Justin Harris Wouldn't Know Christian Values if They Hit Him in The Face

I will be the first to admit that I cannot quote scripture with any degree of reliability. But I will also say that because of a lot of time spent in church both growing up and as an adult, I have a pretty solid understanding of the Bible and the tenets that it promotes. As I understand it, as a Christian you are supposed to be kind, helpful, loving, supportive and to help take care of those who are unable to take care of themselves. Does that sound about right?

These Christian morals forged the foundation of my belief system and were one of the reasons I have always wanted to adopt from foster care. I wanted to give a home to a child who needed love and stability more than anyone. With my little guy here, I feel complete.

That's also why I find people like (R) State Rep. Justin Harris of Arkansas completely morally reprehensible. He and his wife Marsha claim to be Christians. They adopted two little girls from foster care but after six months found it all too hard to deal with, so gave the wee ones to a guy he had actually fired from his business because the guy was unreliable. Hey, I can't give you a severance because you're a terrible employee but here...take these innocent little girls instead. Seems logical, right? The girls were four and six years old and the guy ended up raping one of them. He plead guilty and sits in jail now, where I hope he rots for a very long time. If interested, you can read more about this sad tale here.



But wait, it gets better. Justin Harris held a press conference proclaiming that HE was the victim, not the little girl who got raped because of of his callous disregard for her safety. He said that he and his wife were forced to abandon the girls because they had severe behavioral issues and DCFS wouldn't help them. He said that the child's pediatrician told them to do this. This is all hard to believe. I call shenanigans on the Harrises "Christian values" for multiple reasons:

1. It doesn't happen a lot but adoptions do occasionally not work out and state social service agencies have protocols in place for taking back foster children whose adoptions failed, for whatever reason. He claims he was threatened by DCS but I don't buy that for a minute. FYI, good Christians don't lie to save their own hides.
2. The Harrises claim that they didn't know what they were getting into but the little girls' foster mom says they were told exactly what to expect and said that they had resources in place to help. This is what Cheryl Hart says: "i am the foster mom of the kids he discarded. We all tried to tell Marsha and Justin of the difficulties they would endure with the girls. They would not listen. They kept bragging about their degrees in early childhood development and their experience with children. Plus they insisted they had all the therapists on hand at their preschool to help with their problems. Plus they said God called them to do this and he would get them through anything. We tried to not send the girls there and Cecile Blucker pulled strings and blackmailed DHS workers. I would love to correspond with you about this tragic preventable catastrophe." That is a comment on this Change.org petition, which I have signed.
3. The Harrises continued to cash the subsidy given to them by the state even after they abandoned the girls. Um, fraud much?? I guess they forgot about that whole, "thou shalt not steal" Commandment when reading their Bible Cliff Notes.
4. Justin Harris is a state representative in Arkansas. One would think that he would use his power and stature as an elected official to unlock doors and change laws, granting more support to families like his own. However, there is absolutely no evidence that he did anything. Instead he introduced legislation that would allow daycare centers and pre-schools not be forced to have sprinkler systems (FYI, he and his wife own a "Christian" pre-school).
5. And most importantly, there is help available. Lots of it. For free. I know this because I've been there myself. Christopher came to me with some of the same history that these girls had and believe me, I get how difficult it is to raise kids with complex trauma history. I got called home from work one day because my son had threatened to kill his nanny that day. On multiple occasions, adults have had to intervene when Christopher started attacking other children with a stick. All this was very scary to me but you know what I didn't do? I didn't hand my child over to a pedophile. Instead I got him help. A lot of it. There was a point where he received therapeutic services three times a week and I also got him referred to the Boston Children's Hospital Developmental Medicine Center for even more intensive therapy. His behavioral pediatrician there specializes in foster and adoptive children with complex trauma histories and has been an incredible resource for us. The best thing of all is, these services are all free because foster children (in Massachusetts at least) get free healthcare until their 18th birthday. This is done to help incentivize an adoption because let's face it....healthcare is really expensive and these kids need a lot of it. But if you get the services, they really do work. Anyone who has ever met Christopher will tell you that he is a completely different child today, for the better. It doesn't happen overnight and requires hard work and patience. Too bad that the Harrises just couldn't be bothered.

I am so sorry for the two little girls that have had to repeatedly suffer at the hands of people who were supposed to be there and protect them. This story makes me both angry and sad. I can only hope that the media attention this story has generated helps save another child from potential harm. I posted this story to my Facebook page asking people to volunteer time and/or money to children's charities because we need more caring, loving people to ensure the safety of our nation's most at-risk children. I would also like to ask, dearest God, please watch over the foster children who need you and help to keep them safe from harm. Amen.

Why the school assignment to bring a baby picture to class can be traumatizing to foster and adopted kids

Things have been going really well with Christopher lately. December was a bit rough because of all the excitement surrounding the holidays but he has settled down nicely in January. As long as the routine stays status quo, then I could anticipate that Christopher's behavior would be manageable.

Of course, the key phrase in that sentence is "status quo" and in life, you just have to expect the unexpected sometimes. I learned that lesson the other day when I received an email from Christopher's teacher requesting the following:

"Please send in a baby picture of your child in an envelope or baggie by 1/27/15. It is for a writing activity and will be returned."

Please send in a baby picture.

Sounds like an innocuous request right? What kid doesn't have adorable baby pictures? It would seem like the hardest part of this project would be to find only one adorable photo out of the thousands you have to send in.

Not always so.

In our case, Christopher came to live with me at the age of 3-3/4. I have one baby photo of him because his birth mother gave it to his social worker before she lost parental rights. She had wanted Christopher to know where he came from and I do respect that. Someday I will show him this photo...but it will not be forced by a school assignment when Christopher is too young and still too emotionally vulnerable to be able to handle it. Not to mention, in the photo he is in the arms of his birth father--a man he hasn't seen since he was 18 months old. How would Christopher write about THAT? He doesn't even know this man. 

This assignment is forcing Christopher to address his early childhood trauma, his loss of his birth parents and it's making him explain things to his classmates that he doesn't have the tools to do. Also, the kids in his class really don't have the emotional maturity to handle the message. That's an awful lot for a first grader with PTSD due to early childhood trauma to take on by himself.

Not knowing what to do about this issue, I posted it to my Facebook page to see if any of my school teacher friends had any insights. A few did respond.

K wrote:

The personal time line will come up a couple of times in MA Curriculum Frameworks and this is exactly why teachers push back. As you struggle with this, understand other families with adopted children - some from equally as scary situations but in other parts of the world - are also struggling with this assignment. The point of the exercise right now is to understand we all come from someplace and have roots from which we grow. I have seen parents do things like, "This is a picture from when I was born, but these are pictures from my home...."

R wrote:

We normally give the option of doing a "fantasy" or fake family such as the Simpsons.

S wrote:

I think growth and maturity will lend a hand on his acceptance of being "different" but I think a good teacher would embrace this as a moment of learning and acceptance in the classroom. Good luck on this journey. You are a terrific person and a great Mom, you'll own this. Xo

I was starting to feel a little bit better abut this assignment because it seems like other teachers have handled it well. But then a fellow adoptive mom posted this same exact question to a listserv I am on for parents of kids adopted from foster care (nice to know I'm not alone). There has been a firestorm of responses because it's a difficult assignment for all our families. Here are just a few of the responses I saw there.

You are wise to be concerned about this. My daughter made the mistake (in 4th grade) of openly disclosing to kids in her class that she was adopted, including some of the sad truth of why the state put her into foster care, the whole 9 yards -- after which many of the kids who'd previously befriended her started to avoid her and/or publicly tease her. Her teacher, an adoptive parent himself, explained to me that at that age, the thing a kid worries about more than anything is not being safe and secure with their parents, and so because of that fear would avoid anyone/anything that could make them worry more about losing their parent(s). "If it could happen to them, maybe it could happen to me."

Yikes! The last thing I want is for my child to risk being bullied and harassed because he was adopted. The poor kid doesn't want to feel different...he wants to have friends and just be "normal" like everyone else.

Another response from a mental health crisis counselor scared me as well:

I was called to a school on an MCI (mobile crisis) call for a kid who was 'out of control'. She ended up being hospitalized. What triggered it? No surprises.

Apparently all the kids had to bring in baby pictures, hang them on the wall and everyone had to guess who everyone was. The girl didn't have one, so with the parent and teacher talking, it was agreed that she was able to bring in one of when she was older. She brought one from when she was adopted at 8yrs of age. The kids made fun her because she didn't have a baby picture.

The issue was, her classmates were not okay with it. They asked tons of questions and when she said she didn't have one, they made fun of her. Kids are not as sensitive to others' feelings like adults are.

Some children, DX with PTSD, these type of projects can open a box that shouldn't be opened in front of a classroom of their peers and only should be opened with a trained professional that deals with trauma.

Suddenly this "innocent" assignment doesn't appear to be so innocent after all does it? In the scenario above, the teacher clearly handled it poorly by not intervening and explaining why this child did not have any baby pictures. That said though, I think it's asking a lot of the teacher to understand early childhood trauma. Teachers are teachers...not trained mental health professionals and they are extremely busy just trying to teach 25 kids. They already have their hands full and then some.

This is all new territory for me but I figure the best thing to do in this scenario would be to enlist the assistance of the school and work as a team. So with that in mind, I've emailed both the teacher and the school psychologist to ask their help. I haven't heard back yet from either yet but we are in day 4 of snow day-cation (thank you Blizzard Juno!) so I suspect they won't be back online until Monday. The photo is due on Monday however and since I can't send a baby photo into school with Christopher, I may send a picture of him with his extended (adoptive) family, along with a note on why I'm doing this. The teacher can choose to do whatever she likes with the assignment I guess at that point but I do want to have the school psychologist at least aware in case the teacher chooses to move forward with some sort of birth story.

This is a tough assignment for any family that does not come from traditional circumstances. In Christopher's case, he's adopted from foster care but there are kids adopted from overseas with tragic histories who would have trouble with this. And what if your family was traditional but you lost all your photos in a fire? Or the hard drive where you stored your digital photos crashed and you lost everything. These can all happen and what then? The kid will still feel different and that's just not right.

Considering my town has a large DCF office, I suspect this isn't the first time Christopher's teacher has had to address this issue and based on what I've been reading on the MA foster adoption listserv, it won't be the last. We'll see what happens on Monday I guess.

Please Say a Prayer for a Child

There are very few times that I've asked someone to send a prayer. I'm just really not the praying type. I prefer to act than to pray but there have been a few instances where I've felt I needed the collective help of the community to solve a problem.

The first time I sent out a prayer request was when I was trying to become a mom and I asked friends and family to pray that an angel would bring me a little boy or girl to love...and believe it or not, just a few months later it happened, and very quickly at that. The Universe heard our prayers apparently.

Three years later I am sending a prayer request for my friend Mama B. She and her husband have been foster parents to "Mickey" since he was 10 months old. They wanted to adopt a baby and when they found out about Mickey, everyone was thrilled beyond belief. He wasn't free yet but at their disclosure meeting, they were told that Mickey was low legal risk and would be available for adoption soon.

Unfortunately, the courts didn't agree and have dragged out the process for over two years now. Bio mom wanted him back and it didn't matter that she was a homeless, drug-addicted prostitute who disappeared for months at a time. The courts decided to give her a chance. Again.

Then last year, bio dad appeared out of nowhere and decided he wanted custody of little Mickey too. Bio Dad was abusive to bio mom. He was also in prison awaiting trial for murder. Not a good guy.

A few months ago, Bio Dad escaped from prison and he's now on the run, living who knows where. My friends found this out when a local police officer knocked on their door and told them to be careful. Apparently Bio Dad had seen some paperwork at the DCF office he wasn't supposed to see and now had the names and address of my friends. They were told Bio Dad was armed and dangerous and could very well be on his way to their house. Of course they packed up their belongings and went to a hotel to be safe, at their own expense, I might add.

They have since gone home and there is no sign of Bio Dad thankfully. However now Bio Dad's Sister has appeared out of the woodwork saying she wants custody of Mickey! Of course Mickey has no idea who she is, as this woman has had no interest in him for the last two years. Also Bio Dad apparently used to store his illegal guns at his sister's house. She's clearly no law abiding citizen here.

The reason I'm asking for prayers now though is because Mickey's trial is next week. If the judge decides to, he will remove Mickey from the only home he's ever known, taken away from parents who love and adore him, to live with complete strangers, just like that.

My friends are scared they will lose the toddler they love with all their heart. We are all also scared for Mickey's safety. He would be leaving a warm, loving home to live in squalor with complete strangers who simply will not love him the way Mama B and her husband do. Mickey hasn't been traumatized by foster care yet but my friends won't be able to protect him any longer from the harsh realities of the world if the courts take him away. And this child so desperately deserves to be protected. He's only 2 years old!

By the way, while all this is going on, my friend Mama B's own father is dying of Cancer. She can't go visit him two states away though because she wants to spend as much time as she can with Mickey in case she loses him next week. The whole story is just too heartbreaking.

That said, I am hoping this story is worthy of a few prayers and all I ask is that you take a moment to pray for the safety of little Mickey and for a positive outcome to this difficult situation.

Thank you very much.

Happy National Adoption Day!

Christopher sitting at the judge's desk, stamping his adoption decree: 7.13.2011

Today is the day 4,500 foster children legally find their forever families. Congratulations moms, dads and kiddos! You made it!

We celebrated today with a free photo session courtesy of Krista Photography. This kind and generous woman donated not only her time and resources but the time of resources of her fellow photographers and friends, all to families who adopted kiddos from foster care. Pretty awesome right?

Our photographer was named CoCo and Christopher was a bit confused, as he thought cocoa was a drink not a name. She was super nice though, worked well with Christopher and I can't wait to see the photos once they're uploaded to the website.

I have to admit, I became really teary-eyed when I saw all those families getting their pictures taken today. There was one family there that had adopted TEN children from foster care. Ten!! God bless them. I can barely handle the one kid I've got and they have ten.

One thing I was really struck by today was just how diverse the crowd was. You had families in all shades of white, brown and black, smiling broadly for the camera; happy for the opportunity to share this moment together. True love doesn't know color, that's for sure. I heard that they registered 80 families today and would have had more but had to turn some away due to space limitations. (We signed up right away so we wouldn't miss out.)

The photos will be ready for our review in 10 days and as part of today's special deal, we'll get a $25 credit towards prints or digital downloads. I can't wait to see them. Christopher is crazy photogenic and I have a feeling I'm going to order several of the photos and send them to Nonnie (my mom) and my brothers and sisters. Merry Christmas!

By the way, Christopher also got to celebrate National Adoption Day with a trip to Kmart, where I bought him, yes, some Angry Birds. Hey what's a holiday without some Angry Birds?

Happy Forever Family Anniversary!

Christopher and I ready to come home: Oct. 1, 2011

Today marks the two-year anniversary of Christopher coming to live with me. Happy anniversary little man! Mama loves you!

I remember that day like it was yesterday. My heart was pounding in my chest and I don't think I had slept in a week by that point. I was a single woman who was all the sudden getting a child. I was freaked out!

Christopher was such a sweet, brave little boy. I'll never forget watching him say goodbye to his foster mom after she snapped him safely into his car seat. He cried. She cried. I cried. My heart broke for this little boy who was losing someone he truly loved and who barely knew the person he would now call "mom". I knew that I would give him a great home but he didn't know that yet. I just wanted to hug him and tell him it would all be all right.

There have been a whole lot of ups and downs over the last two years and there have been more than a few times where I wondered if I could do this a minute longer. But I always made it through and here we are on the other side, so much of a stronger family for all our hard work.

I told Christopher that I would buy him a present from Amazon as an anniversary gift. He wants some new Angry Birds action figures, since the dog chewed up his old ones. So since he's asked me about 10 times to go online, I'll go do that now. Have a great night!

My Effort at Foster Child Advocacy

For the Love of Children

I've been reading a lot of blog posts as well as comments from foster parents (some who have adopted their foster kids) and birth parents who have lost their kids but funny enough, I don't see anything being written by people like myself; people who specifically sought to adopt (not foster) a child who needed a home.

I have the utmost respect for foster parents because that is a really hard, often thankless job. You're caring for someone else's broken children and you're the one left to pick up the pieces and put them back together again. These kids are often angry at their situation and suffering either physically or emotionally (or both) from the abuse that they suffered at way too young an age. In addition, you're dealing with over-worked social workers and a system that is horribly broken and in my humble opinion, heavily weighted in favor of the birth parents who have caused all this pain in the first place. I tip my hat to you foster parents. You are true angels walking on this earth.

I have read the birth parents' perspectives and I try to feel sorry for them...but I just can't. I can't be anything but angry at what they have done to their children; at the utter selfishness they exhibit on a near constant basis. They hurt their children in horribly inexplicable ways and then blame everyone else but themselves for the outcome.

Case in point, Christopher's mother called DCF "Baby Snatchers" and would scream at and even assault social workers because they took her child away. Christopher's mom's social worker had a protective order in place because the bio mom had indeed attacked her. We also had to have our court-mandated visits with a security guard in the room in case she attacked the workers during a visit. Yeah, it was that bad.

However the bio mom failed to recognize the extreme danger she put her son in when she robbed a chain store with him in tow. Nor does she acknowledge the fact that she put his life at risk when she took police on a high speed car chase through crowded city streets in an effort to escape capture. She literally could have killed them both. But yeah, let's blame DCF.

In my early adoption journey, I got to hear about and meet so many children who have been through hell and back, all at the hands of the people who are supposed to love them and protect them. My heart breaks for these children and I am so angry at the people who hurt them. I just can't have sympathy for them.

One day I met a beautiful 15-year-old girl who had a little toddler sister, to be adopted together. I inquired with my social worker about them and was told how the older girl had been raped and impregnated by her own father and that the toddler was the offspring. The girls were still a legal risk, meaning the birth parents continued to fight to maintain their parental rights. Yep that's right..you can rape your daughter and still get to keep your kid until the state jumps through years' worth of expensive hoops to terminate rights. Meanwhile, the kids get victimized over and over again and all you can do is sit by and watch. It's horrible and it's just not right.

My own social worker used to work in the foster side of care and she told us stories about having to bring kids to visit parents in jail for molesting them. Often times, the parents are in jail for a year or two and then they get their kids back and start the abuse all over again. The social workers see what's going on but their hands are tied by laws that heavily favor birth parents and all they can do is watch it unfold. The well-trained social workers see the signs of abuse but these kids are too young to verbalize what's going on so a credible claim can't be made against the parents. So the courts side with the birth parents and the abuser gets to continue victimizing their kids without consequence. I asked my social worker how she handled watching that and she said that's the reason she switched over to foster adoption. At least these kids have a chance at a happily ever after. The kids in foster care have years of physical and emotional pain to look forward to and she just couldn't stomach it anymore.

I have a friend who was a foster parent initially but then switched over to adoption track for the same reason. She and her husband cared for a little girl and totally fell in love with the adorable toddler. The mother eventually got the little girl back and my friends cried over the loss, as any normal parent would. She cried even harder after the little girl died in her mother's care and she wasn't even allowed to attend the funeral. According to the mom, the child had a high fever and then had a seizure and died. The mother claims she called 911 but that an ambulance never came. (Um yeah right.) These are poor people so no autopsy was ever performed so who knows what really happened. My guess is the baby got a hold of some of mom's drugs, OD'd and died. That's just speculation but considering the scenario, not an unlikely one. The sad thing is, this child had been in a safe, loving home but the state wanted her reunited with her bio mom because that was supposedly in the best interests of the child. How dying on your living room floor is in anyone's best interest is really beyond me. But that's the mindset right now.

The same friend now has a toddler boy in her care. Wow he is a cutie! They are trying to adopt him but are fighting his birth mom, who wants to retain parental rights. Birth mom is a drug-addicted, homeless prostitute but all she has to do is show up to monthly visits (that her social worker escorts her to) and occasionally look presentable in court and her rights are maintained; for now at least. Meanwhile it's my friend and her husband giving this child a safe and loving home. The happy, safe, loving little guy could end up losing everything he has to go live in a homeless shelter with a woman he barely knows, if the bio mom chooses to make that effort. My friend and her husband live in fear every day that the child they adore could be taken away from them by a system that heavily favors birth parents, no matter how horribly unstable they may be. Unfortunately, their experiences have some historical merit so I certainly can't tell them their fears are unfounded. All I can do is support them best I can.

In theory, I feel sorry for the parents because they're so obviously damaged themselves. Maybe they're mentally ill, drug addicted or have been horribly abused as children themselves. But that sympathy ends when I see what they are doing to their kids because of their own personal demons. God has entrusted these people with beautiful, trusting, adoring gifts and they are abusing that trust over and over again. At some point the cycle needs to stop! And we as a compassionate Christian society need to find a way to stop it. I wish I knew how to enact change but I'm just an over-worked single career mom doing what I can to get by. Besides blogging about it during my one free hour a week, what can I do?

The only comfort I'm able to derive in all of this is that my own little boy is safe and loved and wants for nothing. Right now he is playing in his room with his new Angry Birds Jenga game, without a care in the world. Yesterday he played soccer in the town's youth league and then had swim class at the YMCA and after that we met some friends at the Science Museum for an afternoon of fun learning. He is a happy little boy! This is a far cry from the scared and lonely two year old, who in intensive foster care, banged his head against walls so badly that his caregivers were afraid he was giving himself a concussion. Thankfully he has very few memories of his past life and that's exactly how I want it to be.

And now I need to go play Angry Birds Jenga with this happy little boy who has been begging me for the last hour to get off of my computer and go play with him. So I am off to enjoy a rainy Sunday with my little family.

Advocacy and Social Media

I have quite a few friends on Facebook who actively promote the rescue of dogs and cats from shelters. God bless these people for what they do. I adopted a dog just a few months ago from a rescue organization so I do what I can to help as well.

But it kind of surprises me that there isn’t a single person on Facebook advocating for children. Dogs, yes. Cats, check. But kids…nope.

Why is that? Is it just easier to save dogs from a shelter? Do people figure that Social Services is going to take care of kids so they don’t have to? Is it because the dogs and cats are at risk of being put to sleep and kids are not? I have no idea.

There are of course organizations with pages on Facebook that you can "like" that advocate for foster kids. For example there's the Massachusetts Adoption Resource Exchange (MARE) and the Foster Adoptive Mission. I "like" them both and they share some great information, both at times inspiring at at other times heartbreaking. But these are sponsored organizations and I am talking about friends who have passions for non-profit work. 

As many posts as I see a day on dog and cat rescue, I wish I saw just one on kid rescue. I post photos all the time and my friends do love them so maybe it’s just left to me to be that person now. Hence the blog I guess. Here I am getting our message out on love and the forever family.

To Pee or Not To Pee

I woke up this morning at 3am to the sound of someone peeing on the floor next to my bed. At first I thought it was the dog and was ready to yell “bad doggie!” Imagine my surprise though when I turn on the light and I realize it’s … Christopher. Say what?

I’m half asleep and not at my most patient. So I yell, “WHY ARE YOU PEEING ON MY FLOOR? STOP PEEING!” So he stops. Thankfully.

Now I need an answer to my question. Why were you peeing on my floor??

Christopher was afraid of the dark and he didn’t want to go to the bathroom all by himself. So he chose to pee on my floor instead. The logic of this escapes me but I’m not a five year old kid afraid of the dark so who am I to judge?

I’ve now upset him with my yelling though and so I need to stop and calm down. Christopher asks me, “do you still love me”? It breaks my heart a little to know that he’s afraid he wouldn’t be loved anymore for one pee incident. So I hug him and tell him, “of course I still love you. I just don’t *like* that you peed on my floor”.

This makes him stop crying, thankfully. And at this point I give him a roll of paper towels and tell him he’s got to clean up the mess. He’s five years old and needs to understand the repercussions of his impulsive actions. He did a half-okay job and I did the rest. I mean hey this is my bedroom and I do not want any pee left on the floor. Ewww.

Potty training has definitely been a challenge for this kid and at the age of 5-1/2 I thought we were done but as last night shows, we’re not quite done yet. We were only able to stop wearing pull-ups to bed last February and we only stopped them then because there had been a huge snow storm and I couldn’t get out of the house to buy another pack after running out. Since then, Christopher has often been up two, three, four times a night to pee. This is because he had the sensation of needing to go, even if he didn’t really have to. I actually took him to the doctor for this and he ran tests and found nothing wrong. I had a test scheduled with a radiologist at Children’s Hospital but as it took several months to schedule the appointment, Christopher’s need to constantly pee had subsided in that time. I really do think it was just a potty training issue.

The way I look at it is, with Christopher some stuff will just take longer since he had such a traumatic history. Potty training is one of those things. And so I need to remember that next time Christopher pees on my floor at 3am. This of course isn’t easy to do when I’m exhausted and trying to sleep but I do the best that I can.

What's in a Name?

I just read an article about a judge in Eastern Tennessee, presiding over a paternity case, who was supposed to determine the kid's last name but instead decided to change the baby's first name from Messiah to Martin. According to the judge, there's only one messiah and apparently this kid ain't Him.

I guess this shocked the mom and she has already announced that she's going to appeal the case. I was actually shocked to read that the name "Messiah" was the number four fastest rising baby name of 2012. Right behind Major and right in front of King. Who knew??

Can't say I agree with a judge's decision to over-ride what the parents want to name their child. I mean, what is this...Iceland??? But it did remind me of when I was in the process of adopting Christopher, how his social worker called me to fill out the adoption paperwork. She asked me, "What do you want to name him."

I asked, "what do you mean?"

And she said, I could change his name if I wanted to. That surprised me because I thought for a four-year-old kid at least, his name was etched in stone. Guess I was wrong.

I thought for a minute and said, no keep it Christopher. This poor kid has had enough change in his life. He doesn't need a new first name on top of it.

Plus, he was having trouble adjusting to the fact that I was going to change his last name so I didn't want to completely rob him of the last bit of his identity that he was able to keep.

Funny, when I told Christopher that he was going to get my last name after the adoption, I thought he'd be excited to have the same last name as his new mommy. The problem was, this meant we were slamming the door shut on his old mommy and that was hard for him. As nasty and abusive as she was, she was still his first mom and letting go was hard. I felt for the kid actually as soon as I realized how much he was hurting.

It took several weeks after the adoption for Christopher to adjust to his new name but adjust he did. Christopher loves his name now and to be honest, I'm not even sure he'd remember what his last name was just a year ago now. I might ask him and see if he remembers.

If you're interested to learn more about baby Messiah...I mean Martin, please click here.

Welcome to our Life!

Welcome!

I’m the single working mom to a son adopted from foster care and this is our story. Welcome! I chose to write this blog to share my story in the hopes that it could help other moms (and dads) facing some of the challenges I’m experiencing. I could really benefit from a community of like parents and since I haven’t found one in existence already, I thought I’d take steps to create one myself. So here goes.

Plus it’s just therapeutic to get everything out. Who needs expensive therapy when you could just write a blog for free?

So about our story…. A little history: As a single woman in my 40s, I’d never had the opportunity to have children, so I decided to see if I could adopt as a single parent via the foster care system. I really wanted to be a mom but without the right guy in my life and with my own fertility waning, I thought this might be the best way to go. I knew there were so many children looking for a good home so why not choose foster adoption over other private adoption, which was highly competitive and very expensive.

With foster adoption, everything was free to me and that was definitely a selling point. My reasoning was that the more money I saved on the adoption process, the more I could spend on my child. 

Christopher, a three-year-old foster child who had been taken from his mother when he was two, had bounced around seven foster homes before coming to live with me. Yep that’s right; seven foster homes. This poor kid never spent more than six months in one place and was devastated when each and every placement disrupted. My heart broke for this adorable little man who desperately needed a mother’s unconditional love, stability and consistency in his life. I knew that no matter what happened, I would NEVER give up on this child. He would be my forever son…for better or for worse.

Christopher and I have definitely had our ups and downs over the last two years. He has great days where he’s sweet, loving and listens well. But then there are the rough days. He has a long history of trauma (mostly due to the instability of his early childhood) and has been diagnosed with PTSD, for which he receives different treatments on a weekly basis. I’ve also gotten a referral from Christopher’s pediatrician to Children’s Hospital because I’m pretty sure he will be diagnosed with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He hits, bites and scratches kids on the playground and sometimes just seems to have no impulse control. He used to run out the front door of my house, scaring me that he’d get hit by a car. Also, sometimes he seems to be going 120 miles an hour and it’s impossible to stop or even slow him down. Channeling all that hyperactive energy can really be a challenge sometimes, especially when I’m tired. 

Because of everything going on with my little guy, parenting Christopher can be a challenge. Sometimes I think I handle it well but other times, I feel like I just can’t take anymore. I’m doing this all on my own too and so getting support or even just a break from the stress is not easy. But I think probably just being Christopher is even more a challenge. I marvel at his ability to succeed amid all his struggles and I vow to do everything I possibly can to ensure that he grows up to be a happy, healthy, grounded man who knows how well loved he is.

In this blog, I’ll be sharing our journey all from the perspective of a working, single mom raising a wonderful son adopted from foster care. I hope you find our story helpful and interesting and please feel free to share your thoughts and questions anytime.