Watch "Removed": An Award Winning Short Film About a Foster Child

A friend posted to my Facebook page earlier this week a link to the award-winning movie "Removed"; the story of what it's like to be a foster child in America. It's only 12 minutes long so I do recommend if you have some time to watch this. The end literally made me cry. Tears and everything.

The story was very realistic. It showed the abuse that this little girl and her brother endured, which caused them to be removed from the mother's custody and placed into separate foster homes. You could see the sadness and confusion on this little girl's face and she was moved from home to home, carrying all her belongings in a garbage bag.  I'll never forget that Christopher's clothes were handed to me in three drawstring garbage bags so this is very true and accurate to real life.

The movie also shows the little girl's anger and the behavioral issues that emerge because she feels she has no control over her life. And it shows the lack of trust these children learn to have. Oh how I can relate to that! For the first year and a half I had him, Christopher didn't trust me and didn't trust his pre-school teachers. He had been taken away before so why get close to these people if they were only going to hurt him? He used to act out in defiance, just willing us to give up on him. The screaming tantrums, the "you're not my favorite mommy" comments, and just acting out, that happened all the time. It was exhausting. Truly exhausting.

The little girl had flashbacks from her old life which shows she probably should have a diagnosis of PTSD. She started screaming when she got a new dress from her foster mom that reminded her of the domestic violence she witnessed at her mom's home. This of course confused the foster mom as she had no idea what caused the outburst.

Christopher has a diagnosis of PTSD and would freak out over thunderstorms, smoke alarms and swimming over the drain at the YMCA pool. I was of course confused as well and his therapists would tell me that there are a lot of experiences this little boy had that I just don't know about. So when he would scream and cry like that over what seems silly to me, I would just comfort him and let him know he was safe.

The movie also showed the conflicted emotions that these children have over visits with their birth mom. In the movie you see the little girl refusing to interact with the mom during a visit. She's angry at her and for good reason. Mom failed to keep her safe.

Christopher's last visit with his birth mom resulted in a screaming tantrum when we got home and a punch in my eye. For a three year old, he has a remarkable strong right hook, let me tell you. He was angry though because his mother had told him out of spite that he was going to be given away again and that this wasn't his forever home. She was angry that she couldn't have her child so she wanted to hurt him, which of course is a big reason why she couldn't have her child. I mean seriously, who does that? That one comment messed with his head for months, by the way. It was probably the single worst thing she could have said to him at the time.

Like the little girl in this movie though, Christopher eventually began to heal and to trust. We still have our struggles and I still often have to remind Christopher that this is his forever home but at least now he believes me when I tell him.

I don't want to give away the end of the movie but I do want to say...it made me tear up. You need to see it for yourself.

To watch "ReMoved", please click here.

Dealing with the schools: Taking Precautions or Overreacting?

I said something to my son the other day about showing empathy to other kids. He didn't know what the word "empathy" meant (he's in Kindergarten) so I explained to him that "empathy" is like when a classmate is having a rough time and crying and if he went and hugged the classmate, that meant his was being "empathetic" towards his classmate.

Christopher's response was, "but mama, we're not allowed to hug people in school." I said, "you're not?" And he said, "yes no hugs." I have to admit I thought that was a little sad. And it got me thinking too.

I've heard a lot of stories in the news lately about how schools are creating rigid rules that are designed to keep kids safe but I wonder if they're just a little bit over the top? Here is a quick list of some of the things that I've heard are being banned in US public schools now:

• Dodge Ball (because kids could get hurt)
• Post game handshakes and Tag (because a fight could break out)
• Playing with balls during recess
• Sharing lunches (because some kid might have an allergic reaction)
• Hugging (because it could turn into inappropriate touching)
• Party Invitations (because a child's feelings might get hurt if they aren't invited)
• Homemade lunches (because the school believes it can provide healthier food choices)
• Milk (seriously?)

I tend to think some of this is over the top. I was allowed to hug my friends when I was little and I turned out okay. We also got to play dodge ball, four square, kick ball and all sorts of other sports with balls and to my knowledge, no one was ever seriously hurt playing outside during recess.

A friend posted an article on Facebook about a month ago, about a school in New Zealand that is going the opposite route with kids. They are letting kids go outside and have fun without a ton of rules and are finding that the kids are paying more attention in class and that bullying and vandalism are down in numbers.

Why? I think it's because kids are allowed to get their energy out (instead of sitting for long periods of time without break) and they are learning how to make mistakes in a safe, structured environment. When we act like helicopter parents (or in this case helicopter teachers and administrators) our kids don't have the opportunity to work through situations on their own. 

According to the article: "AUT professor of public health Grant Schofield, who worked on the team leading the study, said children develop their brain's frontal lobe when they are taking risks, which allows them to calculate consequences."

So basically what he is saying that when we coddle our children we aren't letting their brains develop correctly. That's a little scary to think about as a parent.

Someday our kids are going to grow up and they're going to have to make big decisions that will have consequences for themselves and for others. Isn't it better to teach kids to discern right from wrong now than to wait for them to be out in the great big world and have to say, now what? 

My own son is very impulsive. This comes from his years in foster care and I genuinely think because of all the trauma he experienced, that his brain didn't quite develop correctly. I will say that with lots of work on my part, as well as on the part of his teachers and of his therapy team, that he is doing much much better. I mean seriously much better. There was a time that I would worry about Christopher opening the front door and running out into the street. Now I don't worry about that at all because his brain development has definitely caught up with his age. He has not liked all the time outs he gets for making bad choices. But he's learning and that's what I want for my child. I do think that the schools are short-changing our kids a bit by enforcing so many rules. Kids will be kids...if we let them.

I Love Three Day Weekends

Happy Presidents Day everyone! Today is a three-day weekend for me and school vacation week for the kiddo. The downtime feels so nice.

It's funny how three-day weekends used to be times to plan short trips to visit friends and experience adventures within driveable locations. Now three-day weekends mean I can get everything done I need to get done without completely exhausting myself.

This past week was rough because we had not one but two snowstorms so in addition to my normal crazy schedule, I also had to add in longer commuting times and shoveling to my day.

For example, here was my last Thursday, when we got 4 inches of snow throughout the day:

• Woke up at 5:30am -- 15 minutes before the alarm
• Bundled up and took the dog out for a 15 minute walk
• Back at home got myself ready for work and the kiddo ready for school
• Drove the kiddo to school
• Commuted by train in the bitter cold into downtown Boston for work
• Put in a full day of work
• Commuted (slowly) back to our town
• Went grocery shopping
• Picked up the kiddo
• Came home and walked the dog
• Spent 45 minutes shoveling the driveway in the cold and dark
• Went back inside and made dinner
• Fed and bathed the kiddo
• Read books before bedtime then tucked the kiddo in 
• Bundled up one more time to take the dog out to do his thing
• Came home, put PJs on and climbed into bed
• Was asleep by 9:30

So yes you can see why this long weekend was so appreciated. I actually stayed in bed until 8am today! Sure the kiddo came in and tried to get me up at 6:45 and then again at 7:15 but I held firm and got that much needed rest regardless of his "pay attention to me" efforts.

Also, my house is actually clean enough where I'd feel comfortable letting an outsider come visit. It's not spotless by any means but I spent enough time sweeping, doing laundry, organizing and de-cluttering that I feel satisfied. For now at least.

I've already completed my grocery shopping for the week and make crock pot meals for lunch and dinner for the next several days. Even the dishes, pots and pans have been cleaned and the counter tops wiped so we're good to go there too.

And last but not least, the kiddo and I are having fun! On Saturday we went to a friend's house and played in the park, where we built a snow fort. 

Yesterday we went sledding. And today we will go ice skating on the Frog Pond. Fun times right?

So I am glad for the three-day weekend and I wish I could somehow manage working four days a week but unfortunately this mama has a mortgage and bills to pay. I think once it stops snowing every other day (literally) it will be easier to manage the routine. Apparently we're getting another storm tomorrow, which makes me kind of want to cry. But at least I will be well rested and it will be a shorter haul to next weekend. And the good news is that the weather's warming up to high 40s during the week and that will make life infinitely easier as well. Soooo looking forward to that!

School Rules: Keeping Kids Safe or Overreacting?

I had a rough Monday with the kiddo's school and it really got me thinking about the role that schools play in caring for our children vs what parents want for our children.

Early Monday morning, I got a call from Christopher's Kindergarten teacher. She told me that she noticed an scabbed-over injury on Christopher's wrist and she wanted to know what it was. An injury? I was confused. Don't all little boys get scrapes and scabs on them? I didn't know what it was off the top of my head. He'd been active all weekend, with a play date at Imajine That on Saturday and 90 minutes of soccer on Sunday. It really could have happened at any time. On top of that, really what business is it of hers to call me and ask why my highly active 6 year old son had a boo boo?

When I told her I wasn't sure what it was as it really could have come from anywhere, she tosses out, "well it looks like a cigarette burn to me and I'm going to take Christopher down to the nurse's office to have it assessed."

I'm sorry...what? A cigarette burn??? I very pointedly told her that there was no way Christopher had a cigarette burn on his wrist. And I certainly didn't appreciate the insinuation that I'm burning my child with cigarettes. She told me, "well I just have to be honest with you." And then she said she was off to the nurse's office to have Christopher's wrist examined.

I got off the phone and asked my manager sitting next to me, "did I just get accused of child abuse?" Not only am I wondering what the hell this injury is but now I have to worry that the school is launching an investigation into my parenting? Seriously?

I was pretty upset about this so I called the Principal. He said he would look into it. About half an hour later, he called me back and told me that the nurse deemed the injury to be a "scrape". I literally laughed out loud. A scrape? I am upset, wasting time out of my busy work day with back and forth with the school because my active 6 year old has a scrape on his wrist? This is how we best use our time?

I spoke with the teacher and the Para at the end of the day and was told that whenever a child has a visible injury (bump, bruise or scrape, etc.) that the teacher will call the parent to find out what it is and if she doesn't get the answers she needs from the parents, she will escalate by taking the child to the school nurse and the assistant principal to have the injury assessed. So yes, after I wasn't immediately forthcoming, my child's 1/4" scab was assessed by both the school nurse and the assistant principal.

Oh and when I spoke to the teacher she said, "we have noticed another injury...between his fingers." You know what that turned out to be? Magic marker! Seriously. They are investigating coloring injuries now. Talk about overreacting.

Okay so no one understands the importance of keeping kids safe more than I do. I became a mom to Christopher because his birth mom was not able to keep him safe. However, there are ways to handle this and there are ways to overreact. And the school, in my opinion, overreacted.

Do you really need to know what every scrape is? Really? I would suggest taking that sort of notification down a notch.

Also, perhaps treat the parent like a partner and not as a child abuser. A little kindness on the phone goes a long way: "hey Miss Ecker, I'm just calling to check on Christopher. He seems to have some sort of a scrape on his wrist and we like to follow up on things like that, if that's okay. Do you remember how he got hurt?" Leave out any mention of a cigarette burn if in fact you have no idea what it is. Especially if you haven't even seen the nurse yet. The teacher told me Christopher has a cigarette burn but the nurse said it was a scrape. Those are two very, very different things.

For the record, when I picked Christopher up, he remembered that he got the scrape when he was going down the slide on his belly at Imajine That. This is an indoor playspace near our house where we had a play date last weekend. He didn't tell me about it at the time because it didn't hurt. And he didn't want to stop having fun.

Christopher loves his Kindergarten Para and he feels comfortable in his class. He likes his friends and the structure of the classroom. So I'm not going to move him into another class. However, I will say that this experience was rough for me. I work very hard to give Christopher a good life and you know, a little positive reinforcement would be kind of nice. I don't ask for praise but I could sure live without unverified accusations, thank you very much.

Anyway, as I told the teacher on Monday afternoon, I'd like to put this behind us and move on. There are only a few more months in this school year and let's just get through it shall we? I'm not happy but I'm no going to keep being upset so I might as well just move on. I learned a little something about dealing with the schools this week though and I won't forget that, that's for sure.

How Do You Get a Picky Eater to Eat?

My son takes a stimulant medication for his ADHD and it has done wonders to control his focus and his behavioral issues. The downside of it though is that it suppresses appetite. He is also very sensory specific and that translates into being a "picky" eater. He doesn't like anything mushy, ingredients cannot touch each other and there is an entire range of tastes that he just does not like. So with all of that, I have a heck of a time getting the little guy to eat.

Christopher had a wellness check at the doctor's the other day and we learned that he's grown a few inches but has actually lost weight since his last visit. She was concerned about this, to say the least. I am as well.

Today I haven't even given him his meds yet in the hopes that I could get him to eat but I'm not having much luck here either. I even pulled out the blender and thought maybe I could make him some tasty yogurt smoothies that were chock full of protein and vitamins.

The first one I made had greek yogurt, a banana, dutch chocolate, peanut butter and milk. I blended and presented to the kiddo in a glass. He took one sip and said yuck. He didn't like that it smelled like peanut butter. So I drank it. I thought it was tasty actually.

He said he would drink it if I made it with fruit. So I made him a fruit smoothie with banana, greek yogurt. a frozen triple berry blend and protein powder. I thought it tasted great. Once again...yuck from him.

I asked him what he didn't like about it. All he said was that he didn't like the taste. Ugh.

So this time I really stripped it down. Now it's just milk, the triple berry blend and a very small amount of greek yogurt. And you know what? Finally. The kid likes it! Whew.

So it's not nearly as fattening as I would like it to be--the peanut butter or banana would have been a great addition--but maybe I can start with this and start sneaking in little bits of other stuff as he adjusts to the taste. I might try Almond Milk when he's not looking. A coworker suggested I add half and half but I'm not sure how that would taste with the fruit? Could taste like a fruity berry ice cream. Sounds good actually.

When Your Son Doesn't Believe This is his Forever Home

What do you do when your adopted son from foster care tells you that he doesn't believe this is his forever home?

Ever since Christopher's therapy services ended, the lack of consistency for him has caused him to doubt his stability here. Just this morning over breakfast, Christopher looked down and admitted, "I don't believe this is my forever home. I think you're going to send me back to foster care".

How freaking heartbreaking is it that my child believes this?

I tell him all the time...I mean ALL the time...that I love him and that this is his forever home. I ask him if he believes me though and he tells me no. I honestly don't know what else to do.

His teacher tells me he appears to be depressed at school. She said he often cries and that she and the two Paras will try to make him smile.

I also know that when I get upset with him, he thinks I'm going to give him away right then and there. I try to explain to him that sometimes little boys don't make good choices and that makes mommies upset. But as his momma I will always love him. He just doesn't believe me and that's what makes it so hard.

I do have Christopher signed up for new therapy services through the school so that will start soon. I think this will actually be a better fit for him and I'm highly optimistic for him. The therapist has been with the school for 16 years and told me that she's not going anywhere. This will provide Christopher with the consistency going forward that he desperately needs.

Also I think she's a little more seasoned than the previous ones I had (they were both in their 20) and I think understands how to really truly help. I think that the other therapists understood the issue but were more about solving for the immediate need than about long-term therapeutic care. When I would say Christopher struggles with believing that this is his forever home, I would get told that this is something that he'll have to work through his entire life because of his trauma history. Well, yeah...isn't that what we're in therapy for?

Also one last positive note for this therapist: She's in the school and right down the hall from Christopher's classroom. So she and the teacher will communicate (hopefully) and that information could be used to better provide the kiddo with the treatment he needs. Before the teacher was not speaking to the therapy team and everyone was operating in a vacuum. Better to have the team approach, me thinks.

So I'm happy and relieved to have new therapy services starting but how do I deal with Christopher's fear of being taken away again in the meantime? I try to be there for him. I hug him and cuddle with him and tell him that I love him. Sometimes it just doesn't seem to be enough for this little guy. Makes me sad.

The IEP Eligibility Meeting Outcome

I am so very lucky because I have a boss who doesn't even bat an eyelash when I tell her I need to take off the afternoon to go to my son's IEP eligibilty meeting. Definitely very, very thankful for that. In that respect I am blessed.

So yes, I had Christopher's Individual Education Plan (IEP) eligibility meeting on Wednesday. I went to the school and met with Christopher's Kindergarten teacher, in addition to the Department head of Special Ed, the school social worker and the school psychologist.

A few thoughts before I get into the nitty gritty details...

In a macro sense, that's a lot of resources that are dedicated to one child. Christoopher has no idea how lucky he is that so much time and attention is being spent upon his every need.

I grew up in a family of eight kids and that has its pros and cons. I always had a ton of siblings to play with and have very fond memories of my childhood. However, I know that stuff affecting my brothers and sister probably got overlooked and it may have been harder for them to navigate the world because they didn't always have a parent advocating for their needs when they might have needed it. I also recognize that it was a different time and that more focus is on kids needs today than ever before. Future generations will really benefit from this level of focus.

Christopher, being my only child, gets WAY more attention than any of my siblings did growing up. And I will fight for what he needs to be successful, end of story. That's because I can. My parents did what they could for our family but I will say some of my siblings fell through the cracks because there were just so many of us and after a while, the parents were just tired.. I may be a working mom but I will always make sure that Christopher gets the best services I can get for him. I love him and he deserves it. I can do that for him.

Anyway, now onto the meeting itself.

As it turns out, although Children's Hospital thought Christopher would qualify for an IEP, in actuality he does not. That is because the medication we got from Children's is working so well for him, that his test scores have gone through the roof. Christopher is actually smart. I mean really, really, really smart. His cognitive skills tested at the 98th or 99th percentile. The tester kept telling me what a joy it was to test Christopher. Because the kiddo is crazy smart. That's definitely a strength he has going for him.

There are lots of reasons he tested so highly. I give myself a pat on the back for giving this little guy the stability and love he needs to feel safe. He's also in a school that is nurturing and supportive, which helps beyond belief.. And I will applaud Boston Children's Hospital, the #2 children's hospital in the country, for providing the medication Christopher needs to be successful in life. Quite frankly I am very lucky to live in such an advanced part of the country.

I wasn't surprised that Christopher would not qualify for an IEP because I see his school work come home in his back pack and it all looks pretty darn good. Plus I hang out with him (obviously) and I get that he's super smart. Honestly some of the math school work surprises me a bit because I thought that this was more 1st and 2nd grade work but in Massachusetts, mastering adding and subtracting is considered Kindergarten-level work. They really want our kids to be able to compete on a global plane and I guess if my kid can keep up, I cannot complain.

I have to say the school has been nothing but amazing in its support. I hear so many scary stories of schools with tight budgets pushing back on parent requests but I honestly have not seen that myself. When we met about the IEP, it came out in the report that Christopher often appears sad or stressed in class. That pissed me off because why did I have to schedule a meeting with all these people to find out that my kiddo is stressed out in school. Do these people know what childhood anxiety can cause in a little kiddo's brain?

Actually the answer was yes. The school psychologist said she would start meeting with Christopher on a weekly basis to ensure that his emotional needs were being met. She told me that she saw Christopher's biggest issues being that he has had so much loss in his life and that's exactly what I see his issues as, as well. She told me that she's been with the Forestdale School for 16 years and that she wasn't going anywhere so she could provide Christopher with the consistency he needs. That made me feel REALLY good. I totally agree with everything she was telling me!

There's still a concern that Christopher could have dyslexia but unfortunately he is too young to be tested for that. Apparently that comes out around 4th grade. Right now the teachers and evaluators recognize that Christopher has behavioral issues but according to his test scores, those issues are not impeding his ability to learn. His report card is solidly "Progressing" and right now he is considered "low risk". I shared my concern that Christopher could fall through the cracks and everyone in the room said that this would not happen. There is a "data room" at the school where they keep all the testing information on each kiddo in Forestdale School. If there is an issue, the data room will catch it. Are our kids being over-tested??? Well that's a conversation for another blog. All I know is, my kiddo who's been through all sorts of crap in his little life, has high expectations expected him but that the school system will provide me with the resources to ensure hat he meets those expectations.

Let's face it. My kid goes to a school that has some pretty mediocre MCAS scores. Based on what we've seen so far, he is clearly crazy smart. If the school provides him with the best resources, Christopher will respond with the phenomenal scores that the school needs. They know this. I know this. And I will use this knowledge to my benefit, trust me.