Watch "Removed": An Award Winning Short Film About a Foster Child

A friend posted to my Facebook page earlier this week a link to the award-winning movie "Removed"; the story of what it's like to be a foster child in America. It's only 12 minutes long so I do recommend if you have some time to watch this. The end literally made me cry. Tears and everything.

The story was very realistic. It showed the abuse that this little girl and her brother endured, which caused them to be removed from the mother's custody and placed into separate foster homes. You could see the sadness and confusion on this little girl's face and she was moved from home to home, carrying all her belongings in a garbage bag.  I'll never forget that Christopher's clothes were handed to me in three drawstring garbage bags so this is very true and accurate to real life.

The movie also shows the little girl's anger and the behavioral issues that emerge because she feels she has no control over her life. And it shows the lack of trust these children learn to have. Oh how I can relate to that! For the first year and a half I had him, Christopher didn't trust me and didn't trust his pre-school teachers. He had been taken away before so why get close to these people if they were only going to hurt him? He used to act out in defiance, just willing us to give up on him. The screaming tantrums, the "you're not my favorite mommy" comments, and just acting out, that happened all the time. It was exhausting. Truly exhausting.

The little girl had flashbacks from her old life which shows she probably should have a diagnosis of PTSD. She started screaming when she got a new dress from her foster mom that reminded her of the domestic violence she witnessed at her mom's home. This of course confused the foster mom as she had no idea what caused the outburst.

Christopher has a diagnosis of PTSD and would freak out over thunderstorms, smoke alarms and swimming over the drain at the YMCA pool. I was of course confused as well and his therapists would tell me that there are a lot of experiences this little boy had that I just don't know about. So when he would scream and cry like that over what seems silly to me, I would just comfort him and let him know he was safe.

The movie also showed the conflicted emotions that these children have over visits with their birth mom. In the movie you see the little girl refusing to interact with the mom during a visit. She's angry at her and for good reason. Mom failed to keep her safe.

Christopher's last visit with his birth mom resulted in a screaming tantrum when we got home and a punch in my eye. For a three year old, he has a remarkable strong right hook, let me tell you. He was angry though because his mother had told him out of spite that he was going to be given away again and that this wasn't his forever home. She was angry that she couldn't have her child so she wanted to hurt him, which of course is a big reason why she couldn't have her child. I mean seriously, who does that? That one comment messed with his head for months, by the way. It was probably the single worst thing she could have said to him at the time.

Like the little girl in this movie though, Christopher eventually began to heal and to trust. We still have our struggles and I still often have to remind Christopher that this is his forever home but at least now he believes me when I tell him.

I don't want to give away the end of the movie but I do want to say...it made me tear up. You need to see it for yourself.

To watch "ReMoved", please click here.

When Your Son Doesn't Believe This is his Forever Home

What do you do when your adopted son from foster care tells you that he doesn't believe this is his forever home?

Ever since Christopher's therapy services ended, the lack of consistency for him has caused him to doubt his stability here. Just this morning over breakfast, Christopher looked down and admitted, "I don't believe this is my forever home. I think you're going to send me back to foster care".

How freaking heartbreaking is it that my child believes this?

I tell him all the time...I mean ALL the time...that I love him and that this is his forever home. I ask him if he believes me though and he tells me no. I honestly don't know what else to do.

His teacher tells me he appears to be depressed at school. She said he often cries and that she and the two Paras will try to make him smile.

I also know that when I get upset with him, he thinks I'm going to give him away right then and there. I try to explain to him that sometimes little boys don't make good choices and that makes mommies upset. But as his momma I will always love him. He just doesn't believe me and that's what makes it so hard.

I do have Christopher signed up for new therapy services through the school so that will start soon. I think this will actually be a better fit for him and I'm highly optimistic for him. The therapist has been with the school for 16 years and told me that she's not going anywhere. This will provide Christopher with the consistency going forward that he desperately needs.

Also I think she's a little more seasoned than the previous ones I had (they were both in their 20) and I think understands how to really truly help. I think that the other therapists understood the issue but were more about solving for the immediate need than about long-term therapeutic care. When I would say Christopher struggles with believing that this is his forever home, I would get told that this is something that he'll have to work through his entire life because of his trauma history. Well, yeah...isn't that what we're in therapy for?

Also one last positive note for this therapist: She's in the school and right down the hall from Christopher's classroom. So she and the teacher will communicate (hopefully) and that information could be used to better provide the kiddo with the treatment he needs. Before the teacher was not speaking to the therapy team and everyone was operating in a vacuum. Better to have the team approach, me thinks.

So I'm happy and relieved to have new therapy services starting but how do I deal with Christopher's fear of being taken away again in the meantime? I try to be there for him. I hug him and cuddle with him and tell him that I love him. Sometimes it just doesn't seem to be enough for this little guy. Makes me sad.

What a Rough Week!

I am so glad this week is over and I'm sure my kiddo is glad too.

Christopher came home from school with notes every single day this week. Here is a roundup of our less than stellar week:

Monday: Threw pencils at kids across the room
Tuesday: Hitting, biting, pushing and spitting on kids in the after school program
Wednesday: I didn't even read the note
Thursday: Kicked a girl in the head in the after-school program
Friday: Crying in class; Jumped on friend because he wanted the book she had in her hands

Aaahhh the joys of an ADHD former-foster kid.

What happened this week? We had been doing so well the last few months and now it seems almost like we're back at square one again. I do have some theories:

1. Christopher's therapy is about to end and the therapy team told him on Monday that he was going to "graduate" next week. Christopher has lost two therapists before these two because they had left the practice to get new jobs. Each time Christopher transitioned away from the old therapist to a new therapist, he acted out in ways similar to the above. It makes sense that Tuesday was his worst day because that was the day after he was told he was losing Mary and Mike.
   
   I asked Christopher on Wednesday evening if losing Mike and Mary was upsetting him and he said yes. I also asked him if he thought he was going to be taken away again and he said yes to that as well. Ugh. So my child is acting out because he's afraid he's going to taken away and put into another stranger's foster home. What a heartbreaking thought. I can't imagine always being afraid that I was going to lose my home and my family but this is the reality for so many kids unfortunately. Thankfully that's not the reality for MY kid though and I reassured him that this was his forever home and that he was stuck with me.
   
   It's frustrating because clearly this kid needs some sort of help but what do you do when the services your child gets to help him with his trauma history is what is actually causing the problems? I can talk to the therapists but what can they do? They're "graduating" him next week. Then we're on our own. Not really what I need but it is what it is.
   
   I spoke with Christopher's teacher and she said he could see the therapist at the school if he has an IEP. We are scheduled for IEP testing later this month so hopefully he qualifies and can start receiving services through the school.
   
   
2. After being off school for two weeks, Christopher is way off of his routine. Christopher does not do well at all when he's off his routine. He may need some time to re-adjust to his long days at school and the after-school program again. Lots of kids. Lots of stimulation. And lots of being tired by the end of the day. All those factors can be rough on a kid with ADHD. Hopefully he adjusts next week.
   
   
3. I may have forgotten to give Christopher his ADHD medication on Tuesday. Oops on my part. I too am off my normal routine and with trying to remember so many different things in the morning, I think I forgot possibly one of the most important. After his tough day on Tuesday though, I will never let that mistake happen again.

We'll see if next week is better and I truly hope it is, or else I'll have to figure something out. We'll see. Wish us lots of luck. I think we may just need it.

Good Bye Nanny

Today is the last day with our nanny. Christopher starts Kindergarten next week and thus a new adventure, with new caregivers, begins.

Last night there were some tears. "I'm really going to miss Nora" Christopher told me between sniffles. My heart was so sad for him. They shared so many fun adventures and special moments this summer and I know that meant a lot to my little guy. It meant a lot to me too.

I loved hearing about Christopher playing with kids at the local sprinkler park or touching rays in the tank at the Aquarium or going hermit crab hunting at the beach. I also loved how Nora kept Christopher safe this summer and ensured that he was engaged and learning all through the summer. They read together and practiced counting all the way to 100, sometimes by 10s and Nora answered all his questions (because my kid is very inquisitive!)

Christopher has had a lot of loss in his life and he often handles stuff like this by acting out. He become very defiant and argumentative when his therapists each left their practices. That was so hard on him. But he's older now, more settled and definitely more verbal so he's doing much better this time around. There was no acting out...just a few tears and hugs. That's a huge improvement, I have to say.

Christopher seems very excited to start Kindergarten even though he's sad that he won't have his nanny anymore. And I'm excited to see the little man he's becoming as he grows up. And so as one adventure comes to an end, another begins.