No Poop For You!

My son does not handle change very well. No matter how minor the change seems to us, anything that deviates from the normal routine sends my son into a tailspin.

With spring here, the days are longer and my son has an extra abundance of energy because of it. Additionally, his first grade teacher left about a month ago to go on maternity leave, after giving birth to a set of twin girls. At first Christopher's class had different substitute teachers but now thankfully they have settled on one teacher for the rest of the year.

That's a lot of change and Christopher has responded by refusing to go to the bathroom. At first, this resulted in poop accidents in his pants. That happened several times out of the blue. Now, however, he has gotten better at holding it in so now he becomes horribly constipated as a result.

When he does go, the stools are huge and rock hard. Imagine a golf ball passing through a 7-year-old's colon and rectum and you can imagine the screaming, crying and bleeding that has been going on in our house of late.

Last week, I took the kiddo to see his pediatrician and the doctor prescribed a tablespoon of Miralax once a day, in order to soften the stool and make it easier to pass. Several days later and with no noticeable change, I upped the dosage to two tablespoons (with the blessings of his doctor of course). Yesterday, even after two tablespoons, Christopher still hadn't gone in two days and was screaming, crying and in pain. At this point I gave him a kiddie laxative, feeling somewhat desperate.

This worked and he pooped twice. In his pants of course because he's still too afraid to sit on the toilet. And it was still rock hard although definitely smaller in size and no blood this time. Yay for small miracles I guess.

I think I'm going to have to resort to daily laxatives and then 30 minutes later make him sit on the toilet to get the poop out of him. I feel a little like I'm potty training again but like I said, change does not happen well in our house and this is clearly regressive behavior based on change.

Let's hope that this issue clears up sooner rather than later because I'm already doing my second load of laundry today because of it.

Justin Harris Wouldn't Know Christian Values if They Hit Him in The Face

I will be the first to admit that I cannot quote scripture with any degree of reliability. But I will also say that because of a lot of time spent in church both growing up and as an adult, I have a pretty solid understanding of the Bible and the tenets that it promotes. As I understand it, as a Christian you are supposed to be kind, helpful, loving, supportive and to help take care of those who are unable to take care of themselves. Does that sound about right?

These Christian morals forged the foundation of my belief system and were one of the reasons I have always wanted to adopt from foster care. I wanted to give a home to a child who needed love and stability more than anyone. With my little guy here, I feel complete.

That's also why I find people like (R) State Rep. Justin Harris of Arkansas completely morally reprehensible. He and his wife Marsha claim to be Christians. They adopted two little girls from foster care but after six months found it all too hard to deal with, so gave the wee ones to a guy he had actually fired from his business because the guy was unreliable. Hey, I can't give you a severance because you're a terrible employee but here...take these innocent little girls instead. Seems logical, right? The girls were four and six years old and the guy ended up raping one of them. He plead guilty and sits in jail now, where I hope he rots for a very long time. If interested, you can read more about this sad tale here.



But wait, it gets better. Justin Harris held a press conference proclaiming that HE was the victim, not the little girl who got raped because of of his callous disregard for her safety. He said that he and his wife were forced to abandon the girls because they had severe behavioral issues and DCFS wouldn't help them. He said that the child's pediatrician told them to do this. This is all hard to believe. I call shenanigans on the Harrises "Christian values" for multiple reasons:

1. It doesn't happen a lot but adoptions do occasionally not work out and state social service agencies have protocols in place for taking back foster children whose adoptions failed, for whatever reason. He claims he was threatened by DCS but I don't buy that for a minute. FYI, good Christians don't lie to save their own hides.
2. The Harrises claim that they didn't know what they were getting into but the little girls' foster mom says they were told exactly what to expect and said that they had resources in place to help. This is what Cheryl Hart says: "i am the foster mom of the kids he discarded. We all tried to tell Marsha and Justin of the difficulties they would endure with the girls. They would not listen. They kept bragging about their degrees in early childhood development and their experience with children. Plus they insisted they had all the therapists on hand at their preschool to help with their problems. Plus they said God called them to do this and he would get them through anything. We tried to not send the girls there and Cecile Blucker pulled strings and blackmailed DHS workers. I would love to correspond with you about this tragic preventable catastrophe." That is a comment on this Change.org petition, which I have signed.
3. The Harrises continued to cash the subsidy given to them by the state even after they abandoned the girls. Um, fraud much?? I guess they forgot about that whole, "thou shalt not steal" Commandment when reading their Bible Cliff Notes.
4. Justin Harris is a state representative in Arkansas. One would think that he would use his power and stature as an elected official to unlock doors and change laws, granting more support to families like his own. However, there is absolutely no evidence that he did anything. Instead he introduced legislation that would allow daycare centers and pre-schools not be forced to have sprinkler systems (FYI, he and his wife own a "Christian" pre-school).
5. And most importantly, there is help available. Lots of it. For free. I know this because I've been there myself. Christopher came to me with some of the same history that these girls had and believe me, I get how difficult it is to raise kids with complex trauma history. I got called home from work one day because my son had threatened to kill his nanny that day. On multiple occasions, adults have had to intervene when Christopher started attacking other children with a stick. All this was very scary to me but you know what I didn't do? I didn't hand my child over to a pedophile. Instead I got him help. A lot of it. There was a point where he received therapeutic services three times a week and I also got him referred to the Boston Children's Hospital Developmental Medicine Center for even more intensive therapy. His behavioral pediatrician there specializes in foster and adoptive children with complex trauma histories and has been an incredible resource for us. The best thing of all is, these services are all free because foster children (in Massachusetts at least) get free healthcare until their 18th birthday. This is done to help incentivize an adoption because let's face it....healthcare is really expensive and these kids need a lot of it. But if you get the services, they really do work. Anyone who has ever met Christopher will tell you that he is a completely different child today, for the better. It doesn't happen overnight and requires hard work and patience. Too bad that the Harrises just couldn't be bothered.

I am so sorry for the two little girls that have had to repeatedly suffer at the hands of people who were supposed to be there and protect them. This story makes me both angry and sad. I can only hope that the media attention this story has generated helps save another child from potential harm. I posted this story to my Facebook page asking people to volunteer time and/or money to children's charities because we need more caring, loving people to ensure the safety of our nation's most at-risk children. I would also like to ask, dearest God, please watch over the foster children who need you and help to keep them safe from harm. Amen.

When Your Son Doesn't Believe This is his Forever Home

What do you do when your adopted son from foster care tells you that he doesn't believe this is his forever home?

Ever since Christopher's therapy services ended, the lack of consistency for him has caused him to doubt his stability here. Just this morning over breakfast, Christopher looked down and admitted, "I don't believe this is my forever home. I think you're going to send me back to foster care".

How freaking heartbreaking is it that my child believes this?

I tell him all the time...I mean ALL the time...that I love him and that this is his forever home. I ask him if he believes me though and he tells me no. I honestly don't know what else to do.

His teacher tells me he appears to be depressed at school. She said he often cries and that she and the two Paras will try to make him smile.

I also know that when I get upset with him, he thinks I'm going to give him away right then and there. I try to explain to him that sometimes little boys don't make good choices and that makes mommies upset. But as his momma I will always love him. He just doesn't believe me and that's what makes it so hard.

I do have Christopher signed up for new therapy services through the school so that will start soon. I think this will actually be a better fit for him and I'm highly optimistic for him. The therapist has been with the school for 16 years and told me that she's not going anywhere. This will provide Christopher with the consistency going forward that he desperately needs.

Also I think she's a little more seasoned than the previous ones I had (they were both in their 20) and I think understands how to really truly help. I think that the other therapists understood the issue but were more about solving for the immediate need than about long-term therapeutic care. When I would say Christopher struggles with believing that this is his forever home, I would get told that this is something that he'll have to work through his entire life because of his trauma history. Well, yeah...isn't that what we're in therapy for?

Also one last positive note for this therapist: She's in the school and right down the hall from Christopher's classroom. So she and the teacher will communicate (hopefully) and that information could be used to better provide the kiddo with the treatment he needs. Before the teacher was not speaking to the therapy team and everyone was operating in a vacuum. Better to have the team approach, me thinks.

So I'm happy and relieved to have new therapy services starting but how do I deal with Christopher's fear of being taken away again in the meantime? I try to be there for him. I hug him and cuddle with him and tell him that I love him. Sometimes it just doesn't seem to be enough for this little guy. Makes me sad.

What a Rough Week!

I am so glad this week is over and I'm sure my kiddo is glad too.

Christopher came home from school with notes every single day this week. Here is a roundup of our less than stellar week:

Monday: Threw pencils at kids across the room
Tuesday: Hitting, biting, pushing and spitting on kids in the after school program
Wednesday: I didn't even read the note
Thursday: Kicked a girl in the head in the after-school program
Friday: Crying in class; Jumped on friend because he wanted the book she had in her hands

Aaahhh the joys of an ADHD former-foster kid.

What happened this week? We had been doing so well the last few months and now it seems almost like we're back at square one again. I do have some theories:

1. Christopher's therapy is about to end and the therapy team told him on Monday that he was going to "graduate" next week. Christopher has lost two therapists before these two because they had left the practice to get new jobs. Each time Christopher transitioned away from the old therapist to a new therapist, he acted out in ways similar to the above. It makes sense that Tuesday was his worst day because that was the day after he was told he was losing Mary and Mike.
   
   I asked Christopher on Wednesday evening if losing Mike and Mary was upsetting him and he said yes. I also asked him if he thought he was going to be taken away again and he said yes to that as well. Ugh. So my child is acting out because he's afraid he's going to taken away and put into another stranger's foster home. What a heartbreaking thought. I can't imagine always being afraid that I was going to lose my home and my family but this is the reality for so many kids unfortunately. Thankfully that's not the reality for MY kid though and I reassured him that this was his forever home and that he was stuck with me.
   
   It's frustrating because clearly this kid needs some sort of help but what do you do when the services your child gets to help him with his trauma history is what is actually causing the problems? I can talk to the therapists but what can they do? They're "graduating" him next week. Then we're on our own. Not really what I need but it is what it is.
   
   I spoke with Christopher's teacher and she said he could see the therapist at the school if he has an IEP. We are scheduled for IEP testing later this month so hopefully he qualifies and can start receiving services through the school.
   
   
2. After being off school for two weeks, Christopher is way off of his routine. Christopher does not do well at all when he's off his routine. He may need some time to re-adjust to his long days at school and the after-school program again. Lots of kids. Lots of stimulation. And lots of being tired by the end of the day. All those factors can be rough on a kid with ADHD. Hopefully he adjusts next week.
   
   
3. I may have forgotten to give Christopher his ADHD medication on Tuesday. Oops on my part. I too am off my normal routine and with trying to remember so many different things in the morning, I think I forgot possibly one of the most important. After his tough day on Tuesday though, I will never let that mistake happen again.

We'll see if next week is better and I truly hope it is, or else I'll have to figure something out. We'll see. Wish us lots of luck. I think we may just need it.

Thank Goodness for Angry Birds!

After living with me for two years, Christopher finally asked to sleep in his own bed for the first time. This is huge! He used to be so afraid of sleeping by himself -- he was afraid of monsters in the closet, the dark and the smoke alarm scares him too. He used to be afraid of thunderstorms but he actually got over that in the last year. So cross one fear off the list, thank you very much. But the fear of the dark, monsters and the smoke alarm persisted.

That's a symptom of PTSD by the way; irrational fears like the smoke detector and loud thunderstorms. His therapist tells me that I don't know what happened when he was in foster care; that he probably felt scared when there was a thunderstorm and didn't have anyone there to comfort him. He feels safe and protected in my house so no more fear of thunderstorms or smoke alarms. Yay!

I used to battle with him to sleep in his own bed because I thought it was important that he sleep on his own. I'd put him to bed and he'd jump out four or five times and run around the house. Sometimes he'd be up until 11pm and I'd wonder how he was going to function the next day. I wondered about myself too actually. I was very tired a good chunk of the time.

After the Marathon bombing, I gave up on fighting with him at bedtime because I just didn't have it in me anymore to battle with him. I decided it was doing more harm than good to make him sleep in his own room and maybe he just needed his mama near him in order to feel safe. I stopped the hard nosed stance and changed to a much softer approach.

I've been telling him that if he sleeps in his own bed overnight, that he would get to play Angry Birds on the Kindle in the morning. He loves Angry Birds. And he loves the Kindle. So every morning he would get out of my bed and ask to play Angry Birds on the Kindle and I would say no. This was a reward for when he slept in his own room. He'd cry but I held firm. Last night, he finally worked up the courage to sleep in his own room by himself and I held up my end of the bargain: he is playing Angry Birds on the Kindle right now. Win-win all around!



I never thought I would say this but...thank goodness for Angry Birds!

We FINALLY Got Our Eval From Children's Hospital

Children's Hospital, Boston

After an almost unbearable eight-month wait, Christopher finally had his neuro-eval at Children's Hospital. Yay! Hopefully we're moving in the right direction for a long-term solution now. I hope so at least.

The appointment went well. Christopher met with the therapist for about two hours and I met with the behavioral pediatrician. I told the doctor all about Christopher's history as well as the issues that have brought me to Children's.

Once the discussion ended, the doctor told me that she recognizes that Christopher's behaviors are probably not typical ADHD simply because of his trauma background but that he may have more of a ADHD *like* scenario going on. I agreed that his background plays a huge role in Christopher's life today. He won't sleep in his own bed, he has irrational fears and he worries that I will give him away when I get mad at him. But that's not the behavior stuff I want addressed. I can manage those things myself. I want to address the ADHD-like stuff because that's what's keeping him from integrating well into society. I hope that came through in our conversation.

I think it's possible to have an ADHD diagnosis in addition to all the trauma stuff he has had to work through. It's tough to unravel everything going on with my little guy, I'm sure. But we need to try to see each piece on its own, as much as we can.

A Revelation

In going through the questionnaire that I completed, we discussed the concept of "food hoarding". I said that Christopher has been known to hide food ]behind pillows and to sneak into the refrigerator when I'm asleep or taking a shower. He will also pick up random food and drinks off the street and try to eat or drink them, with me running after him, yelling for him to drop it. It's gotten to the point where I lock some treats in my car to keep him from sneaking them (or else I just don't buy them).

I never really thought about these actions in the context of his history but apparently they stem from the fact that early in life, Christopher never felt certain that he would get fed. A child who is chronically hungry develops a primal fear that he or she will never have enough food. They learn to eat whatever they can, wherever they can find it or they stash it away...just in cse. Thus his actions are the sad result of early abuse, neglect or deprivation. Well that just kind of breaks my heart. I can assure you though...this little guy wants for nothing now. He just needs to be able to accept that.

Next Steps

I go back on September 26th to discuss Christopher's diagnosis with the behavioral pediatrician and therapist. I'm looking forward to hearing what she has to say and to figuring out how we could best treat my awesome little guy so that he's a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kiddo.

This Was Random...

When we were leaving the hospital, all the sudden I heard from behind me, "Christopher?" I turned around and there in front of us were Christopher's last foster parents. They live three and a half hours away so the idea of running into them at Children's Hospital in Boston is completely shocking to me and obviously even more so to Christopher. (They were there getting some treatment for their grandson.)

He didn't recognize them at first and when they reminded him who they were, I could tell he didn't know how to take that. He started acting out. Running around the lobby. He climbed on top of the Information Desk and just acted a bit out of control. He wouldn't speak to the former fosters. I decided I needed to get him out of there because hey, it had been a long day (3 hours of evaluation) and now he was going to deal with the emotions of his last placement. It was too much. So we left. I asked Christopher if he wanted to hug the former fosters before he left and he said no. That's pretty telling because this kid hugs everybody. I didn't push it though and left it up to him. At that, I said goodbye to the fosters and we left. Christopher calmed down as soon as we got outside and has been calm ever since. I haven't brought up the former fosters and won't unless he does. 

And with that now we wait for the next step. So stay tuned. More to come!

To Pee or Not To Pee

I woke up this morning at 3am to the sound of someone peeing on the floor next to my bed. At first I thought it was the dog and was ready to yell “bad doggie!” Imagine my surprise though when I turn on the light and I realize it’s … Christopher. Say what?

I’m half asleep and not at my most patient. So I yell, “WHY ARE YOU PEEING ON MY FLOOR? STOP PEEING!” So he stops. Thankfully.

Now I need an answer to my question. Why were you peeing on my floor??

Christopher was afraid of the dark and he didn’t want to go to the bathroom all by himself. So he chose to pee on my floor instead. The logic of this escapes me but I’m not a five year old kid afraid of the dark so who am I to judge?

I’ve now upset him with my yelling though and so I need to stop and calm down. Christopher asks me, “do you still love me”? It breaks my heart a little to know that he’s afraid he wouldn’t be loved anymore for one pee incident. So I hug him and tell him, “of course I still love you. I just don’t *like* that you peed on my floor”.

This makes him stop crying, thankfully. And at this point I give him a roll of paper towels and tell him he’s got to clean up the mess. He’s five years old and needs to understand the repercussions of his impulsive actions. He did a half-okay job and I did the rest. I mean hey this is my bedroom and I do not want any pee left on the floor. Ewww.

Potty training has definitely been a challenge for this kid and at the age of 5-1/2 I thought we were done but as last night shows, we’re not quite done yet. We were only able to stop wearing pull-ups to bed last February and we only stopped them then because there had been a huge snow storm and I couldn’t get out of the house to buy another pack after running out. Since then, Christopher has often been up two, three, four times a night to pee. This is because he had the sensation of needing to go, even if he didn’t really have to. I actually took him to the doctor for this and he ran tests and found nothing wrong. I had a test scheduled with a radiologist at Children’s Hospital but as it took several months to schedule the appointment, Christopher’s need to constantly pee had subsided in that time. I really do think it was just a potty training issue.

The way I look at it is, with Christopher some stuff will just take longer since he had such a traumatic history. Potty training is one of those things. And so I need to remember that next time Christopher pees on my floor at 3am. This of course isn’t easy to do when I’m exhausted and trying to sleep but I do the best that I can.