#Lovewins

This past week there was an absolutely legendary decision handed down by the Supreme Court of the United States, which stated that the right to marry is fundamental and guaranteed by the 14th amendment of the Constitution to all Americans, regardless of sexual orientation (Obergefell v. Hodges). As anyone not currently living under a rock, this is huge news! I'm so proud to be an America this week. I totally agree with the popular hashtag: #lovewins.

That said, I recognize that there are a lot of people who are disappointed or outraged even by the SCOTUS decision and are looking to make social change based on their Christian beliefs The photo above is from a rally on the Mall to gain support for a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Their point is that every child deserves a mother and a father and therefore, gay marriage should be made illegal.

The thing is...I believe that every child deserves a HOME and whether that parent is gay or straight is irrelevant, as long as he/she takes great care of the child/ren. When conservative states have laws restricting the rights of the LGBT community, it is not only members of that community that suffer but also many children in need of loving homes suffer as well. That is because there are any LGBT people who have made the choice to foster or foster adoption children in need and if states don't allow them to take this action, then these children will continue to needlessly suffer in foster care, even though great homes are available to take them in. When I was going through the homestudy process, I met a few gay couples interested in adopting and they were pretty cool. I hope they were successful in their adoption quest.

The thing is, people who say YOU can't foster or adopt because you're gay are apparently acting in this way because they want to protect children. But they should really be saying, you know what? I care so much about children that I am going to foster or adopt myself...but often times, they do not. They only pass judgment on others while the kids in need continue to suffer. There are 100,000 children in foster care waiting for a forever home and hundreds of thousands of children in need of temporary foster care. A religous group passing judgment means needy children go without care. Meanwhile in more liberal parts of the country there are many members of the LGBT community truly doing God's work and caring for children who deserve a forever home. God bless them.

That said, I would like to provide my heart-felt congratulations to the LGBT community on a truly monumental ruling and I hope that this is only the beginning of the conversation on how we can make #lovewin across cultures, across generations, across all demographics we have here.

Justin Harris Wouldn't Know Christian Values if They Hit Him in The Face

I will be the first to admit that I cannot quote scripture with any degree of reliability. But I will also say that because of a lot of time spent in church both growing up and as an adult, I have a pretty solid understanding of the Bible and the tenets that it promotes. As I understand it, as a Christian you are supposed to be kind, helpful, loving, supportive and to help take care of those who are unable to take care of themselves. Does that sound about right?

These Christian morals forged the foundation of my belief system and were one of the reasons I have always wanted to adopt from foster care. I wanted to give a home to a child who needed love and stability more than anyone. With my little guy here, I feel complete.

That's also why I find people like (R) State Rep. Justin Harris of Arkansas completely morally reprehensible. He and his wife Marsha claim to be Christians. They adopted two little girls from foster care but after six months found it all too hard to deal with, so gave the wee ones to a guy he had actually fired from his business because the guy was unreliable. Hey, I can't give you a severance because you're a terrible employee but here...take these innocent little girls instead. Seems logical, right? The girls were four and six years old and the guy ended up raping one of them. He plead guilty and sits in jail now, where I hope he rots for a very long time. If interested, you can read more about this sad tale here.



But wait, it gets better. Justin Harris held a press conference proclaiming that HE was the victim, not the little girl who got raped because of of his callous disregard for her safety. He said that he and his wife were forced to abandon the girls because they had severe behavioral issues and DCFS wouldn't help them. He said that the child's pediatrician told them to do this. This is all hard to believe. I call shenanigans on the Harrises "Christian values" for multiple reasons:

1. It doesn't happen a lot but adoptions do occasionally not work out and state social service agencies have protocols in place for taking back foster children whose adoptions failed, for whatever reason. He claims he was threatened by DCS but I don't buy that for a minute. FYI, good Christians don't lie to save their own hides.
2. The Harrises claim that they didn't know what they were getting into but the little girls' foster mom says they were told exactly what to expect and said that they had resources in place to help. This is what Cheryl Hart says: "i am the foster mom of the kids he discarded. We all tried to tell Marsha and Justin of the difficulties they would endure with the girls. They would not listen. They kept bragging about their degrees in early childhood development and their experience with children. Plus they insisted they had all the therapists on hand at their preschool to help with their problems. Plus they said God called them to do this and he would get them through anything. We tried to not send the girls there and Cecile Blucker pulled strings and blackmailed DHS workers. I would love to correspond with you about this tragic preventable catastrophe." That is a comment on this Change.org petition, which I have signed.
3. The Harrises continued to cash the subsidy given to them by the state even after they abandoned the girls. Um, fraud much?? I guess they forgot about that whole, "thou shalt not steal" Commandment when reading their Bible Cliff Notes.
4. Justin Harris is a state representative in Arkansas. One would think that he would use his power and stature as an elected official to unlock doors and change laws, granting more support to families like his own. However, there is absolutely no evidence that he did anything. Instead he introduced legislation that would allow daycare centers and pre-schools not be forced to have sprinkler systems (FYI, he and his wife own a "Christian" pre-school).
5. And most importantly, there is help available. Lots of it. For free. I know this because I've been there myself. Christopher came to me with some of the same history that these girls had and believe me, I get how difficult it is to raise kids with complex trauma history. I got called home from work one day because my son had threatened to kill his nanny that day. On multiple occasions, adults have had to intervene when Christopher started attacking other children with a stick. All this was very scary to me but you know what I didn't do? I didn't hand my child over to a pedophile. Instead I got him help. A lot of it. There was a point where he received therapeutic services three times a week and I also got him referred to the Boston Children's Hospital Developmental Medicine Center for even more intensive therapy. His behavioral pediatrician there specializes in foster and adoptive children with complex trauma histories and has been an incredible resource for us. The best thing of all is, these services are all free because foster children (in Massachusetts at least) get free healthcare until their 18th birthday. This is done to help incentivize an adoption because let's face it....healthcare is really expensive and these kids need a lot of it. But if you get the services, they really do work. Anyone who has ever met Christopher will tell you that he is a completely different child today, for the better. It doesn't happen overnight and requires hard work and patience. Too bad that the Harrises just couldn't be bothered.

I am so sorry for the two little girls that have had to repeatedly suffer at the hands of people who were supposed to be there and protect them. This story makes me both angry and sad. I can only hope that the media attention this story has generated helps save another child from potential harm. I posted this story to my Facebook page asking people to volunteer time and/or money to children's charities because we need more caring, loving people to ensure the safety of our nation's most at-risk children. I would also like to ask, dearest God, please watch over the foster children who need you and help to keep them safe from harm. Amen.

Practical Solutions for Saving Children

This week I read a couple of articles about children and foster care that really disturbed me:

Scary Mommy shared a story about the heartbreak a foster child feels, not understanding why no one will ever love him. It does not end well. Articles rarely make me cry but this one affected me for a few days.

Children's Rights posted an LA Times article about the effects of the latest recession on impoverished children. The statistics are incredibly depressing. Did you know that:

• Five children die every day from gun violence
• One child dies every seven hours from abuse or negect
• Child poverty is at its highest level in the last 20 years

I also learned about the death of 2-year-old Colton Turner. This was a little boy well known to Texas Child Protective Services. Several complaints of abuse had been lodged against the mother. Family and friends said the child was being abused by the boyfriend. There were photos posted to Facebook that were apparently very disturbing. CPS talked to the mother each time but said they didn't see any examples of abuse even though there were photographic examples of bruising on social media. So life goes on until finally the boyfriend kills the child and buries his tiny body in the woods. Only then does the police department jump into action and launch an investigation. Um...it's a little late now don't ya think?

It makes me so sad that I keep having to read stories like this over and over and over again but nothing ever seems to change. The thing is, there are some really practical things we could do to protect children but no one ever wants to change the status quo because of "parent rights". Instead we just keep reading these stories of horrific abuse and terrible heartbreak and then go on about our day until the next story comes along. What about children's rights??? This is SO not the way things should be!

I've thought about it a lot and I think there are some pretty easy ways that we could improve childhood safety. Here are some examples.

1. Adequately staff DCF so that there are enough resources to follow up on all accusations of abuse and neglect. Yes I know that would cost taxpayer money but this is a subject definitely worth the investment
2. Change the laws so that a bio parent has a finite amount of time to get his/her act together. I say 18 months tops. Bouncing children back and forth for years on end only causes further trauma. Then by the time the state finally releases the child for adoption, the child is too old and very difficult to place. I am sure that's what happened in the case of poor young Steven in the Scary Mommy article and that's just sad. There are too many children out there like Steven.
3. Parental probation: When parents regain custody of their child(ren) the foster care system should require probation for the parents. The parents had to follow a service plan in order to regain custody so we need to make sure they are following it by staying away from people they need to be staying away from, remaining employed and drug free. There should be inspections of the home, employment checks and random drug tests. Someone convicted of stealing a candy bar from the grocery store will get probation but abusive and neglectful parents have no such requirements. That's just crazy.
4. Create a Big Brother/Big Sister program specifically for foster kids. These kids need someone stable and caring in their lives because everything and everyone else around them creates total chaos for their lives. This would also help DCF keep tabs on children who might be falling through the cracks now.

These are just a few of the way that we could do a better job of protecting and caring for at risk children in our country. It's an election year so how about we decide to hold our elected officials accountable for the children of our state? I know I am going to email this story to both Martha Coakley and Charlie Baker, who are the gubernatorial candidates for Massachusetts. What will you do???

Hatred

Sigh....my heart is so heavy now. I've been reading so much, probably too much, about the illegal alien children that have wound up in our country. So many children trying to escape terrible lives, leaving everything they've ever known and trying to find safety and security here....only to face deep hatred from racist bigots who forget that they are the offspring of immigrants themselves.

My heart breaks for these children but it also makes me realize that I have to work harder to protect my own son from the harsh realities of the world in front of him. You see, my little guy is the son of an illegal alien and someone that these people would hate if given the chance.

My son isn't a nameless faceless number. He is a living, breathing, kind, loving, funny, smart child with real feelings. He loves soccer and Angry Birds and Mine Craft. He loves his family, his dog and his beloved bed pillow, which he carries around as his very own security blanket. He also has brown skin and a birth parent who's an illegal alien. It's amazing how many people would be willing to overlook all those amazing positive qualities and only focus on the color of his skin and his origins. But that is where we are in 2014 unfortunately.

I generally don't let racist bigotry and ignorance of complete strangers get to me. I have been lucky to mostly align myself with friends who are as a rule, very compassionate, thoughtful, supportive people. However the hatred and anger is just so profound and it's everywhere and so impossible to escape. Protesters are screaming at children, waving AK-47s and "fighting back against an invasion" of young children. Even Facebook friends are writing things like "ship them back" and "Mexicans are no good". It's all so overwhelming. If I can't look to my friends as beacons of light in this crazy world, then I don't know what to do anymore.

It's a little overwhelming for me. My biggest question is I guess, how do I ensure my child knows that he is special and wonderful and loved by the world in which we live? How do I ensure that he is not hurt, physically or emotionally by people who want to hate him just because of the color of his skin or the origins of his background? Lastly and most important, why can't people look beyond skin color and ethnicity in this day and age and see the wonderful person in front of them?

I would also like to know how my friends could see pictures of my little guy on Facebook and tell me he's so beautiful and he's so wonderful but then turn around and say horrible things about illegal alien children. Christopher is one of those children you are hating on! How do you not know this? And most importantly, how do you hate on children in the first place. They are children!!

I really question how we call ourselves a Christian country but yet lack so much compassion and empathy towards our children. I don't go to church much but I do remember pretty clearly that Jesus loved all his neighbors, not just the wealthy, white ones carrying guns. Black, white, brown, rich or poor...these are all God's children and it seems that has been forgotten by quite a few supposed church-going people.

Luckily my son is only six years old and pretty oblivious to all the hatred that exists in the world right now. But I do dread the day that someone shatters his innocence and makes him feel like he's not worthy because of his origins or the color of his skin. That truly scares me as a mother. I just want to protect him forever and I know someday I won't be able to do that.

In the meantime all I can do I guess is let him know that I love him and let him know that there are good, kind kindred spirits out there. They may not be the loudest voices but they are out there. And I also continue to hope and pray for a better world for all of us because really what else can I do.

Hobby Lobby Doesn't Care About Children

I know that the headline above sounds somewhat salacious but in reality, it's true. Hobby Lobby today did something that will put more children into harm's way...all so they could save a few bucks. Shame on you!

Hobby Lobby sued the Federal Government (and won) because it believed that forcing companies' insurance to cover birth control was anti-Christian. Putting the whole "separation of church and state" argument aside, the Christian thing would really be to help struggling families, not to pay them minimum wage and then deny them basic healthcare coverage.

Not to mention, this decision just puts more kids at risk; at risk of abuse, neglect, hunger and even death. People who can't afford or don't want children should not be having children and denying them birth control does that.

But Hobby Lobby is Christian and they love children. Really? Well let's just examine some statistics showing how much our Christian population really cares (or doesn't care) about the children in our country.

Today alone...

• Four children will die from abuse or neglect. Source
• 16 million children will go to bed without enough food in their bellies. 16 million! Source
• 397,000 children will suffer through the fear and insecurity of foster care Source
• The US ranks dead last among developed countries in providing paid parental maternity leave Source

Those are some seriously sobering statistics. You would think the conservative, Christian Hobby Lobby would be doing something to put a stop to abuse and neglect. But they are not.

That said, why aren't the Christians at Hobby Lobby helping feed the nearly 400,000 kids nationwide who don't have enough food? Because they really don't care.

Why aren't the the Christians at Hobby Lobby fostering children so they don't age out of the foster care system? Because they really don't care.

Why aren't the Christians at Hobby Lobby providing safe haven to children so they aren't hurt or killed by their parents? Because they really don't care.

Why aren't the Christians at Hobby Lobby paying their employees above minimum wage so they can afford to have children? Because they don't want to spend the money.

Why don't the Christians at Hobby Lobby provide paid parental maternity leave? Because they don't want to spend the money.

You get the gist.

Let's face it. Hobby Lobby doesn't really care about children. They care about money. It costs money to provide employees with affordable health insurance benefits and they want to cut costs wherever they can. What better way to do this than to say that they care about children and to rally the Christian cause behind them? Christians will jump on the band wagon and meanwhile the children of our country will suffer even more. Wonderful.

If they really believed in children over money, then they wouldn't allow their 401K plan to invest in contraception manufacturers. But they do.  

Letting children suffer abuse, neglect, pain and even death has got to be the least Christian thing I know of and yet that is what Hobby Lobby supports. If Hobby Lobby really was a Christian organization, they would be out there protecting children....not just thinking of ways to line their pockets with more money. Shameful.

Massachusetts DCF Endangers Children

In 2012, an independent assessment of the Massachusetts Department of Children and Families determined that our state was doing a terrible job of caring for at risk children: Here are some scary statistics:

• 2011, 40 children died while in state care
• 1 in 5 children experienced abuse or neglect while in state care
• More than 50 percent of children in care have been prescribed psychotropic drugs
• DCF workers fail to make 25% of their required monthly visits to families in care
• More than 18% of children reunited with parents were removed again due to new claims of abuse and neglect
• The number of foster placements for one child is extremely high, going as high as 20 placements for one child

Ultimately, Massachusetts is doing a worse job of caring for its at risk children than departments in 40 out of the 50 US states. 

This is not all. In 2010 the state was sued (Connor B. v. Patrick), alleging that children suffer four times higher abuse here in MA than they do in the rest of the country. In 2013 a federal judge found that MA DCF "failed not only to comport with national standards...but also to comply with its own internal policies." Judge Judy Brown actually asked of DCF, "Do you care?" 

So, armed with recommendations from the assessment and under pressure to comply with federal laws, what did the state do? Nothing. The result: Jeremiah Oliver is missing and presumed dead and who knows how many more children have been hurt.

Now of course,  the media is adding more pressure and it's an election year, so suddenly the solutions are coming in. Attorney General Martha Coakley, who is running for governor, wants to enact a Child Protection Agency within DCF to serve the children deemed most at risk. She has finally stated that children's needs have to come ahead of the needs of the abusive parents. This is from the Boston Herald:

“Right now, a child who is the victim of abuse or neglect may not have someone involved in his or her case who looks out only for the child’s safety,” Coakley said. “During my career, I have seen, day in and day out, how the current structure of DCF puts children at risk and overburdens social workers; the creation of an independent Child Protection Division will go a long way towards addressing these issues.”

Of course this is true but I now ask this of Martha Coakley: Why did you wait until Jeremiah Oliver was dead to come up with an actual solution? If you've known this was an issue throughout your career, why didn't you do something sooner? You're the state's Attorney General. You should have done something. Instead you did nothing and now a little boy is (probably) dead. Shame on you.

Meanwhile, as Martha Coakley devises solutions, the current governor pretends that our current problems are one-off experiences. Governor Deval Patrick, says the issue is not systemic however he's now willing to spend taxpayer money on an outside study to assess the current state of the Massachusetts Department of Children and Families. The cost for this assessment: $40,000. Did I mention that this study was already thoroughly accomplished by Children's Rights in 2012? Why do we need another one and why do we need to spend taxpayer dollars on it? Let's instead put that $40K someplace it will do some good. If money needs to come out of someone's pocket, let it come out of millionaire Deval Patrick's pockets.

All I can do is hope that the pressure that the media is putting on this case actually makes some positive change in Massachusetts because if left to our elected officials, clearly nothing happens. The only silver lining to any of this is that we might be able to make things better for kids in the future.

A Heartbreaking Story: Jeremiah Oliver

5 year old Jeremiah Oliver

Here in Massachusetts a heartbreaking story has dominated the headlines the last few weeks: the story of little Jeremiah Oliver, who has been missing since September and is feared dead.

The story is horrible all around. The mother lived with a boyfriend who was beating her and beating the children. The family was under the supervision of the Department of Children and Families but the social worker ignored her responsibilities and hadn't seen the children since last spring. The supervisors knew this and not only allowed this but...gave the social worker a promotion and a raise!

The social worker was so, so very negligent. She hadn't visited the children in the better part of a year. The little boy's teacher had also called the social worker to say that the mom told her that the boy had moved to Florida to live with the grandparents. But the social worker never followed up. The little boy was probably already dead by then but there were siblings and they kept getting abused for the rest of the year.

It wasn't until the sister told a counselor at her school in December that she was being beaten and that her brother was missing. Then finally the police got involved. The boyfriend and mom were arrested, the children put into foster care and a search went underway to locate the little boy. He is feared dead. And at this point his body will probably never be found.

It is so heartbreaking to think of what this little boy went through in the last few months of his life. No one even tried to keep this handsome little boy safe. Not the mother who stood by and watched while the children she loved were savagely beaten. Not DCF who really should have known better. Not the extended family who cried on camera to the media after the fact but did nothing when it could have actually made a difference. No one.

When Christopher was still a foster child, I had to have monthly visits with his social worker and she would not allow me to stop, no matter how difficult they were. She told me she had to see Christopher every single month, even if it was just for five minutes, to ensure he was being kept safe. In our case, it was tough because every time Christopher saw her, he thought she was coming to take him away so I'd have to suffer through terrible outbursts for days afterwards as he dealt with all the emotions. I understood though and thought well, if this helped to keep other kids safe then we'll just have to suck it up for now.

Christopher last week on vacation

Christopher looks so much like Jeremiah and all I could think while this was all happening was how this could have been him, if not for the grace of God. Christopher saw a picture of Jeremiah on the news when we were in a restaurant a few weeks ago and he even asked me if that was a picture of himself. I almost cried at the thought.

There are 40,000 children under the care of the Department of Children and Families here in Massachusetts. 30,000 are children receiving services, meaning that social workers are supposed to visit all those children on a monthly basis. We simply do not have enough social workers to manage those levels of responsible care and I wonder how many more children are falling through the cracks because the social worker caseloads are so overwhelming.

My friend who has a pre-adoptive child in the same Fitchburg DCF officed, asked her little guy's social worker about this case. He told her that the caseloads are truly overwhelming but that this didn't surprise him about this particular social worker. Lovely. So just how many social workers are out there like this particular social worker? That's the million dollar question.

I hope Governor Patrick decides to hire more social workers and make sure they are held accountable for their responsibilities. That's the only way cases like Jeremiah Oliver will never happen again. This system is broken and so poorly funded and it's the kids who end up suffering in the worst possible way. Rest in peace little Jeremiah. My heart breaks for you and all the other kids out there like you.

Children and the Mental Health Epidemic

Kids and Mental Health:

This week, there were two tragic stories in the news here in New England. A 24 year old Math teacher was killed by a 14 year old student in Danvers, MA and in another incident, a teenager from NH tried to kill his mother, after she withheld his ADHD medicine because she was concerned it was making him violent. (Sounds like she was right.)

I'm a member of an ADHD parents support group on Facebook and I have to say, after hearing stories like the above and seeing posts by other parents, I'm starting to be really afraid. I'm afraid that serious mental health issues in kids is on the rise yet resources and treatment options are not.

According to the Center for Disease Control, there are currently 5.2 million children diagnosed with ADHD. This number has risen dramatically. The number of parent-reported cases of ADHD increased 22% from 2003-2007, the last year for which I could find data.

That means that there is an increase of 22% of kids requiring medical care, additional school resources  and overall special care from caregivers who have not been trained to deal with the symptoms that these kids exhibit. Meanwhile, budgets are tighter than ever so schools are doing more with less and healthcare costs as always continue to skyrocket. Medical providers are overwhelmed, which I know about all too well. It took us eight months to get an appointment at Children's Hospital and literally, all they did was give us a prescription and ask me to check in again in three months. Seriously, I waited eight months for that?

Also, the best treatments for a child are often not covered by health insurance providers so kids are given medication that doesn't best address their issues. This means there could be serious side effects that as I mentioned above, could have serious results. My son is covered by MassHealth so I'm lucky in that respect. But other parents in the Facebook support group have private insurance and say that their prescriptions cost $150 a month and that's for Ritalin. They can't even get Metadate (my son's medication) because their insurance doesn't cover it. 

Last but not least is the lack of funding for mental health research on children. Kids brains are still developing until they are seven years old. Then of course they continue to grow and hormonal fluctuations kick in which could also affect their mental health. The current diagnosis for ADHD consists of two different people checking off boxes on a checklist (the Vanderbilt Diagnostic Parent Rating Scale). If those two different people pretty much say the same thing, then a diagnosis of ADHD is given.

Unfortunately the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder mimic the symptoms of ADHD so it's difficult to determine which illness the child has without a trial and error approach. This means that the doctor prescribes a stimulant to the child and if it works, the kid has ADHD. If it doesn't work, the child probably has something else. As you can imagine, the number of ADHD mis-diagnoses is really high. This could have tragic results.

Earlier this week I was reading posts on the Facebook ADHD page and there was a mom out of her mind, not knowing what to do because her 10-year-old daughter was threatening to kill herself. No one else on this page knew what to do for her but I finally chimed in and told this complete stranger to call her daughter's doctor's after hours emergency number immediately. Thank God she listened and now her daughter has been hospitalized. Holy cow, the last thing I want to read on Facebook is that some woman's child has killed herself but what if I hadn't said anything? What would she have done? I can imagine she's overwhelmed but this could have had a very tragic ending if I, a total stranger, didn't tell her what to do. I don't want that kind of responsibility!

A coworker told me this week that her sister in law has a son that's bipolar and that she has had a knife to her throat on more than one occasion because bipolar kids can be violent, thanks to medication and its terrible side effects. Another parent on the Facebook page wrote one day to say her son woke her and her husband up in the middle of the night, standing at the side of the bed with a knife hovering over her husband. WHAT THE HELL!

When kids are young, you are stronger than they are but what about when they get older and they become stronger than you? That's when you end up with the case of the woman from NH who was stabbed by her son. And that is when you end up with a case like Sandy Hook in Newtown, CT. Terrible, terrible.

I'm not kidding when I say I think our mental health epidemic is going to get worse before it gets better. Until we as a nation decide to spend more money on research and treatment of mental health disorders in children, we are going to have more news stories like the above. Considering I have a school age child, it pretty much scares the daylights out of me knowing so many of these tragedies are happening at school. 

So how do we make change? I really have no idea. I wish I did.

Good Luck Baby Veronica

Today the Oklahoma Supreme Court gave custody of 4-year-old “Baby Veronica” back to the Capobianco family. She had been living with them for two years while the birth father Dusten Brown fought to regain the parental rights he apparently accidentally signed away prior to deploying to active duty. Two years ago state courts gave him custody and Veronica has been living with him while the Capobiancos continued to fight. Today they finally won.

This poor little girl has now been ripped away from her bonded family twice in just four years. Hopefully she doesn’t end up suffering from PTSD and RAD like other kids shuffled around from home to home often do. My own adopted son has lived with me for two years and he still can’t sleep in his own bed and sometimes fears that I’m going to give him away. Our adoption has been finalized for a year but with PTSD he will sometimes get triggered right back to that scary place. Hopefully Veronica doesn’t suffer the same fate.

I gotta say, even though I’m an adoptive mama, I kind of have to say I side with Dusten Brown on this one. I know that paperwork was signed giving up his parental rights but he claims that he didn’t know what he was signing and that has got to stand for something. Okay, okay I know that sounds kind of suspect. But the guy was in the process of deploying to Iraq, his girlfriend was pregnant and yeah, the guy had a lot going on. 

Dusten Brown was serving our country in the most honorable way possible. Doesn’t he get a break?

I do wonder how Veronica is going to feel when she grows up and learns how the Capobiancos ripped her away from a family who loved her dearly. I don’t know how they’re going to explain that.

Meanwhile she has a daddy who fought for her and never gave up. That’s probably going to resonate with her. Especially if the Capobiancos keep the bio dad away from her, which I’m assuming they will just to create some family unity.

I also wonder why the Capobiancos wouldn't allow for an open adoption. That's very common in the foster adoption world and this little girl is clearly bonded with her bio family. It seems rather cold to shut them entirely out of her life. I hope that the Capobiancos let the family she has grown to love be a part of her life going forward. It would really be in her best interest.

The big take-away here is that our adoption laws clearly need some work. If two parties can fight for nearly four years to win parental rights for one little girl, then something needs fixing. There really should be some sort of a cap on this sort of thing so you don't keep disrupting this little girl's life.

Not to mention, the Capobiancos were fighting based on their lawyer's contention that Federal law does not recognize an unwed father as a biological parent. How is that possible. The guy needed to marry the mother before he could be deemed Veronica's father? That's nuts!

Anyway, good luck little Veronica. I hope you have a happy, healthy future ahead of you. 

Happy Birthday Baby Veronica!

Baby Veronica turns 4 today

The little girl at the heart of the Baby Veronica case turns four today. Happy birthday little girl!

As an adoptive foster mom, I pretty much across the board believe that kids should live with the person who will best take care of them. Frankly I think unfit parents have too many rights to get back their kids after they've been removed from their care, which causes those kids more harm than good. I could never be a foster parent. Never. God bless the people who can foster a child for any length of time and then give those kids back to the bio parents. Those people are truly needed and I admire them for their courage. But I chose the route of foster adoption for a reason. I wanted to be a permanent mom; not a temporary one.

The case of Baby Veronica is different though. This isn't a case where the child was removed from parental care by the state because of abuse or neglect. In this instance, the birth mother put her daughter up for adoption apparently unbeknownst to the father. The father claims he didn't know she was giving their daughter up for adoption. True, the facts are a bit murky here. The mother claims that she not only notified him but that he signed documents asserting both his knowledge and acceptance of the adoption. The father claims he thought he was signing custody papers for his daughter so she could obtain military benefits while he was deployed to Iraq as an active service member. I have no idea what the truth is here.

When the dad, Dusten Brown, found out that the mom had put Veronica up for adoption, he immediately went to court to regain parental rights. He was still deployed to Iraq and the little girl was 4 months old at the time. Since he's part Cherokee, Dusten Brown invoked the Indian Child Welfare Act of 1978 (ICWA) to gain custody of his daughter. It worked and at the age of 27 months, Veronica was handed over to a father she had never previously met.

Fast forward to today, Veronica's fourth birthday. The case continues to go back and forth through the courts; meanwhile the child continues to live with and bond with her biological dad, step-mom, half-siblings and extended family. As I understand it, the birth mom is entirely out of the scenario.

So now what? Does Veronica stay with her biological family or does she go back to the Capobiancos? The laws are murky and contradictory here: The Capobiancos live in South Carolina and Dusten Brown lives in Oklahoma so there isn't one single state law to follow. Meanwhile, because Dusten Brown is part Cherokee, the Federal government becomes party to the case due to the ICWA. One ruling overrides another and the roller coaster continues. These people must all be spending an absolute fortune on legal fees.

It's unfortunate that we have to try and legislate this child's custodianship because what we really should be doing at this point is simply acting in the child's best interest. Is it in her best interest to stay with Dusten Brown or would she have a better life if she were to go back to the Capobiancos?

I personally believe that it's best for Veronica to stay with the Brown family at this point. She has bonded with her family and it's a loving, stable home. Ripping a child from her family is very traumatizing and could, at worst, result in a case of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Do the Capobiancos really want to traumatize Veronica like that just so they could become parents?

Also, how do the Capobiancos plan to explain to Veronica why they took her away from her loving, biological family; family she looks like and acts like, to live half a country away with people she doesn't have any biological or cultural connection to? She doesn't look like the Capobiancos and like other adopted children, will feel like an outsider much of the time. Meanwhile, the bio family loves her, looks like her and shares the same culture. The Capobiancos could become absolute villains in the eyes of the child they claim they love. I cannot believe that this is what they want.

I feel for the Capobiancos. They really, really wanted to be parents and fell in love with Veronica the moment they met her. That's got to be heart wrenching. However, as parents, sometimes we have to do what's right for the children we love, no matter how difficult or painful that action is. Ripping Veronica away from her loving, stable family environment at this point would really do more harm than good. So in this case, I truly believe the Capobiancos should stop fighting for custody of Baby Veronica (who is actually no longer a baby) and move on with their lives.

One other note: there are over 100,000 foster kids awaiting a permanent home today. If the Capobiancos want to be parents as much as they say they want to do, why not pursue foster adoption and give a needy kid a loving, stable home? That would be the win-win here for all involved.

Reuters Investigates: Adopted Children Traded Online

I just read an incredibly disturbing 4-part series about "re-homing" or the practice of finding a new home for the adopted child you no longer want to or care to raise.

Did you know that you could go online and give away your kid like he or she is a pound puppy? It's true.

Reuters interviewed a few parents who actually allowed themselves to be photographed and interviewed for this story. Personally, I'd be hiding my face in shame if this were me but they felt justified in their actions. She was too hard to manage. Or, therapy was too expensive and inconvenient, or better yet, the state told me that if I gave her to foster care, I'd still have to financially support her. So they all found a complete stranger on the Internet to take their children. Yeah, that makes sense.

I do understand what it's like to raise a traumatized child. And as a foster parent, I know what I'm getting into. We foster parents receive tons of training, social worker support and background information on the children. Even armed with all that though, still between 10-25% of foster adoptions disrupt (according state records).

It's true that with an international adoption, people receive no training, no state services or support and very little information on the child's history. They are sometimes ill-equipped to handle a difficult kid with behavioral issues and they decide, hey this isn't what I signed up for.

But it's wrong to give your kid away to strangers on the Internet. I don't care what the reason.

What's even worse is that states are not doing anything about it. It's apparently completely legal to give your adopted children to a registered sex offender, as some people interviewed in the story did.

What? He was a pedophile? I didn't know!

Yeah you didn't know because you couldn't be bothered to check him out.

You know, I am far from being a perfect parent. But if something were ever to happen to me (God forbid) my son would go to live with a loving family member...not a stranger on the Internet. Just sayin'.

Want to read this insane story for yourself? Check it out here.