Please Say a Prayer for a Child

There are very few times that I've asked someone to send a prayer. I'm just really not the praying type. I prefer to act than to pray but there have been a few instances where I've felt I needed the collective help of the community to solve a problem.

The first time I sent out a prayer request was when I was trying to become a mom and I asked friends and family to pray that an angel would bring me a little boy or girl to love...and believe it or not, just a few months later it happened, and very quickly at that. The Universe heard our prayers apparently.

Three years later I am sending a prayer request for my friend Mama B. She and her husband have been foster parents to "Mickey" since he was 10 months old. They wanted to adopt a baby and when they found out about Mickey, everyone was thrilled beyond belief. He wasn't free yet but at their disclosure meeting, they were told that Mickey was low legal risk and would be available for adoption soon.

Unfortunately, the courts didn't agree and have dragged out the process for over two years now. Bio mom wanted him back and it didn't matter that she was a homeless, drug-addicted prostitute who disappeared for months at a time. The courts decided to give her a chance. Again.

Then last year, bio dad appeared out of nowhere and decided he wanted custody of little Mickey too. Bio Dad was abusive to bio mom. He was also in prison awaiting trial for murder. Not a good guy.

A few months ago, Bio Dad escaped from prison and he's now on the run, living who knows where. My friends found this out when a local police officer knocked on their door and told them to be careful. Apparently Bio Dad had seen some paperwork at the DCF office he wasn't supposed to see and now had the names and address of my friends. They were told Bio Dad was armed and dangerous and could very well be on his way to their house. Of course they packed up their belongings and went to a hotel to be safe, at their own expense, I might add.

They have since gone home and there is no sign of Bio Dad thankfully. However now Bio Dad's Sister has appeared out of the woodwork saying she wants custody of Mickey! Of course Mickey has no idea who she is, as this woman has had no interest in him for the last two years. Also Bio Dad apparently used to store his illegal guns at his sister's house. She's clearly no law abiding citizen here.

The reason I'm asking for prayers now though is because Mickey's trial is next week. If the judge decides to, he will remove Mickey from the only home he's ever known, taken away from parents who love and adore him, to live with complete strangers, just like that.

My friends are scared they will lose the toddler they love with all their heart. We are all also scared for Mickey's safety. He would be leaving a warm, loving home to live in squalor with complete strangers who simply will not love him the way Mama B and her husband do. Mickey hasn't been traumatized by foster care yet but my friends won't be able to protect him any longer from the harsh realities of the world if the courts take him away. And this child so desperately deserves to be protected. He's only 2 years old!

By the way, while all this is going on, my friend Mama B's own father is dying of Cancer. She can't go visit him two states away though because she wants to spend as much time as she can with Mickey in case she loses him next week. The whole story is just too heartbreaking.

That said, I am hoping this story is worthy of a few prayers and all I ask is that you take a moment to pray for the safety of little Mickey and for a positive outcome to this difficult situation.

Thank you very much.

Dear Governor Patrick....Hire ME as DCF Chief!!!

Dear Governor Patrick. Please hire me as the next Director of DCF. I would do a much better job and the kids would all make it out alive and safe. Better than what we have now, that's for sure.

A Little Background
Here in Massachusetts THREE children in nine months have now died in DCF care and finally...FINALLY our lawmakers have decided to fire the head of the Department of Children and Families.

Good LORD in the private sector, you can lose your job if your company doesn't make specific revenue projections but in child welfare three children have to die before the DCF chief will be fired. What is wrong with our state?

The worst case of course was little Jeremiah Oliver, whose little 5 year old body was found in a suitcase along the Mass Pike just a few weeks ago, allegedly beaten to death by his mother's boyfriend. In that case, the DCF worker was fired but the governor stood behind Olga Roche, the director of DCF.

Then two more babies died and in one case, it was because of a total attitude of "I don't give a $hit" and this has made the news as well. Little Aliana Lavigne died because the DCF worker in charge of faxes went on vacation and nobody was in charge of faxes when she wasn't there. Meanwhile, that week, a police officer filed a 51A (report of abuse or neglect) and the fax sat in the DCF office for a week until the worker came back from her sunny vacation, saw it sitting in her inbox and decided to do something about it. Unfortunately it was too late because the baby had already been killed. Sigh.

Now the governor has finally decided to fire Olga Roche but has replaced her with....someone from the Registry of Motor Vehicles? Seriously? Has anyone ever been to the Registry? Are they nice to you when you need to get your license renewed? Do you have to wait in a really long line? Is there bureaucracy? Come on. Seriously. How is it a good idea to hire a "hard working manager" from the Registry of Motor Vehicles to be in charge of ensuring the safety of our most vulnerable citizens??? Talk about a really bad decision. Come on!!!

Dear Governor Patrick. I would like to make a recommendation for the Director of DCF job: Hire me! Seriously...hire me! I come with a host of experience and I'm certainly a better candidate than someone that has just instituted a computer-based system at the Registry of Motor Vehicles.

Why You Should Hire ME
What makes me so special? Well let me tell you:
1. I will put the needs of the children first. Historically, DCF has been all about reunification, even if that was the worst thing for the child. Kids who've been abused both physically and sexually, should not be subjected to further abuse because that is what the parents want. Cut ties with those parents now and give those kids a chance. That's what I would advocate for as Director of DCF.

2. I have technology experience too. I am an experienced Project Manager and Business Analyst. I have implemented CRM systems and Sales Enablement technology at my firm. If DCF is hiring Erin Deveney as interim Chief of DCF based on her experience implementing technology at the Registry, then I would like the governor to know that my experience is even more robust.

3. I understand the issues. I am raising a son I adopted from DCF and I understand what it's like to be a foster child. If I were hired as the Director of DCF, I would work tirelessly to make sure every child gets out of foster care as soon as possible.

4. I would be pro-child's rights and get these kids into happy, stable homes as early as possible. Too many children bounce around the foster care system and then age out of foster care because they're too old to be adopted. Uh uh. Not on my watch. If I were Director of DCF I'd make sure that the state followed an 18-month mandate to get that child either safely reunified or adopted. No more bouncing back and forth.

5. I am pro-Education for birth families. Some birth parents just need to be taught how to be good parents because they did not have strong role models themselves. For that reason, I would require parenting classes of all parents with children in foster care. This is the only way many of these kids could have a successful reunification. Maybe the birth parents are good people underneath it all but just don't know how to be good parents. How about we give it a shot and try to teach them? It sure as heck can't hurt.

6. I have a marketing background and know how to handle the PR machine. Look, DCF has had some awful publicity lately. Some of it is obviously earned but some of it, not so much. With my marketing background I'd use the media to our benefit and do a MUCH better job of controlling the message.

Unlike so many of our legislators, I'd fight for the rights of our children, so how about it Governor Patrick? Are you going to hire me as Director of the Department of Children and Families? I will be awaiting your phone call soon.

For more information on the sad story of children dying in Mass DCF, feel free to click here.

Massachusetts DCF Endangers Children

In 2012, an independent assessment of the Massachusetts Department of Children and Families determined that our state was doing a terrible job of caring for at risk children: Here are some scary statistics:

• 2011, 40 children died while in state care
• 1 in 5 children experienced abuse or neglect while in state care
• More than 50 percent of children in care have been prescribed psychotropic drugs
• DCF workers fail to make 25% of their required monthly visits to families in care
• More than 18% of children reunited with parents were removed again due to new claims of abuse and neglect
• The number of foster placements for one child is extremely high, going as high as 20 placements for one child

Ultimately, Massachusetts is doing a worse job of caring for its at risk children than departments in 40 out of the 50 US states. 

This is not all. In 2010 the state was sued (Connor B. v. Patrick), alleging that children suffer four times higher abuse here in MA than they do in the rest of the country. In 2013 a federal judge found that MA DCF "failed not only to comport with national standards...but also to comply with its own internal policies." Judge Judy Brown actually asked of DCF, "Do you care?" 

So, armed with recommendations from the assessment and under pressure to comply with federal laws, what did the state do? Nothing. The result: Jeremiah Oliver is missing and presumed dead and who knows how many more children have been hurt.

Now of course,  the media is adding more pressure and it's an election year, so suddenly the solutions are coming in. Attorney General Martha Coakley, who is running for governor, wants to enact a Child Protection Agency within DCF to serve the children deemed most at risk. She has finally stated that children's needs have to come ahead of the needs of the abusive parents. This is from the Boston Herald:

“Right now, a child who is the victim of abuse or neglect may not have someone involved in his or her case who looks out only for the child’s safety,” Coakley said. “During my career, I have seen, day in and day out, how the current structure of DCF puts children at risk and overburdens social workers; the creation of an independent Child Protection Division will go a long way towards addressing these issues.”

Of course this is true but I now ask this of Martha Coakley: Why did you wait until Jeremiah Oliver was dead to come up with an actual solution? If you've known this was an issue throughout your career, why didn't you do something sooner? You're the state's Attorney General. You should have done something. Instead you did nothing and now a little boy is (probably) dead. Shame on you.

Meanwhile, as Martha Coakley devises solutions, the current governor pretends that our current problems are one-off experiences. Governor Deval Patrick, says the issue is not systemic however he's now willing to spend taxpayer money on an outside study to assess the current state of the Massachusetts Department of Children and Families. The cost for this assessment: $40,000. Did I mention that this study was already thoroughly accomplished by Children's Rights in 2012? Why do we need another one and why do we need to spend taxpayer dollars on it? Let's instead put that $40K someplace it will do some good. If money needs to come out of someone's pocket, let it come out of millionaire Deval Patrick's pockets.

All I can do is hope that the pressure that the media is putting on this case actually makes some positive change in Massachusetts because if left to our elected officials, clearly nothing happens. The only silver lining to any of this is that we might be able to make things better for kids in the future.

Tis the Season for Giving

This week, my company, which is a very big supporter of giving back to the community, kicked off its firm-wide United Way pledge campaign. The Partners have made it fun to participate by initiating competitions by floor and offering daily drawing for prizes to people who've donated. So far, my floor is in the lead for the tricycle relay race time and all I can say is....the 9th floor rules. Woo hoo!

Representatives from the United Way also came into the story to share the sad tale of a young man growing up under the care of a crack-addicted mother, then bounced around the foster care system, finally landing with his ailing grandmother on a fixed income, failing at school and ultimately turning it all around to become a self-sustaining member of society, thanks to the United Way. Yay to the United Way. Here's my check.

I know I sound a little sarcastic there but as a former foster mom and now adoptive mom, the story really kind of pissed me off. Why? It pissed me off for a couple of reasons: The first is that the foster care system is just broken in so many ways. This child should have been removed from his mother's care when he was born and (most likely) tested for drugs right after birth. There are SO many people out there who want to adopt and this woman was clearly an unfit mother. Yet the state kept taking this child away for a period of time, then giving him back, only to have to take him away again. This reminds me of one of my favorite sayings: Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Under this definition, our state child protection agency is acting totally insane. Scary thought, right?

There are so many people who would be thrilled to adopt a baby from foster care and who would give that child a safe, happy, healthy home. Why does the state continuously give kids back to parents who cannot for whatever reason care for them? We really need to set the bar higher here.

The United Way presentation also bothered me because they were asking me for money for stuff that should already be paid for by my tax dollars. I'm all for donating to kids in need but not if I'm going to be throwing my money away into some dark black hole.

For example, the United Way wants to raise funds for this accomplished young man to go to college, so they came to my firm and asked us all to donate towards that goal. That sounds admirable unless you know that this young man, who has spent time in the MA foster care system, can already go to any MA state university or college free of charge. Here in Massachusetts the program is called: The DCF Foster Child Tuition Waiver and Fee Assistance Program. Many other states offer similar programs and many colleges will provide scholarships to foster kids. There is also Federal funding available. So basically this kid could go to Harvard free of charge, if he so chooses. Why am I giving money to the United Way then?

Also the United Way's story talked about how this young man didn't have enough food because his grandmother was on a fixed income and she couldn't afford to feed him. And that would be why he had to drop out of school...so he could get a job that allowed him to eat. Once again, here in MA there are programs available to this young man through our tax dollars so why are we double paying through donations to the United Way. This grandmother should be getting a daily stipend from the state if she's legally caring for her grandson. Also, she could apply for food stamps and free housing. It won't be glamorous housing but it will be a roof over their heads and they will be warm and dry. Lastly, the city of Boston has recently started offering free lunches to all kids attending public school so all grandma has to do is feed her son breakfast and dinner. Lunch is paid for courtesy of our tax dollars. That's on top of the aid grandma already qualifies for as a legal foster care guardian.

One of the reasons I love living in Massachusetts is because there are so many services available to foster parents and to adoptive foster parents. I get free MassHealth for my son and I will now re-apply for my stipend again because we have a medical diagnosis and I will most likely qualify for state funding because of it. Through MassHealth I can get Christopher weekly therapy, a therapeutic mentor, care at one of the nation's top children's hospitals for his ADHD (Boston Children's Hospital), medication and dental care. I just took Christopher to the dentist, got four cavities filled, all for free. It was great. (Well great for me. Christopher screamed at the top of his lungs the entire time.) With rising health insurance costs, this all comes in very handy and allows me to get my kiddo the help he needs to heal from his history of trauma.

Bah Humbug?

Just so you know, I'm not all bah humbug about donating to charity. If the United Way can funnel my donations to an agency of my choosing, I'm happy to donate. If not I will just find a charity on my own because I know there is LOTS of need out there. The people of the Philippines for example are in dire need after a hurricane came through and decimated much of the country. I just want to make sure that my donations are going to a cause that will truly help those in need, as opposed to just throwing money at people that just need to make a little bit of effort to help themselves. I'm all for a hand UP...not a hand OUT.

So I guess what I'm saying is, this holiday season, it's important to remember those around you who are in need. Be thankful for what you have and donate freely. But first, make sure to perform your due diligence and make sure the agency receiving your money is worthy of the funds. I don't know about you but I don't have a ton of money and I want to make sure that the money I donate really is going towards a good cause

A great place to check out how well your charities measure in giving the money you donate to those who could actually benefit from it is The Better Business Bureau.

A Fun Day With Others Like Us

Yesterday I took my son to an outdoor event sponsored by the Department of Children and Families (DCF). The party was held in a nearby park and was a celebration for kids in foster care and for their families (both actively foster and adoptive). It was totally fun for my kiddo because it had everything this 5 year old little boy loves: a bouncy house, lots of kids his age to play with and fun arts and crafts. It was also fun for me because the people there were all like us: foster/adoptive kids with  trauma histories and the families that support them. I felt like I had found my tribe!

Another reason I could relax was in case Christopher acted out I wouldn't be dealing with it all on my own for once. I knew if anything happened, that there were licensed social workers on hand who were trained to deal with kids with trauma histories. And lastly, for one day I also felt like no one was judging my parenting without really knowing what was going on. If Christopher acted out yesterday, it would have been better understood and dealt with as opposed to someone just coming at me to tell me what I'm doing wrong as a parent.

It's surprising how often people just judge my parenting without understanding what we're dealing with on a daily basis. From the family members who've raised kids and are therefore parenting experts to complete strangers at the playground, everyone has an opinion and feels way too comfortable sharing it with me. It can be so exhausting for me to deal with Christopher's behaviors and then have to battle with people who feel compelled to inject themselves into the situation.

I remember when I took Christopher to the 4th of July Parade. I thought that he would really enjoy the festivities but wow, was I wrong! I put him in a stroller and stood at the end of the parade route, ready to cheer on the floats, clowns and military personnel as they walked by. Unfortunately he hated it and started to act out instead. The parade was too loud and too overwhelming for my sensitive little guy and instead of loving the event, he started screaming and crying. Not knowing what to do (I'd only been parenting a few months at this point) I took him a few feet away and tried to calm him down. That didn't work and he continued to cry and scream.

In the midst of all this, a know-it-all woman comes over and starts yelling at ME. What are you doing??? You're traumatizing that kid! Why don't you LEAVE?? Apparently because she's a grandmother (or so she yells) of course she knows all and felt like she had the right to force her extremely strong parenting opinions upon me all while I'm actively trying to calm down my kid.

I'm so frazzled with the screaming kid and with the screaming woman that I don't know what to do. What I should have done is tell the woman to shut up and mind her own business and to leave us alone but instead I just skulked away, embarrassed and upset. An entire year later, this experience still haunts me.

I can name episode after episode where someone has made me feel bad because my kid wasn't acting "right" in their opinion. And I can name countless times I've been forced to listen to advice that I know is not right for my situation. But being a single mom with no one to back me up, I've often felt overwhelmed by my child's actions and just couldn't deal with fighting another person as well. So I end up sitting there and getting reprimanded, like I'm a petulant child myself. I'm angry and upset and feeling so very much alone as this all goes on. These scenarios really suck.

When I was at the event yesterday, someone gave me some great advice on how to deal with situations like this. Literally, just shut the person down and don't allow them to engage. "Thank you but this is none of your business," would have been the appropriate response to the rude woman yelling at me at the parade. Other situations call for, a simple thank you for your advice. As a first time foster mother, I'm learning as I go along. If you have any experience with children with trauma history, I'd love to hear that.". And then stop them there. Do not let them go on and on with their supposed expert advice that only makes things worse. Because in the end, they really don't understand kids with trauma histories and their opinions don't help.

But that's why yesterday was so nice. Everyone there could relate to what I was going through and so for once I didn't feel all alone. No one was judging me and telling me what I'm doing wrong. Instead they were thanking me for all my hard work and actually appreciating all my efforts. And for once I could let my guard down and just have a good time. And so I did and you know what? It was a pretty awesome day.