Summertime Ups and Downs

Here we are at the beginning of August already. How is it that summertime flies by so quickly and the winter just churns on and on and on and on and ....

Anyway, we've had a lot of fun this summer and as many great times as we have had, Christopher's been way off his routine more than I had wished. This does create some issues for him too.

For example, when Christopher gets really over-stimulated with lots of activity and other kiddos around, his medication simply stops working. So a few weekends ago when we were up in Maine, you would not even know he was taking meds. He was hitting, kicking and fighting with his cousin which really made me lose my cool a few times.

Also, even though his medication is a 12-hour lasting dose, it does wear off at some point. So here we are at dinner in a lovely restaurant with extended family and Christopher starts to melt down. Loudly. I even had to put my hand over his mouth at one point to keep him from scaring the other patrons because he was that loud. Luckily my family helped out and were able to calm him down because this frazzled mom was staring to feel overwhelmed.

One day this past week Christopher went to bed way too late and woke up way too early so he didn't have enough sleep. That day he was like a walking zombie all day and I felt bad for him. I tried to get him to take a nap but he wouldn't do it, instead just choosing to stare at his toys for a while. This was way out of character for him and I made sure that the following evening he got to bed earlier. His medication really does require that he get enough sleep and this is clearly what happens when he doesn't get it. Poor kiddo.

Last but not least, being off of his normal strict routine seems to exacerbate his PTSD and all of the sudden, once summer started, Christopher became deathly afraid of all bugs; spiders and black flies especially. He shrieks loudly, darts his eyes back and forth and runs to me, needing to be held. Let me tell you, in New England in the summertime, there are a lot of bugs so this has been an issue for him. I keep trying to remind him that he's safe but he's struggling with this the most. I will say that this past week on Cape Cod, he was not the only child afraid of the bugs because one of my sister's friend's daughters was also afraid. Plus my niece became scared yesterday as well. So I don't think that this fear is entirely uncharacteristic of children. However when you have a child who has experienced trauma, I guess the reactions are all just a whole lot stronger.

Now onto the good stuff. We had so much fun in our travels this summer. Best of all, my sister and her kids, who live in Colorado, were visiting this summer so we got to spend TONS of time with them. We just love them so much!

One weekend, we went to the new Legoland Discovery Center here in Boston. The kids had a blast but man, it was loud and exhausting. I was glad to come home after that experience.

On the following weekend, we went to Maine to see some extended family. For my brother's birthday, we all went to the local bait/tackle/gun shop to enjoy a fresh lobster and clambake. It was a unique setting...but very tasty.

We just got back from a week on Cape Cod where we got to stay at our family's lighthouse. Yep....my grandmother bought a real lighthouse in 1936 and it's been in the family ever since. We were truly blessed with amazing weather too so no complaints there.

It was fun because we got to host a lot of friends and family and enjoy a beach with hardly any people on it. How often does that happen in the summertime?

We all get clamming licenses so that we can go clamming and enjoy really really fresh clams that evening. I have to say, those are the most amazing, tasty treats. Nothing beats a fresh, grilled clam!

Even my dog loved the vacation. Nothing like getting wet and dirty in the sand with your family!

When we weren't traveling hours away, we managed to enjoy some closer to home activities this summer as well. For example, here's a photo I took in Gloucester last weekend, where we went for a day trip with a good friend of mine.

And even closer to home, I had a few barbecues this summer right on my front porch. The weather didn't always cooperate--for example it poured down rain on the 4th of July--but that did not deter me. I'm not going to melt. I just braved the elements for a while and next thing you know, I had some yummy grilled salmon and corn on the cob.

So yes we've had to take the good with the bad this summer but still things are better this year than they were last summer when Christopher was just so out of control. A year ago I didn't know what to do about Christopher's behaviors. He was just stuck in overdrive, couldn't slow down and would just get violent with other little kids. I also didn't know about the need for routines and a clean diet and we were still on the wait list for our intro appointment at the Behavioral Medicine Clinic at Children's Hospital. Since Christopher started getting treatment there, life became so much easier. Routines plus clean diet and medication have made a huge difference, along with Christopher just maturing and also believing more that this is his forever home. Each year it does definitely get easier. So that's great. The tough thing though is that as much as I'd love to be able to help other kids get out of the foster care system, Christopher is still such a handful that I just don't think I could handle another child with any sort of special needs. And let's face it, all kids from foster care will have some sort of special needs, right? The trauma alone will mess with a kid's head and they will need help. I just don't have it in me to do more though. My hands are full!

Today is Friday August 1st and I'm still on vacation till Monday. Plus it's an absolutely beautiful day so I've decided to keep the vacation fun going. I've got a few errands to run and a ton of laundry to do but that can all wait till tomorrow when it's supposed rain all day. I think I'll take the kiddo to the beach today. More memories to come!

Watch "Removed": An Award Winning Short Film About a Foster Child

A friend posted to my Facebook page earlier this week a link to the award-winning movie "Removed"; the story of what it's like to be a foster child in America. It's only 12 minutes long so I do recommend if you have some time to watch this. The end literally made me cry. Tears and everything.

The story was very realistic. It showed the abuse that this little girl and her brother endured, which caused them to be removed from the mother's custody and placed into separate foster homes. You could see the sadness and confusion on this little girl's face and she was moved from home to home, carrying all her belongings in a garbage bag.  I'll never forget that Christopher's clothes were handed to me in three drawstring garbage bags so this is very true and accurate to real life.

The movie also shows the little girl's anger and the behavioral issues that emerge because she feels she has no control over her life. And it shows the lack of trust these children learn to have. Oh how I can relate to that! For the first year and a half I had him, Christopher didn't trust me and didn't trust his pre-school teachers. He had been taken away before so why get close to these people if they were only going to hurt him? He used to act out in defiance, just willing us to give up on him. The screaming tantrums, the "you're not my favorite mommy" comments, and just acting out, that happened all the time. It was exhausting. Truly exhausting.

The little girl had flashbacks from her old life which shows she probably should have a diagnosis of PTSD. She started screaming when she got a new dress from her foster mom that reminded her of the domestic violence she witnessed at her mom's home. This of course confused the foster mom as she had no idea what caused the outburst.

Christopher has a diagnosis of PTSD and would freak out over thunderstorms, smoke alarms and swimming over the drain at the YMCA pool. I was of course confused as well and his therapists would tell me that there are a lot of experiences this little boy had that I just don't know about. So when he would scream and cry like that over what seems silly to me, I would just comfort him and let him know he was safe.

The movie also showed the conflicted emotions that these children have over visits with their birth mom. In the movie you see the little girl refusing to interact with the mom during a visit. She's angry at her and for good reason. Mom failed to keep her safe.

Christopher's last visit with his birth mom resulted in a screaming tantrum when we got home and a punch in my eye. For a three year old, he has a remarkable strong right hook, let me tell you. He was angry though because his mother had told him out of spite that he was going to be given away again and that this wasn't his forever home. She was angry that she couldn't have her child so she wanted to hurt him, which of course is a big reason why she couldn't have her child. I mean seriously, who does that? That one comment messed with his head for months, by the way. It was probably the single worst thing she could have said to him at the time.

Like the little girl in this movie though, Christopher eventually began to heal and to trust. We still have our struggles and I still often have to remind Christopher that this is his forever home but at least now he believes me when I tell him.

I don't want to give away the end of the movie but I do want to say...it made me tear up. You need to see it for yourself.

To watch "ReMoved", please click here.

When Your Son Doesn't Believe This is his Forever Home

What do you do when your adopted son from foster care tells you that he doesn't believe this is his forever home?

Ever since Christopher's therapy services ended, the lack of consistency for him has caused him to doubt his stability here. Just this morning over breakfast, Christopher looked down and admitted, "I don't believe this is my forever home. I think you're going to send me back to foster care".

How freaking heartbreaking is it that my child believes this?

I tell him all the time...I mean ALL the time...that I love him and that this is his forever home. I ask him if he believes me though and he tells me no. I honestly don't know what else to do.

His teacher tells me he appears to be depressed at school. She said he often cries and that she and the two Paras will try to make him smile.

I also know that when I get upset with him, he thinks I'm going to give him away right then and there. I try to explain to him that sometimes little boys don't make good choices and that makes mommies upset. But as his momma I will always love him. He just doesn't believe me and that's what makes it so hard.

I do have Christopher signed up for new therapy services through the school so that will start soon. I think this will actually be a better fit for him and I'm highly optimistic for him. The therapist has been with the school for 16 years and told me that she's not going anywhere. This will provide Christopher with the consistency going forward that he desperately needs.

Also I think she's a little more seasoned than the previous ones I had (they were both in their 20) and I think understands how to really truly help. I think that the other therapists understood the issue but were more about solving for the immediate need than about long-term therapeutic care. When I would say Christopher struggles with believing that this is his forever home, I would get told that this is something that he'll have to work through his entire life because of his trauma history. Well, yeah...isn't that what we're in therapy for?

Also one last positive note for this therapist: She's in the school and right down the hall from Christopher's classroom. So she and the teacher will communicate (hopefully) and that information could be used to better provide the kiddo with the treatment he needs. Before the teacher was not speaking to the therapy team and everyone was operating in a vacuum. Better to have the team approach, me thinks.

So I'm happy and relieved to have new therapy services starting but how do I deal with Christopher's fear of being taken away again in the meantime? I try to be there for him. I hug him and cuddle with him and tell him that I love him. Sometimes it just doesn't seem to be enough for this little guy. Makes me sad.

What a Rough Week!

I am so glad this week is over and I'm sure my kiddo is glad too.

Christopher came home from school with notes every single day this week. Here is a roundup of our less than stellar week:

Monday: Threw pencils at kids across the room
Tuesday: Hitting, biting, pushing and spitting on kids in the after school program
Wednesday: I didn't even read the note
Thursday: Kicked a girl in the head in the after-school program
Friday: Crying in class; Jumped on friend because he wanted the book she had in her hands

Aaahhh the joys of an ADHD former-foster kid.

What happened this week? We had been doing so well the last few months and now it seems almost like we're back at square one again. I do have some theories:

1. Christopher's therapy is about to end and the therapy team told him on Monday that he was going to "graduate" next week. Christopher has lost two therapists before these two because they had left the practice to get new jobs. Each time Christopher transitioned away from the old therapist to a new therapist, he acted out in ways similar to the above. It makes sense that Tuesday was his worst day because that was the day after he was told he was losing Mary and Mike.
   
   I asked Christopher on Wednesday evening if losing Mike and Mary was upsetting him and he said yes. I also asked him if he thought he was going to be taken away again and he said yes to that as well. Ugh. So my child is acting out because he's afraid he's going to taken away and put into another stranger's foster home. What a heartbreaking thought. I can't imagine always being afraid that I was going to lose my home and my family but this is the reality for so many kids unfortunately. Thankfully that's not the reality for MY kid though and I reassured him that this was his forever home and that he was stuck with me.
   
   It's frustrating because clearly this kid needs some sort of help but what do you do when the services your child gets to help him with his trauma history is what is actually causing the problems? I can talk to the therapists but what can they do? They're "graduating" him next week. Then we're on our own. Not really what I need but it is what it is.
   
   I spoke with Christopher's teacher and she said he could see the therapist at the school if he has an IEP. We are scheduled for IEP testing later this month so hopefully he qualifies and can start receiving services through the school.
   
   
2. After being off school for two weeks, Christopher is way off of his routine. Christopher does not do well at all when he's off his routine. He may need some time to re-adjust to his long days at school and the after-school program again. Lots of kids. Lots of stimulation. And lots of being tired by the end of the day. All those factors can be rough on a kid with ADHD. Hopefully he adjusts next week.
   
   
3. I may have forgotten to give Christopher his ADHD medication on Tuesday. Oops on my part. I too am off my normal routine and with trying to remember so many different things in the morning, I think I forgot possibly one of the most important. After his tough day on Tuesday though, I will never let that mistake happen again.

We'll see if next week is better and I truly hope it is, or else I'll have to figure something out. We'll see. Wish us lots of luck. I think we may just need it.

Patience With Behaviors is Hard!

They say that "sorry" is the hardest word but for me, the hardest word sometimes is "patience".

In some way Christopher is a normal, high-energy, inquisitive little boy. Sometimes I forget he has a long trauma history and when I'm tired or frustrated ... or both, I lose my patience.

I know all parents yell and I don't get upset with myself for raising my voice when Christopher ignores my requests to pick up his toys. I hear parents at the YMCA yelling at their kids to listen all the time.

But there are times when Christopher's fears drive his behaviors but I don't realize it and then feel terrible when I yell at him.

For example, we've had a terrible time with going to bed. Christopher simply won't sleep in his own bed all night by himself. My social worker had told me that I needed to be firm about this so I would battle with him every night, bringing him back to his bedroom after he hops out, time after time after time.

One Monday night a few months ago, Christopher quietly got out of bed, went into the pantry, opened a container of sugar and proceeded to throw the sticky crystals all over his bedroom. I was in my own bed down the hall but heard the noise, went into his room, saw the mess and went ballistic.

I had no choice but to put Christopher into my bed while I cleaned the mess up, which of course is what he was trying to achieve (my kid is scary smart). When I was done cleaning (45 minutes later) though I was exhausted and furious. And he got an earful from me.

When I'd calmed down, I finally asked him why he did this. At first he just shrugged. But after I pressed him, he said that he was afraid he was going to be taken away again. I asked him why. After all, Christopher had been living with me for a year and a half and had been officially adopted. He knew this. So why was he still acting out?

Apparently Christopher had been thinking about his last foster home and how he thought they were going to be his forever family too. He loved his foster mom so much and was heartbroken when she gave him away. He was only there for six months but that was enough to create the bond and he's been hurting about that event ever since he came to live with me. Even two years later, the pain is still there.

Yes I felt terrible now. This poor kid is hurting and here I am getting upset with him. I was so glad he told me what was going on with him so that I could hug him and nurture him and make him feel safe and loved though.

For the record, I don't even bother with trying to put him to bed in his own room anymore. I just can't handle the battles anymore. I figure at some point he's going to feel secure enough to sleep on his own but until then I just let him stay with me. We'll make the transition to his own room when he feels ready I guess.