Thank Goodness for Angry Birds!

After living with me for two years, Christopher finally asked to sleep in his own bed for the first time. This is huge! He used to be so afraid of sleeping by himself -- he was afraid of monsters in the closet, the dark and the smoke alarm scares him too. He used to be afraid of thunderstorms but he actually got over that in the last year. So cross one fear off the list, thank you very much. But the fear of the dark, monsters and the smoke alarm persisted.

That's a symptom of PTSD by the way; irrational fears like the smoke detector and loud thunderstorms. His therapist tells me that I don't know what happened when he was in foster care; that he probably felt scared when there was a thunderstorm and didn't have anyone there to comfort him. He feels safe and protected in my house so no more fear of thunderstorms or smoke alarms. Yay!

I used to battle with him to sleep in his own bed because I thought it was important that he sleep on his own. I'd put him to bed and he'd jump out four or five times and run around the house. Sometimes he'd be up until 11pm and I'd wonder how he was going to function the next day. I wondered about myself too actually. I was very tired a good chunk of the time.

After the Marathon bombing, I gave up on fighting with him at bedtime because I just didn't have it in me anymore to battle with him. I decided it was doing more harm than good to make him sleep in his own room and maybe he just needed his mama near him in order to feel safe. I stopped the hard nosed stance and changed to a much softer approach.

I've been telling him that if he sleeps in his own bed overnight, that he would get to play Angry Birds on the Kindle in the morning. He loves Angry Birds. And he loves the Kindle. So every morning he would get out of my bed and ask to play Angry Birds on the Kindle and I would say no. This was a reward for when he slept in his own room. He'd cry but I held firm. Last night, he finally worked up the courage to sleep in his own room by himself and I held up my end of the bargain: he is playing Angry Birds on the Kindle right now. Win-win all around!



I never thought I would say this but...thank goodness for Angry Birds!

Looong Days

Christopher asleep under his Thomas the Tank Engine blanket

It's 7pm and my son is sound asleep on the sofa. He's fully dressed. He has not eaten dinner. We did not have baths or read books. He is exhausted and will probably sleep through the night. And I will let him.

This is the second time this week that he's fallen asleep super early. On Friday he fell asleep on the car ride home from the after-school program. That night he slept all the way until 5:30 the next morning. Nearly 12 straight hours. And here he is sleeping again.

We do have such a long day and I know it's a lot for a little kid. I have him in both the before-school program and the after school program, meaning I drop him off at school by 7:10am and pick him up at 5:30. 

I have considered hiring a nanny for the afternoons but the summer nanny took 2/3 of my paycheck and I am just starting to get my savings back on track again. Plus, she had a few issues (such as almost quitting on her second day) which wasn't her fault; she just hadn't been around kids like Christopher before. But the school has and they understand him and I trust that they are taking good care of him and that they can handle him. Lastly, if Christopher's nanny gets sick, I have to scramble at the last minute for back up childcare. I'm already having to take days off for school vacations and professional development days. I can't afford to take sick nanny days too. That's too much.

I experience mommy guilt every day I drop my little man off and he cries out to me as I leave. I feel guilt every day he tells me that it's too long a day and that he wants to come home. I wish I could stay home with him. I wish I had more family around to help out. I wish I could win the Powerball jackpot and not have to worry about money anymore. I wish, I wish, I wish. 

But the reality is, I need to pay bills, feed the family and keep a roof over our heads. So I work full time. It is what it is. People tell me that I shouldn't feel bad because he will adjust (and I will too!) and I know that it's still better than foster care so that comforts me actually.

So when is the next Powerball drawing? Anybody got some inside scoop on winning numbers???

Patience With Behaviors is Hard!

They say that "sorry" is the hardest word but for me, the hardest word sometimes is "patience".

In some way Christopher is a normal, high-energy, inquisitive little boy. Sometimes I forget he has a long trauma history and when I'm tired or frustrated ... or both, I lose my patience.

I know all parents yell and I don't get upset with myself for raising my voice when Christopher ignores my requests to pick up his toys. I hear parents at the YMCA yelling at their kids to listen all the time.

But there are times when Christopher's fears drive his behaviors but I don't realize it and then feel terrible when I yell at him.

For example, we've had a terrible time with going to bed. Christopher simply won't sleep in his own bed all night by himself. My social worker had told me that I needed to be firm about this so I would battle with him every night, bringing him back to his bedroom after he hops out, time after time after time.

One Monday night a few months ago, Christopher quietly got out of bed, went into the pantry, opened a container of sugar and proceeded to throw the sticky crystals all over his bedroom. I was in my own bed down the hall but heard the noise, went into his room, saw the mess and went ballistic.

I had no choice but to put Christopher into my bed while I cleaned the mess up, which of course is what he was trying to achieve (my kid is scary smart). When I was done cleaning (45 minutes later) though I was exhausted and furious. And he got an earful from me.

When I'd calmed down, I finally asked him why he did this. At first he just shrugged. But after I pressed him, he said that he was afraid he was going to be taken away again. I asked him why. After all, Christopher had been living with me for a year and a half and had been officially adopted. He knew this. So why was he still acting out?

Apparently Christopher had been thinking about his last foster home and how he thought they were going to be his forever family too. He loved his foster mom so much and was heartbroken when she gave him away. He was only there for six months but that was enough to create the bond and he's been hurting about that event ever since he came to live with me. Even two years later, the pain is still there.

Yes I felt terrible now. This poor kid is hurting and here I am getting upset with him. I was so glad he told me what was going on with him so that I could hug him and nurture him and make him feel safe and loved though.

For the record, I don't even bother with trying to put him to bed in his own room anymore. I just can't handle the battles anymore. I figure at some point he's going to feel secure enough to sleep on his own but until then I just let him stay with me. We'll make the transition to his own room when he feels ready I guess.