Watch "Removed": An Award Winning Short Film About a Foster Child

A friend posted to my Facebook page earlier this week a link to the award-winning movie "Removed"; the story of what it's like to be a foster child in America. It's only 12 minutes long so I do recommend if you have some time to watch this. The end literally made me cry. Tears and everything.

The story was very realistic. It showed the abuse that this little girl and her brother endured, which caused them to be removed from the mother's custody and placed into separate foster homes. You could see the sadness and confusion on this little girl's face and she was moved from home to home, carrying all her belongings in a garbage bag.  I'll never forget that Christopher's clothes were handed to me in three drawstring garbage bags so this is very true and accurate to real life.

The movie also shows the little girl's anger and the behavioral issues that emerge because she feels she has no control over her life. And it shows the lack of trust these children learn to have. Oh how I can relate to that! For the first year and a half I had him, Christopher didn't trust me and didn't trust his pre-school teachers. He had been taken away before so why get close to these people if they were only going to hurt him? He used to act out in defiance, just willing us to give up on him. The screaming tantrums, the "you're not my favorite mommy" comments, and just acting out, that happened all the time. It was exhausting. Truly exhausting.

The little girl had flashbacks from her old life which shows she probably should have a diagnosis of PTSD. She started screaming when she got a new dress from her foster mom that reminded her of the domestic violence she witnessed at her mom's home. This of course confused the foster mom as she had no idea what caused the outburst.

Christopher has a diagnosis of PTSD and would freak out over thunderstorms, smoke alarms and swimming over the drain at the YMCA pool. I was of course confused as well and his therapists would tell me that there are a lot of experiences this little boy had that I just don't know about. So when he would scream and cry like that over what seems silly to me, I would just comfort him and let him know he was safe.

The movie also showed the conflicted emotions that these children have over visits with their birth mom. In the movie you see the little girl refusing to interact with the mom during a visit. She's angry at her and for good reason. Mom failed to keep her safe.

Christopher's last visit with his birth mom resulted in a screaming tantrum when we got home and a punch in my eye. For a three year old, he has a remarkable strong right hook, let me tell you. He was angry though because his mother had told him out of spite that he was going to be given away again and that this wasn't his forever home. She was angry that she couldn't have her child so she wanted to hurt him, which of course is a big reason why she couldn't have her child. I mean seriously, who does that? That one comment messed with his head for months, by the way. It was probably the single worst thing she could have said to him at the time.

Like the little girl in this movie though, Christopher eventually began to heal and to trust. We still have our struggles and I still often have to remind Christopher that this is his forever home but at least now he believes me when I tell him.

I don't want to give away the end of the movie but I do want to say...it made me tear up. You need to see it for yourself.

To watch "ReMoved", please click here.

Good Luck Baby Veronica

Today the Oklahoma Supreme Court gave custody of 4-year-old “Baby Veronica” back to the Capobianco family. She had been living with them for two years while the birth father Dusten Brown fought to regain the parental rights he apparently accidentally signed away prior to deploying to active duty. Two years ago state courts gave him custody and Veronica has been living with him while the Capobiancos continued to fight. Today they finally won.

This poor little girl has now been ripped away from her bonded family twice in just four years. Hopefully she doesn’t end up suffering from PTSD and RAD like other kids shuffled around from home to home often do. My own adopted son has lived with me for two years and he still can’t sleep in his own bed and sometimes fears that I’m going to give him away. Our adoption has been finalized for a year but with PTSD he will sometimes get triggered right back to that scary place. Hopefully Veronica doesn’t suffer the same fate.

I gotta say, even though I’m an adoptive mama, I kind of have to say I side with Dusten Brown on this one. I know that paperwork was signed giving up his parental rights but he claims that he didn’t know what he was signing and that has got to stand for something. Okay, okay I know that sounds kind of suspect. But the guy was in the process of deploying to Iraq, his girlfriend was pregnant and yeah, the guy had a lot going on. 

Dusten Brown was serving our country in the most honorable way possible. Doesn’t he get a break?

I do wonder how Veronica is going to feel when she grows up and learns how the Capobiancos ripped her away from a family who loved her dearly. I don’t know how they’re going to explain that.

Meanwhile she has a daddy who fought for her and never gave up. That’s probably going to resonate with her. Especially if the Capobiancos keep the bio dad away from her, which I’m assuming they will just to create some family unity.

I also wonder why the Capobiancos wouldn't allow for an open adoption. That's very common in the foster adoption world and this little girl is clearly bonded with her bio family. It seems rather cold to shut them entirely out of her life. I hope that the Capobiancos let the family she has grown to love be a part of her life going forward. It would really be in her best interest.

The big take-away here is that our adoption laws clearly need some work. If two parties can fight for nearly four years to win parental rights for one little girl, then something needs fixing. There really should be some sort of a cap on this sort of thing so you don't keep disrupting this little girl's life.

Not to mention, the Capobiancos were fighting based on their lawyer's contention that Federal law does not recognize an unwed father as a biological parent. How is that possible. The guy needed to marry the mother before he could be deemed Veronica's father? That's nuts!

Anyway, good luck little Veronica. I hope you have a happy, healthy future ahead of you. 

Patience With Behaviors is Hard!

They say that "sorry" is the hardest word but for me, the hardest word sometimes is "patience".

In some way Christopher is a normal, high-energy, inquisitive little boy. Sometimes I forget he has a long trauma history and when I'm tired or frustrated ... or both, I lose my patience.

I know all parents yell and I don't get upset with myself for raising my voice when Christopher ignores my requests to pick up his toys. I hear parents at the YMCA yelling at their kids to listen all the time.

But there are times when Christopher's fears drive his behaviors but I don't realize it and then feel terrible when I yell at him.

For example, we've had a terrible time with going to bed. Christopher simply won't sleep in his own bed all night by himself. My social worker had told me that I needed to be firm about this so I would battle with him every night, bringing him back to his bedroom after he hops out, time after time after time.

One Monday night a few months ago, Christopher quietly got out of bed, went into the pantry, opened a container of sugar and proceeded to throw the sticky crystals all over his bedroom. I was in my own bed down the hall but heard the noise, went into his room, saw the mess and went ballistic.

I had no choice but to put Christopher into my bed while I cleaned the mess up, which of course is what he was trying to achieve (my kid is scary smart). When I was done cleaning (45 minutes later) though I was exhausted and furious. And he got an earful from me.

When I'd calmed down, I finally asked him why he did this. At first he just shrugged. But after I pressed him, he said that he was afraid he was going to be taken away again. I asked him why. After all, Christopher had been living with me for a year and a half and had been officially adopted. He knew this. So why was he still acting out?

Apparently Christopher had been thinking about his last foster home and how he thought they were going to be his forever family too. He loved his foster mom so much and was heartbroken when she gave him away. He was only there for six months but that was enough to create the bond and he's been hurting about that event ever since he came to live with me. Even two years later, the pain is still there.

Yes I felt terrible now. This poor kid is hurting and here I am getting upset with him. I was so glad he told me what was going on with him so that I could hug him and nurture him and make him feel safe and loved though.

For the record, I don't even bother with trying to put him to bed in his own room anymore. I just can't handle the battles anymore. I figure at some point he's going to feel secure enough to sleep on his own but until then I just let him stay with me. We'll make the transition to his own room when he feels ready I guess.