning, I got a call from Christopher's Kindergarten teacher. She told me that she noticed an scabbed-over injury on Christopher's wrist and she wanted to know what it was. An injury? I was confused. Don't all little boys get scrapes and scabs on them? I didn't know what it was off the top of my head. He'd been active all weekend, with a play date at Imajine That on Saturday and 90 minutes of soccer on Sunday. It really could have happened at any time. On top of that, really what business is it of hers to call me and ask why my highly active 6 year old son had a boo boo?

When I told her I wasn't sure what it was as it really could have come from anywhere, she tosses out, "well it looks like a cigarette burn to me and I'm going to take Christopher down to the nurse's office to have it assessed."

I'm sorry...what? A cigarette burn??? I very pointedly told her that there was no way Christopher had a cigarette burn on his wrist. And I certainly didn't appreciate the insinuation that I'm burning my child with cigarettes. She told me, "well I just have to be honest with you." And then she said she was off to the nurse's office to have Christopher's wrist examined.

I got off the phone and asked my manager sitting next to me, "did I just get accused of child abuse?" Not only am I wondering what the hell this injury is but now I have to worry that the school is launching an investigation into my parenting? Seriously?

I was pretty upset about this so I called the Principal. He said he would look into it. About half an hour later, he called me back and told me that the nurse deemed the injury to be a "scrape". I literally laughed out loud. A scrape? I am upset, wasting time out of my busy work day with back and forth with the school because my active 6 year old has a scrape on his wrist? This is how we best use our time?

I spoke with the teacher and the Para at the end of the day and was told that whenever a child has a visible injury (bump, bruise or scrape, etc.) that the teacher will call the parent to find out what it is and if she doesn't get the answers she needs from the parents, she will escalate by taking the child to the school nurse and the assistant principal to have the injury assessed. So yes, after I wasn't immediately forthcoming, my child's 1/4" scab was assessed by both the school nurse and the assistant principal.

Oh and when I spoke to the teacher she said, "we have noticed another injury...between his fingers." You know what that turned out to be? Magic marker! Seriously. They are investigating coloring injuries now. Talk about overreacting.

Okay so no one understands the importance of keeping kids safe more than I do. I became a mom to Christopher because his birth mom was not able to keep him safe. However, there are ways to handle this and there are ways to overreact. And the school, in my opinion, overreacted.

Do you really need to know what every scrape is? Really? I would suggest taking that sort of notification down a notch.

Also, perhaps treat the parent like a partner and not as a child abuser. A little kindness on the phone goes a long way: "hey Miss Ecker, I'm just calling to check on Christopher. He seems to have some sort of a scrape on his wrist and we like to follow up on things like that, if that's okay. Do you remember how he got hurt?" Leave out any mention of a cigarette burn if in fact you have no idea what it is. Especially if you haven't even seen the nurse yet. The teacher told me Christopher has a cigarette burn but the nurse said it was a scrape. Those are two very, very different things.

For the record, when I picked Christopher up, he remembered that he got the scrape when he was going down the slide on his belly at Imajine That. This is an indoor playspace near our house where we had a play date last weekend. He didn't tell me about it at the time because it didn't hurt. And he didn't want to stop having fun.

Christopher loves his Kindergarten Para and he feels comfortable in his class. He likes his friends and the structure of the classroom. So I'm not going to move him into another class. However, I will say that this experience was rough for me. I work very hard to give Christopher a good life and you know, a little positive reinforcement would be kind of nice. I don't ask for praise but I could sure live without unverified accusations, thank you very much.

Anyway, as I told the teacher on Monday afternoon, I'd like to put this behind us and move on. There are only a few more months in this school year and let's just get through it shall we? I'm not happy but I'm no going to keep being upset so I might as well just move on. I learned a little something about dealing with the schools this week though and I won't forget that, that's for sure.

How Do You Get a Picky Eater to Eat?

My son takes a stimulant medication for his ADHD and it has done wonders to control his focus and his behavioral issues. The downside of it though is that it suppresses appetite. He is also very sensory specific and that translates into being a "picky" eater. He doesn't like anything mushy, ingredients cannot touch each other and there is an entire range of tastes that he just does not like. So with all of that, I have a heck of a time getting the little guy to eat.

Christopher had a wellness check at the doctor's the other day and we learned that he's grown a few inches but has actually lost weight since his last visit. She was concerned about this, to say the least. I am as well.

Today I haven't even given him his meds yet in the hopes that I could get him to eat but I'm not having much luck here either. I even pulled out the blender and thought maybe I could make him some tasty yogurt smoothies that were chock full of protein and vitamins.

The first one I made had greek yogurt, a banana, dutch chocolate, peanut butter and milk. I blended and presented to the kiddo in a glass. He took one sip and said yuck. He didn't like that it smelled like peanut butter. So I drank it. I thought it was tasty actually.

He said he would drink it if I made it with fruit. So I made him a fruit smoothie with banana, greek yogurt. a frozen triple berry blend and protein powder. I thought it tasted great. Once again...yuck from him.

I asked him what he didn't like about it. All he said was that he didn't like the taste. Ugh.

So this time I really stripped it down. Now it's just milk, the triple berry blend and a very small amount of greek yogurt. And you know what? Finally. The kid likes it! Whew.

So it's not nearly as fattening as I would like it to be--the peanut butter or banana would have been a great addition--but maybe I can start with this and start sneaking in little bits of other stuff as he adjusts to the taste. I might try Almond Milk when he's not looking. A coworker suggested I add half and half but I'm not sure how that would taste with the fruit? Could taste like a fruity berry ice cream. Sounds good actually.