Practical Solutions for Saving Children

This week I read a couple of articles about children and foster care that really disturbed me:

Scary Mommy shared a story about the heartbreak a foster child feels, not understanding why no one will ever love him. It does not end well. Articles rarely make me cry but this one affected me for a few days.

Children's Rights posted an LA Times article about the effects of the latest recession on impoverished children. The statistics are incredibly depressing. Did you know that:

• Five children die every day from gun violence
• One child dies every seven hours from abuse or negect
• Child poverty is at its highest level in the last 20 years

I also learned about the death of 2-year-old Colton Turner. This was a little boy well known to Texas Child Protective Services. Several complaints of abuse had been lodged against the mother. Family and friends said the child was being abused by the boyfriend. There were photos posted to Facebook that were apparently very disturbing. CPS talked to the mother each time but said they didn't see any examples of abuse even though there were photographic examples of bruising on social media. So life goes on until finally the boyfriend kills the child and buries his tiny body in the woods. Only then does the police department jump into action and launch an investigation. Um...it's a little late now don't ya think?

It makes me so sad that I keep having to read stories like this over and over and over again but nothing ever seems to change. The thing is, there are some really practical things we could do to protect children but no one ever wants to change the status quo because of "parent rights". Instead we just keep reading these stories of horrific abuse and terrible heartbreak and then go on about our day until the next story comes along. What about children's rights??? This is SO not the way things should be!

I've thought about it a lot and I think there are some pretty easy ways that we could improve childhood safety. Here are some examples.

1. Adequately staff DCF so that there are enough resources to follow up on all accusations of abuse and neglect. Yes I know that would cost taxpayer money but this is a subject definitely worth the investment
2. Change the laws so that a bio parent has a finite amount of time to get his/her act together. I say 18 months tops. Bouncing children back and forth for years on end only causes further trauma. Then by the time the state finally releases the child for adoption, the child is too old and very difficult to place. I am sure that's what happened in the case of poor young Steven in the Scary Mommy article and that's just sad. There are too many children out there like Steven.
3. Parental probation: When parents regain custody of their child(ren) the foster care system should require probation for the parents. The parents had to follow a service plan in order to regain custody so we need to make sure they are following it by staying away from people they need to be staying away from, remaining employed and drug free. There should be inspections of the home, employment checks and random drug tests. Someone convicted of stealing a candy bar from the grocery store will get probation but abusive and neglectful parents have no such requirements. That's just crazy.
4. Create a Big Brother/Big Sister program specifically for foster kids. These kids need someone stable and caring in their lives because everything and everyone else around them creates total chaos for their lives. This would also help DCF keep tabs on children who might be falling through the cracks now.

These are just a few of the way that we could do a better job of protecting and caring for at risk children in our country. It's an election year so how about we decide to hold our elected officials accountable for the children of our state? I know I am going to email this story to both Martha Coakley and Charlie Baker, who are the gubernatorial candidates for Massachusetts. What will you do???

Please Say a Prayer for a Child

There are very few times that I've asked someone to send a prayer. I'm just really not the praying type. I prefer to act than to pray but there have been a few instances where I've felt I needed the collective help of the community to solve a problem.

The first time I sent out a prayer request was when I was trying to become a mom and I asked friends and family to pray that an angel would bring me a little boy or girl to love...and believe it or not, just a few months later it happened, and very quickly at that. The Universe heard our prayers apparently.

Three years later I am sending a prayer request for my friend Mama B. She and her husband have been foster parents to "Mickey" since he was 10 months old. They wanted to adopt a baby and when they found out about Mickey, everyone was thrilled beyond belief. He wasn't free yet but at their disclosure meeting, they were told that Mickey was low legal risk and would be available for adoption soon.

Unfortunately, the courts didn't agree and have dragged out the process for over two years now. Bio mom wanted him back and it didn't matter that she was a homeless, drug-addicted prostitute who disappeared for months at a time. The courts decided to give her a chance. Again.

Then last year, bio dad appeared out of nowhere and decided he wanted custody of little Mickey too. Bio Dad was abusive to bio mom. He was also in prison awaiting trial for murder. Not a good guy.

A few months ago, Bio Dad escaped from prison and he's now on the run, living who knows where. My friends found this out when a local police officer knocked on their door and told them to be careful. Apparently Bio Dad had seen some paperwork at the DCF office he wasn't supposed to see and now had the names and address of my friends. They were told Bio Dad was armed and dangerous and could very well be on his way to their house. Of course they packed up their belongings and went to a hotel to be safe, at their own expense, I might add.

They have since gone home and there is no sign of Bio Dad thankfully. However now Bio Dad's Sister has appeared out of the woodwork saying she wants custody of Mickey! Of course Mickey has no idea who she is, as this woman has had no interest in him for the last two years. Also Bio Dad apparently used to store his illegal guns at his sister's house. She's clearly no law abiding citizen here.

The reason I'm asking for prayers now though is because Mickey's trial is next week. If the judge decides to, he will remove Mickey from the only home he's ever known, taken away from parents who love and adore him, to live with complete strangers, just like that.

My friends are scared they will lose the toddler they love with all their heart. We are all also scared for Mickey's safety. He would be leaving a warm, loving home to live in squalor with complete strangers who simply will not love him the way Mama B and her husband do. Mickey hasn't been traumatized by foster care yet but my friends won't be able to protect him any longer from the harsh realities of the world if the courts take him away. And this child so desperately deserves to be protected. He's only 2 years old!

By the way, while all this is going on, my friend Mama B's own father is dying of Cancer. She can't go visit him two states away though because she wants to spend as much time as she can with Mickey in case she loses him next week. The whole story is just too heartbreaking.

That said, I am hoping this story is worthy of a few prayers and all I ask is that you take a moment to pray for the safety of little Mickey and for a positive outcome to this difficult situation.

Thank you very much.

Dear Governor Patrick....Hire ME as DCF Chief!!!

Dear Governor Patrick. Please hire me as the next Director of DCF. I would do a much better job and the kids would all make it out alive and safe. Better than what we have now, that's for sure.

A Little Background
Here in Massachusetts THREE children in nine months have now died in DCF care and finally...FINALLY our lawmakers have decided to fire the head of the Department of Children and Families.

Good LORD in the private sector, you can lose your job if your company doesn't make specific revenue projections but in child welfare three children have to die before the DCF chief will be fired. What is wrong with our state?

The worst case of course was little Jeremiah Oliver, whose little 5 year old body was found in a suitcase along the Mass Pike just a few weeks ago, allegedly beaten to death by his mother's boyfriend. In that case, the DCF worker was fired but the governor stood behind Olga Roche, the director of DCF.

Then two more babies died and in one case, it was because of a total attitude of "I don't give a $hit" and this has made the news as well. Little Aliana Lavigne died because the DCF worker in charge of faxes went on vacation and nobody was in charge of faxes when she wasn't there. Meanwhile, that week, a police officer filed a 51A (report of abuse or neglect) and the fax sat in the DCF office for a week until the worker came back from her sunny vacation, saw it sitting in her inbox and decided to do something about it. Unfortunately it was too late because the baby had already been killed. Sigh.

Now the governor has finally decided to fire Olga Roche but has replaced her with....someone from the Registry of Motor Vehicles? Seriously? Has anyone ever been to the Registry? Are they nice to you when you need to get your license renewed? Do you have to wait in a really long line? Is there bureaucracy? Come on. Seriously. How is it a good idea to hire a "hard working manager" from the Registry of Motor Vehicles to be in charge of ensuring the safety of our most vulnerable citizens??? Talk about a really bad decision. Come on!!!

Dear Governor Patrick. I would like to make a recommendation for the Director of DCF job: Hire me! Seriously...hire me! I come with a host of experience and I'm certainly a better candidate than someone that has just instituted a computer-based system at the Registry of Motor Vehicles.

Why You Should Hire ME
What makes me so special? Well let me tell you:
1. I will put the needs of the children first. Historically, DCF has been all about reunification, even if that was the worst thing for the child. Kids who've been abused both physically and sexually, should not be subjected to further abuse because that is what the parents want. Cut ties with those parents now and give those kids a chance. That's what I would advocate for as Director of DCF.

2. I have technology experience too. I am an experienced Project Manager and Business Analyst. I have implemented CRM systems and Sales Enablement technology at my firm. If DCF is hiring Erin Deveney as interim Chief of DCF based on her experience implementing technology at the Registry, then I would like the governor to know that my experience is even more robust.

3. I understand the issues. I am raising a son I adopted from DCF and I understand what it's like to be a foster child. If I were hired as the Director of DCF, I would work tirelessly to make sure every child gets out of foster care as soon as possible.

4. I would be pro-child's rights and get these kids into happy, stable homes as early as possible. Too many children bounce around the foster care system and then age out of foster care because they're too old to be adopted. Uh uh. Not on my watch. If I were Director of DCF I'd make sure that the state followed an 18-month mandate to get that child either safely reunified or adopted. No more bouncing back and forth.

5. I am pro-Education for birth families. Some birth parents just need to be taught how to be good parents because they did not have strong role models themselves. For that reason, I would require parenting classes of all parents with children in foster care. This is the only way many of these kids could have a successful reunification. Maybe the birth parents are good people underneath it all but just don't know how to be good parents. How about we give it a shot and try to teach them? It sure as heck can't hurt.

6. I have a marketing background and know how to handle the PR machine. Look, DCF has had some awful publicity lately. Some of it is obviously earned but some of it, not so much. With my marketing background I'd use the media to our benefit and do a MUCH better job of controlling the message.

Unlike so many of our legislators, I'd fight for the rights of our children, so how about it Governor Patrick? Are you going to hire me as Director of the Department of Children and Families? I will be awaiting your phone call soon.

For more information on the sad story of children dying in Mass DCF, feel free to click here.

Watch "Removed": An Award Winning Short Film About a Foster Child

A friend posted to my Facebook page earlier this week a link to the award-winning movie "Removed"; the story of what it's like to be a foster child in America. It's only 12 minutes long so I do recommend if you have some time to watch this. The end literally made me cry. Tears and everything.

The story was very realistic. It showed the abuse that this little girl and her brother endured, which caused them to be removed from the mother's custody and placed into separate foster homes. You could see the sadness and confusion on this little girl's face and she was moved from home to home, carrying all her belongings in a garbage bag.  I'll never forget that Christopher's clothes were handed to me in three drawstring garbage bags so this is very true and accurate to real life.

The movie also shows the little girl's anger and the behavioral issues that emerge because she feels she has no control over her life. And it shows the lack of trust these children learn to have. Oh how I can relate to that! For the first year and a half I had him, Christopher didn't trust me and didn't trust his pre-school teachers. He had been taken away before so why get close to these people if they were only going to hurt him? He used to act out in defiance, just willing us to give up on him. The screaming tantrums, the "you're not my favorite mommy" comments, and just acting out, that happened all the time. It was exhausting. Truly exhausting.

The little girl had flashbacks from her old life which shows she probably should have a diagnosis of PTSD. She started screaming when she got a new dress from her foster mom that reminded her of the domestic violence she witnessed at her mom's home. This of course confused the foster mom as she had no idea what caused the outburst.

Christopher has a diagnosis of PTSD and would freak out over thunderstorms, smoke alarms and swimming over the drain at the YMCA pool. I was of course confused as well and his therapists would tell me that there are a lot of experiences this little boy had that I just don't know about. So when he would scream and cry like that over what seems silly to me, I would just comfort him and let him know he was safe.

The movie also showed the conflicted emotions that these children have over visits with their birth mom. In the movie you see the little girl refusing to interact with the mom during a visit. She's angry at her and for good reason. Mom failed to keep her safe.

Christopher's last visit with his birth mom resulted in a screaming tantrum when we got home and a punch in my eye. For a three year old, he has a remarkable strong right hook, let me tell you. He was angry though because his mother had told him out of spite that he was going to be given away again and that this wasn't his forever home. She was angry that she couldn't have her child so she wanted to hurt him, which of course is a big reason why she couldn't have her child. I mean seriously, who does that? That one comment messed with his head for months, by the way. It was probably the single worst thing she could have said to him at the time.

Like the little girl in this movie though, Christopher eventually began to heal and to trust. We still have our struggles and I still often have to remind Christopher that this is his forever home but at least now he believes me when I tell him.

I don't want to give away the end of the movie but I do want to say...it made me tear up. You need to see it for yourself.

To watch "ReMoved", please click here.

Massachusetts DCF Endangers Children

In 2012, an independent assessment of the Massachusetts Department of Children and Families determined that our state was doing a terrible job of caring for at risk children: Here are some scary statistics:

• 2011, 40 children died while in state care
• 1 in 5 children experienced abuse or neglect while in state care
• More than 50 percent of children in care have been prescribed psychotropic drugs
• DCF workers fail to make 25% of their required monthly visits to families in care
• More than 18% of children reunited with parents were removed again due to new claims of abuse and neglect
• The number of foster placements for one child is extremely high, going as high as 20 placements for one child

Ultimately, Massachusetts is doing a worse job of caring for its at risk children than departments in 40 out of the 50 US states. 

This is not all. In 2010 the state was sued (Connor B. v. Patrick), alleging that children suffer four times higher abuse here in MA than they do in the rest of the country. In 2013 a federal judge found that MA DCF "failed not only to comport with national standards...but also to comply with its own internal policies." Judge Judy Brown actually asked of DCF, "Do you care?" 

So, armed with recommendations from the assessment and under pressure to comply with federal laws, what did the state do? Nothing. The result: Jeremiah Oliver is missing and presumed dead and who knows how many more children have been hurt.

Now of course,  the media is adding more pressure and it's an election year, so suddenly the solutions are coming in. Attorney General Martha Coakley, who is running for governor, wants to enact a Child Protection Agency within DCF to serve the children deemed most at risk. She has finally stated that children's needs have to come ahead of the needs of the abusive parents. This is from the Boston Herald:

“Right now, a child who is the victim of abuse or neglect may not have someone involved in his or her case who looks out only for the child’s safety,” Coakley said. “During my career, I have seen, day in and day out, how the current structure of DCF puts children at risk and overburdens social workers; the creation of an independent Child Protection Division will go a long way towards addressing these issues.”

Of course this is true but I now ask this of Martha Coakley: Why did you wait until Jeremiah Oliver was dead to come up with an actual solution? If you've known this was an issue throughout your career, why didn't you do something sooner? You're the state's Attorney General. You should have done something. Instead you did nothing and now a little boy is (probably) dead. Shame on you.

Meanwhile, as Martha Coakley devises solutions, the current governor pretends that our current problems are one-off experiences. Governor Deval Patrick, says the issue is not systemic however he's now willing to spend taxpayer money on an outside study to assess the current state of the Massachusetts Department of Children and Families. The cost for this assessment: $40,000. Did I mention that this study was already thoroughly accomplished by Children's Rights in 2012? Why do we need another one and why do we need to spend taxpayer dollars on it? Let's instead put that $40K someplace it will do some good. If money needs to come out of someone's pocket, let it come out of millionaire Deval Patrick's pockets.

All I can do is hope that the pressure that the media is putting on this case actually makes some positive change in Massachusetts because if left to our elected officials, clearly nothing happens. The only silver lining to any of this is that we might be able to make things better for kids in the future.

A Heartbreaking Story: Jeremiah Oliver

5 year old Jeremiah Oliver

Here in Massachusetts a heartbreaking story has dominated the headlines the last few weeks: the story of little Jeremiah Oliver, who has been missing since September and is feared dead.

The story is horrible all around. The mother lived with a boyfriend who was beating her and beating the children. The family was under the supervision of the Department of Children and Families but the social worker ignored her responsibilities and hadn't seen the children since last spring. The supervisors knew this and not only allowed this but...gave the social worker a promotion and a raise!

The social worker was so, so very negligent. She hadn't visited the children in the better part of a year. The little boy's teacher had also called the social worker to say that the mom told her that the boy had moved to Florida to live with the grandparents. But the social worker never followed up. The little boy was probably already dead by then but there were siblings and they kept getting abused for the rest of the year.

It wasn't until the sister told a counselor at her school in December that she was being beaten and that her brother was missing. Then finally the police got involved. The boyfriend and mom were arrested, the children put into foster care and a search went underway to locate the little boy. He is feared dead. And at this point his body will probably never be found.

It is so heartbreaking to think of what this little boy went through in the last few months of his life. No one even tried to keep this handsome little boy safe. Not the mother who stood by and watched while the children she loved were savagely beaten. Not DCF who really should have known better. Not the extended family who cried on camera to the media after the fact but did nothing when it could have actually made a difference. No one.

When Christopher was still a foster child, I had to have monthly visits with his social worker and she would not allow me to stop, no matter how difficult they were. She told me she had to see Christopher every single month, even if it was just for five minutes, to ensure he was being kept safe. In our case, it was tough because every time Christopher saw her, he thought she was coming to take him away so I'd have to suffer through terrible outbursts for days afterwards as he dealt with all the emotions. I understood though and thought well, if this helped to keep other kids safe then we'll just have to suck it up for now.

Christopher last week on vacation

Christopher looks so much like Jeremiah and all I could think while this was all happening was how this could have been him, if not for the grace of God. Christopher saw a picture of Jeremiah on the news when we were in a restaurant a few weeks ago and he even asked me if that was a picture of himself. I almost cried at the thought.

There are 40,000 children under the care of the Department of Children and Families here in Massachusetts. 30,000 are children receiving services, meaning that social workers are supposed to visit all those children on a monthly basis. We simply do not have enough social workers to manage those levels of responsible care and I wonder how many more children are falling through the cracks because the social worker caseloads are so overwhelming.

My friend who has a pre-adoptive child in the same Fitchburg DCF officed, asked her little guy's social worker about this case. He told her that the caseloads are truly overwhelming but that this didn't surprise him about this particular social worker. Lovely. So just how many social workers are out there like this particular social worker? That's the million dollar question.

I hope Governor Patrick decides to hire more social workers and make sure they are held accountable for their responsibilities. That's the only way cases like Jeremiah Oliver will never happen again. This system is broken and so poorly funded and it's the kids who end up suffering in the worst possible way. Rest in peace little Jeremiah. My heart breaks for you and all the other kids out there like you.

Tis the Season for Giving

This week, my company, which is a very big supporter of giving back to the community, kicked off its firm-wide United Way pledge campaign. The Partners have made it fun to participate by initiating competitions by floor and offering daily drawing for prizes to people who've donated. So far, my floor is in the lead for the tricycle relay race time and all I can say is....the 9th floor rules. Woo hoo!

Representatives from the United Way also came into the story to share the sad tale of a young man growing up under the care of a crack-addicted mother, then bounced around the foster care system, finally landing with his ailing grandmother on a fixed income, failing at school and ultimately turning it all around to become a self-sustaining member of society, thanks to the United Way. Yay to the United Way. Here's my check.

I know I sound a little sarcastic there but as a former foster mom and now adoptive mom, the story really kind of pissed me off. Why? It pissed me off for a couple of reasons: The first is that the foster care system is just broken in so many ways. This child should have been removed from his mother's care when he was born and (most likely) tested for drugs right after birth. There are SO many people out there who want to adopt and this woman was clearly an unfit mother. Yet the state kept taking this child away for a period of time, then giving him back, only to have to take him away again. This reminds me of one of my favorite sayings: Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Under this definition, our state child protection agency is acting totally insane. Scary thought, right?

There are so many people who would be thrilled to adopt a baby from foster care and who would give that child a safe, happy, healthy home. Why does the state continuously give kids back to parents who cannot for whatever reason care for them? We really need to set the bar higher here.

The United Way presentation also bothered me because they were asking me for money for stuff that should already be paid for by my tax dollars. I'm all for donating to kids in need but not if I'm going to be throwing my money away into some dark black hole.

For example, the United Way wants to raise funds for this accomplished young man to go to college, so they came to my firm and asked us all to donate towards that goal. That sounds admirable unless you know that this young man, who has spent time in the MA foster care system, can already go to any MA state university or college free of charge. Here in Massachusetts the program is called: The DCF Foster Child Tuition Waiver and Fee Assistance Program. Many other states offer similar programs and many colleges will provide scholarships to foster kids. There is also Federal funding available. So basically this kid could go to Harvard free of charge, if he so chooses. Why am I giving money to the United Way then?

Also the United Way's story talked about how this young man didn't have enough food because his grandmother was on a fixed income and she couldn't afford to feed him. And that would be why he had to drop out of school...so he could get a job that allowed him to eat. Once again, here in MA there are programs available to this young man through our tax dollars so why are we double paying through donations to the United Way. This grandmother should be getting a daily stipend from the state if she's legally caring for her grandson. Also, she could apply for food stamps and free housing. It won't be glamorous housing but it will be a roof over their heads and they will be warm and dry. Lastly, the city of Boston has recently started offering free lunches to all kids attending public school so all grandma has to do is feed her son breakfast and dinner. Lunch is paid for courtesy of our tax dollars. That's on top of the aid grandma already qualifies for as a legal foster care guardian.

One of the reasons I love living in Massachusetts is because there are so many services available to foster parents and to adoptive foster parents. I get free MassHealth for my son and I will now re-apply for my stipend again because we have a medical diagnosis and I will most likely qualify for state funding because of it. Through MassHealth I can get Christopher weekly therapy, a therapeutic mentor, care at one of the nation's top children's hospitals for his ADHD (Boston Children's Hospital), medication and dental care. I just took Christopher to the dentist, got four cavities filled, all for free. It was great. (Well great for me. Christopher screamed at the top of his lungs the entire time.) With rising health insurance costs, this all comes in very handy and allows me to get my kiddo the help he needs to heal from his history of trauma.

Bah Humbug?

Just so you know, I'm not all bah humbug about donating to charity. If the United Way can funnel my donations to an agency of my choosing, I'm happy to donate. If not I will just find a charity on my own because I know there is LOTS of need out there. The people of the Philippines for example are in dire need after a hurricane came through and decimated much of the country. I just want to make sure that my donations are going to a cause that will truly help those in need, as opposed to just throwing money at people that just need to make a little bit of effort to help themselves. I'm all for a hand UP...not a hand OUT.

So I guess what I'm saying is, this holiday season, it's important to remember those around you who are in need. Be thankful for what you have and donate freely. But first, make sure to perform your due diligence and make sure the agency receiving your money is worthy of the funds. I don't know about you but I don't have a ton of money and I want to make sure that the money I donate really is going towards a good cause

A great place to check out how well your charities measure in giving the money you donate to those who could actually benefit from it is The Better Business Bureau.

Foster Kids and ADHD

I just read an article that cited a Canadian study that found kids who come from "unstable families" have a higher "stress thermostat" set in hyper-vigilant mode. This results in a heightened sense of fight or flight, sleep deprivation, wired nerves and ADHD, especially in young boys.

This is so 100% Christopher. His therapists have actually used the words hyper-vigilant when describing him to me. Poor kid had a very difficult life with his birth mother. He was forcibly yanked away from her by police in what must have been a terrifying episode involving lots of yelling, flashing lights, sirens and loaded weapons all in his little terrified 2 year old face. Then he was bounced from foster home to foster home to foster home, confused, alone, without any one single stable person in his life. This little kid believed no one would look out for him and he became hyper-vigilant to his surroundings because even at the age of two, he believed he had to look out for himself. Makes total sense to me.

This hyper-vigilance made it difficult for me to decide that he had to have ADHD. I thought if I gave him time along with a lot of stability, love and patience, that his impulsiveness would ebb away. And in some ways it did. A year ago, Christopher couldn't even stand in the bathroom to brush his teeth. I'd hand him his toothbrush, he'd grab it and run out of the room, with me behind him yelling to come back. This happened every single day.

I had to double lock every door of the house because Christopher used to run outside into the street if he felt like it. I also couldn't walk down the street with Christopher initially because he was so impulsive, he'd run away from me and into the street. Thank the Lord nothing ever happened to him. However, I did always tell his social worker what was going on because God forbid, something ever did happen to this child, I wanted to make sure she knew I wouldn't have been at fault. I really thought it was that serious.

Christopher fits into other risk factors as well:

• He was born a month early. According to a Swedish study, children who were born prematurely run a higher risk of contracting ADHD. This is because their little brains are not yet developed enough to navigate the modern world and neuro pathways end up forming incorrectly. Preemies experience heightened neo-natal pain, separation from mom (due to incubators), lots of lights and beeping sounds and sometimes this is overwhelming for the underdeveloped little tyke.
• Christopher was born into poverty. His father was an illegal alien who was deported from the country when he was just a baby. His mother was poor and probably did not feed him nutritionally balanced meals. (Since Christopher exhibits food hoarding symptoms at times, it's pretty obvious neglect meant little to no food during important growth times). Poor people tend to feed their kids more processed foods and fewer fish and veggies. All this can affect the development of a child's brain
• Christopher was born to a mentally ill mother. His birth mother, although never tested, suffered from some form of mental illness; probably something of the bi-polar variety. Mental illness is unfortunately often hereditary so it makes perfect sense that Christopher would suffer some sort of illness that could be found in the DSM-IV.

So fast forward to today and I am not at all shocked that all this instability, poverty and history of mental illness has resulted in an ADHD diagnosis in Christopher. Frankly, we're lucky that it's not worse than it is. Christopher's illness responds very well to both medication and diet and for that I am thankful. He is smart, a successful student, an outstanding athlete and he has many friends. He even told me he has a girlfriend in his Kindergarten class. Considering the background this kid comes from he's doing phenomenally well.

If you're interested in learning more about the causes of ADHD, feel free to click here and here.

Happy Forever Family Anniversary!

Christopher and I ready to come home: Oct. 1, 2011

Today marks the two-year anniversary of Christopher coming to live with me. Happy anniversary little man! Mama loves you!

I remember that day like it was yesterday. My heart was pounding in my chest and I don't think I had slept in a week by that point. I was a single woman who was all the sudden getting a child. I was freaked out!

Christopher was such a sweet, brave little boy. I'll never forget watching him say goodbye to his foster mom after she snapped him safely into his car seat. He cried. She cried. I cried. My heart broke for this little boy who was losing someone he truly loved and who barely knew the person he would now call "mom". I knew that I would give him a great home but he didn't know that yet. I just wanted to hug him and tell him it would all be all right.

There have been a whole lot of ups and downs over the last two years and there have been more than a few times where I wondered if I could do this a minute longer. But I always made it through and here we are on the other side, so much of a stronger family for all our hard work.

I told Christopher that I would buy him a present from Amazon as an anniversary gift. He wants some new Angry Birds action figures, since the dog chewed up his old ones. So since he's asked me about 10 times to go online, I'll go do that now. Have a great night!

My Effort at Foster Child Advocacy

For the Love of Children

I've been reading a lot of blog posts as well as comments from foster parents (some who have adopted their foster kids) and birth parents who have lost their kids but funny enough, I don't see anything being written by people like myself; people who specifically sought to adopt (not foster) a child who needed a home.

I have the utmost respect for foster parents because that is a really hard, often thankless job. You're caring for someone else's broken children and you're the one left to pick up the pieces and put them back together again. These kids are often angry at their situation and suffering either physically or emotionally (or both) from the abuse that they suffered at way too young an age. In addition, you're dealing with over-worked social workers and a system that is horribly broken and in my humble opinion, heavily weighted in favor of the birth parents who have caused all this pain in the first place. I tip my hat to you foster parents. You are true angels walking on this earth.

I have read the birth parents' perspectives and I try to feel sorry for them...but I just can't. I can't be anything but angry at what they have done to their children; at the utter selfishness they exhibit on a near constant basis. They hurt their children in horribly inexplicable ways and then blame everyone else but themselves for the outcome.

Case in point, Christopher's mother called DCF "Baby Snatchers" and would scream at and even assault social workers because they took her child away. Christopher's mom's social worker had a protective order in place because the bio mom had indeed attacked her. We also had to have our court-mandated visits with a security guard in the room in case she attacked the workers during a visit. Yeah, it was that bad.

However the bio mom failed to recognize the extreme danger she put her son in when she robbed a chain store with him in tow. Nor does she acknowledge the fact that she put his life at risk when she took police on a high speed car chase through crowded city streets in an effort to escape capture. She literally could have killed them both. But yeah, let's blame DCF.

In my early adoption journey, I got to hear about and meet so many children who have been through hell and back, all at the hands of the people who are supposed to love them and protect them. My heart breaks for these children and I am so angry at the people who hurt them. I just can't have sympathy for them.

One day I met a beautiful 15-year-old girl who had a little toddler sister, to be adopted together. I inquired with my social worker about them and was told how the older girl had been raped and impregnated by her own father and that the toddler was the offspring. The girls were still a legal risk, meaning the birth parents continued to fight to maintain their parental rights. Yep that's right..you can rape your daughter and still get to keep your kid until the state jumps through years' worth of expensive hoops to terminate rights. Meanwhile, the kids get victimized over and over again and all you can do is sit by and watch. It's horrible and it's just not right.

My own social worker used to work in the foster side of care and she told us stories about having to bring kids to visit parents in jail for molesting them. Often times, the parents are in jail for a year or two and then they get their kids back and start the abuse all over again. The social workers see what's going on but their hands are tied by laws that heavily favor birth parents and all they can do is watch it unfold. The well-trained social workers see the signs of abuse but these kids are too young to verbalize what's going on so a credible claim can't be made against the parents. So the courts side with the birth parents and the abuser gets to continue victimizing their kids without consequence. I asked my social worker how she handled watching that and she said that's the reason she switched over to foster adoption. At least these kids have a chance at a happily ever after. The kids in foster care have years of physical and emotional pain to look forward to and she just couldn't stomach it anymore.

I have a friend who was a foster parent initially but then switched over to adoption track for the same reason. She and her husband cared for a little girl and totally fell in love with the adorable toddler. The mother eventually got the little girl back and my friends cried over the loss, as any normal parent would. She cried even harder after the little girl died in her mother's care and she wasn't even allowed to attend the funeral. According to the mom, the child had a high fever and then had a seizure and died. The mother claims she called 911 but that an ambulance never came. (Um yeah right.) These are poor people so no autopsy was ever performed so who knows what really happened. My guess is the baby got a hold of some of mom's drugs, OD'd and died. That's just speculation but considering the scenario, not an unlikely one. The sad thing is, this child had been in a safe, loving home but the state wanted her reunited with her bio mom because that was supposedly in the best interests of the child. How dying on your living room floor is in anyone's best interest is really beyond me. But that's the mindset right now.

The same friend now has a toddler boy in her care. Wow he is a cutie! They are trying to adopt him but are fighting his birth mom, who wants to retain parental rights. Birth mom is a drug-addicted, homeless prostitute but all she has to do is show up to monthly visits (that her social worker escorts her to) and occasionally look presentable in court and her rights are maintained; for now at least. Meanwhile it's my friend and her husband giving this child a safe and loving home. The happy, safe, loving little guy could end up losing everything he has to go live in a homeless shelter with a woman he barely knows, if the bio mom chooses to make that effort. My friend and her husband live in fear every day that the child they adore could be taken away from them by a system that heavily favors birth parents, no matter how horribly unstable they may be. Unfortunately, their experiences have some historical merit so I certainly can't tell them their fears are unfounded. All I can do is support them best I can.

In theory, I feel sorry for the parents because they're so obviously damaged themselves. Maybe they're mentally ill, drug addicted or have been horribly abused as children themselves. But that sympathy ends when I see what they are doing to their kids because of their own personal demons. God has entrusted these people with beautiful, trusting, adoring gifts and they are abusing that trust over and over again. At some point the cycle needs to stop! And we as a compassionate Christian society need to find a way to stop it. I wish I knew how to enact change but I'm just an over-worked single career mom doing what I can to get by. Besides blogging about it during my one free hour a week, what can I do?

The only comfort I'm able to derive in all of this is that my own little boy is safe and loved and wants for nothing. Right now he is playing in his room with his new Angry Birds Jenga game, without a care in the world. Yesterday he played soccer in the town's youth league and then had swim class at the YMCA and after that we met some friends at the Science Museum for an afternoon of fun learning. He is a happy little boy! This is a far cry from the scared and lonely two year old, who in intensive foster care, banged his head against walls so badly that his caregivers were afraid he was giving himself a concussion. Thankfully he has very few memories of his past life and that's exactly how I want it to be.

And now I need to go play Angry Birds Jenga with this happy little boy who has been begging me for the last hour to get off of my computer and go play with him. So I am off to enjoy a rainy Sunday with my little family.

Advocacy and Social Media

I have quite a few friends on Facebook who actively promote the rescue of dogs and cats from shelters. God bless these people for what they do. I adopted a dog just a few months ago from a rescue organization so I do what I can to help as well.

But it kind of surprises me that there isn’t a single person on Facebook advocating for children. Dogs, yes. Cats, check. But kids…nope.

Why is that? Is it just easier to save dogs from a shelter? Do people figure that Social Services is going to take care of kids so they don’t have to? Is it because the dogs and cats are at risk of being put to sleep and kids are not? I have no idea.

There are of course organizations with pages on Facebook that you can "like" that advocate for foster kids. For example there's the Massachusetts Adoption Resource Exchange (MARE) and the Foster Adoptive Mission. I "like" them both and they share some great information, both at times inspiring at at other times heartbreaking. But these are sponsored organizations and I am talking about friends who have passions for non-profit work. 

As many posts as I see a day on dog and cat rescue, I wish I saw just one on kid rescue. I post photos all the time and my friends do love them so maybe it’s just left to me to be that person now. Hence the blog I guess. Here I am getting our message out on love and the forever family.

The Dangers of Parental Visitation

There's a story in the news today that a father killed his son and then himself while on a supervised visit in Manchester, NH. These stories make me sad because I can relate all too well. The courts mandate these visits with crazy, violent parents and then everyone wonders how something could have possibly gone wrong. It's just mind boggling sometimes.

Before Christopher's birth mother lost all parental rights, I used to have to take Christopher to supervised visits at the DCF office near her house. This was three hours away from our house and obviously a strain for both Christopher and myself. There was six hours in a car plus the stress and confusion of dealing with a parental visit. Never fun on a good day.

I had asked if we could move these visits to an office closer to us but his social worker said no. She was concerned about her safety.  Apparently mom was violent and she didn't know what the mom would do so all visits required an armed guard in the room. The mother's social worker actually had a protective order in place because she had been attacked by the mother. And this is someone I had to bring my child to on a monthly basis? Sigh.

The social workers never worried about Christopher's safety, only their own. However Christopher's social worker did tell me to be careful as well and warned me to stay clear of any place where we might run into his family members. So after the visits, instead of stopping for dinner, we would high tail it back onto the highway and out of town back home.

Thankfully nothing physical ever happened during Christopher's visits but the threat of violence was always there. I think it's crazy that I even had to bring him to visits with such an unstable person. But lucky for us, she lost parental rights soon thereafter and we've never seen her since.

As for the little boy in Manchester, NH, may you rest in peace Joshua Savyon. I hope you are in a better place.

To read more about this story, please click here.